My Worst Nightmare

December 7, 2010
By , vancouver, WA
What I feared most is happening. My nightmares are coming alive. They eat away at reality, and leave me with the pain. I’ve been in pain for my whole life, but up to this point I could deal with it and keep it inside or even if I got too mad I could hurt myself rather than others or so I thought. Ive become my worst nightmare, ive become well…me.

The pain that ive kept was always inside of me never away from me. maybe my journal suffered some pain also but it was still in me not a person. The person I used to be way long ago isn’t a person I am happy to recognize but I hide in terror from it. And I hide the past from my friends, from the world, from the outside. At the time I was happy to be called this bad a** girl but now I live with the pain it caused me and I have to live with my mistakes. Maybe, not for long.

This is the person I used to be, every day I would go outside and light one up. No guilt, no shame. I was actually proud of myself for being a rebel. For being a smoker, a drinker, a sniffer, a bad girl. What I didn’t understand was that the person I hurt most was myself. The cutting was a big part of my life and the eraser burns that magically appeared on my wrists was a way I escaped this hell. I smoked to show people that I’m not some little girl but that I had a life and that I was proud of it. I drank to hide all my feelings in some little cup of vodka, wine, or beer. I thought that everyone was against me when they were trying to help me, I ruined the relationships of me and a lot of people that I can’t earn back. The trust is gone, the good grace disappeared. the demon inside of me was happy. I was happy that I hurt others, I didn’t care. I had a personality of a demon, I was a demon if I had a knife I would kill others without caring. I had a soulless body and a cold and heartless empty shell full of pain and anger. The person I was when I was younger encouraged me to hurt others and hurt them bad not some little cut or bruise but a broken nose or even a black eye. I used to fight all the time, outside of school with anyone. I thought I was so tough, when in reality I was breaking down. I built a barrier around myself not to get hurt again. I truly believed that love, kindness or anything nice never existed. I turned away from all the help; I ruined my life, myself. And the whole time this happened I was happy that I finally could take the pain and stop being some lonely loser.

I used to be MEAN and not just some little worthless wannabe mean girl either but the if-you-look-at-me-wrong-I’ll-kill-you mean. I put the demon at rest for a while and I tried to start my life over. I succeeded at first but now I’m losing the fight. And the demon inside of me is coming out.

It all started out when my friend got me pissed at church and I lashed out at her like I used to, I began to change the way I talk and not care anymore. I was mean to her and when I let the demon slip out I can’t get it back in. if I change back into myself, I don’t know how long I will last. The drugs I used to take, well how much, is gonna increase and be twice as needy. The cutting wont cease it’s gonna make me cut deeper and longer until my wrists will turn dark blue. I will kill, this time I won’t be able to hold it in. if I change I’ll change for good, there will not be a going back. There won’t be anything to go back to. I’ll make everybody give up on me, I’ll kill again and again and I won’t get caught. I’ll sell drugs, I’ll live by them. The drugs will be my heaven, the alcohol will be my life and the cutting will be my drug. The fight would finally cease and my hell will come true. I will cause hell on earth and everyone will fear me. I will be unstoppable I will be a vicious killer. And I won’t be able to do anything about it because the demon within me is stronger than who I am. The power it posses has been building since I was a little girl, and now I’m ready to let it all go. I’m tired of getting hurt all the time, I’m tired of second guessing myself. And having to fight for what’s wrong and what’s right. I’m tired of you telling me what to do. I’m tired of all the shit in the world. I want to be me; I don’t want to hide anymore.

This I fear is yet to come. And with every breath I take it gets closer and closer to its escape escaping and controlling me. The drugs will be my guiding light, and you will be my prey I pounce upon. This is not a pretty sight and I need help to maintain it. The need for drugs is harder and more intense than ever but the drugs will loosen me down and let my demon escape and put me at rest. This may be a little glimpse of what’s going on, but you will never truly know the whole truth. You may know some but not all. If this demon does get out, just beware. I warned you once. If you read the poems I write, you’ll see my struggles and my pain. But this is the closest that I’ve ever gotten to actually getting help, cuz guess what, I don’t need it I don’t need you. I know you don’t want to suffer but I will make you suffer. And I will enjoy it and laugh at your pain. I’m sorry, I guess it finally came out …

A little while ago I had a “dream” I was starring out the window when a picture came into my head of a demon and an angel fighting. Then as I was looking through old pictures I drew I found a picture of an angel and a demon in the pile which looked exactly like the ones I saw fighting. The angel fell down as a knife was stabbed through her chest and as her blood trickled to the floor the demon looked at me and smiled, I swore that I was looking in a mirror because the demon smiling back at me, it was me.

This is me the monster within has finally come loose it reminds me of a song called monster by skillet or even hero. I need a hero, I need a person who will look past all my scars and listen to my heart’s plea for help. I need help but yet I don’t. I scream for you to get away while I ruin my life yet you come back again and again getting hurt every time like a knife piercing your heart.

Now I sit here depressed, not knowing what to do. I’m hated by many, and the nemesis of others. I can’t do anything without hurting another person. Am I really a monster? Yes, yes I am.

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