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What Not To Do with Your Friends
You will have endless laughter in your life. But there are some things you just cannot do. I would like to thank all my wonderful friends who helped me with this piece. No one was killed in the making of this memoir; hurt but not necessarily killed. (And for future reference I did not want to put friend #1, friend #2, etc. So I just decided to give them names. Friend #1 is Alice, friend #2 is Willow, and friend #3 is Maci.) Do not do this at home, you will get in trouble and/or sticky.
Do not light anyone’s hair on fire with a birthday cake:
Say your best friend’s mom spontaneously calls you up and asks you, Maci, and Alice to a surprise birthday sleepover for her daughter. Naturally, you say yes. And of course, when you get to said best friend’s house, the mom makes you and your two other friends squeeze into a small hallway. She hands you a birthday cake, lights the sparking trick candles, and tells you and your friends to yell “surprise” when said best friend opens the door. Everything is going well until your friend absent mindedly holds the birthday cake, with the candles lit, up to your face and almost lights your hair on fire.
Lesson here: Handle all birthday cakes with care.
Do not leave your friends alone in a basement:
You were telling scary stories, in the car while you were driving around in your small town. When you get home, your two best friends are scared to death. You take them downstairs to your bedroom, which is in the basement. And basements are naturally scary, so they are now extra freaked out. If you decide to scare them more by turning off the lights, running upstairs, and locking the door that leads to the basement, I suggest you make sure no one calls the cops. (Luckily no one called the cops when I did it.) And when you decide to head downstairs again, bring a spray bottle with water in it just in case Willow has tackled Alice and refuses to let go of her. If and when this does happen, spray her with water until she is damp, or she lets go. But I warn you, she may come after you.
Lesson here: Be careful when entering a basement. And arm yourself with a spray bottle.
Do not call your friend’s cell phone when you and other friends are watching Ringu:
So the movie called Ringu, is on DVD and you impulsively decide to watch it with Alice and Willow. (Just as a side note, the movie is about a video that will kill you in seven days after you watch it. You will get a phone call after the movie, with a creepy voice telling you that you will die in seven days. This movie is the Japanese version of the Ring.) So while they are watching the scene where they show you the killing video, you discreetly grab your phone, dial Willow’s phone number, and a couple seconds after the video ends. Both Alice and Willow scream, jump up, and throw the phone onto the floor. All the while, you are just laughing your butt off. And you know they’ll figure out it was you. So I suggest you run away, fast.
Lesson here: All cell phones must be off when watching scary movies.
Do not have a strawberry jam and water war in your room:
When you are dared to let your friend give you a facial with jelly, do not say yes. Do not go let them get the jelly and water (to clean your face off) and bring it to your bedroom. And if you do make the mistake of doing all that, do not back out. It will start a war. So say Maci dares you to do the facial, and you accept, and Willow volunteers to give you the facial. So things went on as it did, and when you all are ready, you backed out. So for some dumb reason, Willow decides to throw the jelly at you. And you get mad and throw water at her. Then this huge “friendly” fight breaks out between you and Willow, and jelly and water. Then you start punching each other (in a more or less friendly way). And in the end your room is destroyed.
Lesson here: Keep the jelly in the fridge, or else things will get sticky.
Do not turn the webcam on someone who is changing:
Once upon a time, there were five friends at a birthday sleepover. The birthday girl decides to webcam with a friend from Asia. So they were all singing on karaoke and chatting it up online and texting and eating cake and junk food. Then one person suddenly all realize its late, so one friend decides to change into her pjs and makes us all not look. The birthday girl, as a prank, decides to turn the webcam onto the friend who was changing. The friend who is changing glances at us, wondering why they are laughing and sees that the webcam was faced towards her and the Asian was smiling. She screams. They laugh.
Lesson here: Pick a good time to change, especially when with friends.
