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Preliminary Night

Never once had I expected the ghosts of my past to leave me alone but the nights have been rather silent as I lay quietly in bed. Modeled by the rigid chills and bone-like solidity, I’ve continued through the night, actually afraid of the silence. Compiled by chirping crickets, swaying wind and movement of my shifting body, the night was never quiet. I tried so hard to keep things intact but the falling pieces continued to peel away; an almost barren feeling that brushed away security and brought on the anxiety.

I waited for the sun to rise so I could allow it to outshine the ghouls that had my anxiety attached like a price tag. The heat was coming on, causing me to drip beads along my forehead and stain the back of my t-shirt. Fatigue covered me like a blanket, thick and heavy, enough to make me fall if I attempted to walk; but no matter how hard I tried to slip away into a slumber that helped me escape reality, the silence kept me awake. I hugged my knees in tightly, curling my toes and shivering even with the rising heat.

Inhale. Exhale. The blankets were at my feet now, falling off the edge as I curled up in the center of the mattress. You know they have that bird-side view, looking down on the person in the bed? Yeah, I felt like I was in a movie (except for once, it isn’t so badly scripted with cheesy nostalgic music). I was lost in my own bed, no sense of direction for even the shortest second. The sun had taken hours to set; it’s taking centuries for it to rise and for some odd reason, I felt … uncertain. I’m not scared as much anymore but the frightening thought it enough to put me back into a paranoid state.

Inhale. Exhale. These heavy breaths are making me tired and maybe I can finally rest. I felt so alone on this night, where the full moon shone and could easily replace the sun. I sat up and began hyperventilating; the anxiety had built up in maximum on the gauge. I ran my hand through the strands of my hair, scrunching my fingers and clawing at my scalp. Skin cells stuck beneath my nails as my breathing shortened and quickened. I pulled my hands down over my face and covered my eyes.

As my breathing continued, the hot breaths became encircled against my skin and made me sweat even more; lacking oxygen and encompassed with CO2, I spread my fingers and let cool O2 rush against my cheeks. An exasperated sigh exited my between my lips as my chest slowly lowered. The solicitude was finally settling and at last, I could lie right back down on the rigidness of my spine against the spring mattress that I’ve had for over a year now.

It’s becoming old but if it keeps me leveled off the floor and supports my weight, I don’t think I’ll be abandoning it anytime soon. I had no idea what to do from here and all I heard was the intonation of the pulsating clock on the opposite wall of where I lay.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, and over it repeated; when I listened carefully it pulsated slowly but when I got lost in another train of thought, it quickens and makes my minutes go by quicker. Sometimes it would even bang loudly to get my attention, causing my eyes to dart at the clock to see that the sun was still nowhere near to rising. I tried to rid myself of hopes because that’s what the night likes to feed off of. The positive energy that I carry throughout the day gets drained and engulfed by the night.

Tonight, the sky wasn’t the raven-sable obsidian color that most described it. No, it was much more rather a deep royal-azure color that had an alluring cast that hooked my eyes and kept them wide opened. The crescent moon was illuminating the outlines and stencils of the cotton-like clouds up above in a low, yet densely bright glow that bounced off my window. Something was keeping me up tonight and I don’t know what it is or even who it might be but I’m in an upside-down jumble of a mess.

I switched to the opposite end of the bed in hopes that I could possibly pass into a somnolence of dreams and fanciful chimeras that tighten its holds on my lungs while I’m in a trace-like sleep but efforts were futile. I rested my puffed cheeks upon my right palm and relaxed my neck. I rolled onto my back shut my eyes and let the clock take over tonight, that’s all I had remaining.





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