Do not forget to tape all your singing birthday cards shut when watching movies:
So let’s say you like to keep all your birthday cards. Especially the singing cards. So to decorate your wall you put them up on wall. One day you and your friends are watching a scary movie, and suddenly you hear this loud, annoying, off-tune singing “Its friendship, friendship, just a birthday bland ship…” You all scream. Then you look over, figure out it’s one of the birthday cards on your wall singing, and you start to laugh. You laugh because you and your friends screamed, you laugh because you amazingly indirectly scared you friends, and you laugh because it was just funny. So then you grab some tape and tape the card shut. But then seconds later another one opens. So your friends just tell you to tape them all shut. And all is calm again. Until suddenly all of them open even though you taped them shut. Dun, dun, dun..!
Lesson here: Be careful of ghosts who like to open birthday cards.
Do not let your momma scream in the car when you are picking up friends:
So you were just at volleyball game, your momma is running late and its getting dark. When she finally picks you up (an hour late), she spontaneously suggests we go look at sites for a small drive in movie. She drives all around the island, but then suddenly realizes its midnight. Of course, she parks at an old abandoned World War Two underground hospital. She turns off the car; you, Alice, and Willow are sitting silently there. Suddenly she screams, a bloodcurdling screams. You start laughing until Willow grabs you because she is scared. She hugs you soo tight you can’t breathe. All the while, your mom and your other friend are just laughing their butts off.
Lesson Here: Find a reliable driver
Do not bring jellybeans to a party:
Flashback, April 21st 2009. There were a blue bag of jellybeans, soda, and four friends. You and your three friends are celebrating your thirteenth birthday. Everyone is just sitting there having fun, playing truth or dare, watching T.V., chatting, etc. When one friend decides to eat half the bag of jelly beans. At one a.m. the sugar starts to kick in, and she goes crazy. She’s laughing, giggling, and sticking jellybeans up her nose. The rest of your friend falls asleep and she just decides to read your diary. The next day she teases you about all the things you said in your diary. Don’t worry she doesn’t tell.
Lesson here: Keep one eye open when you fall asleep if you have brought jellybeans to a sleepover
Do not play a sad song when a friend is crying:
One of the most stupid things in the world you could ever do is to play a sad song when a friend is crying. Especially when said friend is crying about another one of your friends. But you just can’t help it, can you? Well you’re going to have to do some damage control. First thing is to get her tissues. Second hug her really tight. Third grab chocolate or a smoothie, depending on the friend. And fourth, call the friend she is crying about. And depending on the situation, either tell them to flip off or hand the sad friend the phone and make them catch up on each other’s lives.
Lesson here: Try to stop giving in to temptation
Do not leave your closet open when you are about to fall asleep:
You, Willow, and Alice are all watching The Grudge in your dark basement bedroom. And just to add on to the creepiness of the whole atmosphere. Your closet looks exactly like the one where the first person is killed in. (Did I mention it was a scary movie) So now every time Willow and Alice sleepover, they freak out about your closet being open. And every time you are the only brave one that closes it. So say its two a.m. your sound asleep, and suddenly you hear someone calling your name. Then they shake you awake. You jump up, flip out, and ask your friends what’s wrong. They tell you that the closet door is open an inch, and asks you to close it. Do you see a problem with that?
Lesson here: Stop being brave
Always warn your friend when there is a flood:
So when you live in a very old house, and your room is in the basement, there will be floods. Especially when it is raining. So darling, do not forget to warn your friends when there is a flood. My room is elevated so that none of my things get flooded; the water just passes under the floor boards. But there is a spot at the base of the stairs where it is not elevated, so that’s where most of the water goes. My friend is a smart girl, but sometimes she just doesn’t pay attention. So she’s walking down the stairs, turned around so she can look up and talk to me. When she reaches the bottom she doesn’t notice that there is water. So she just steps right in the muddy puddle. Lovely isn’t it? And apparently I am the cause of the whole thing not the water. Go figure.
Lesson here: Focus when you are walking down the stairs.
There are many lessons to be learned in life, this may be just some of many. Just remember to have fun, live life, and don’t do any of these.