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The Battle Within
“It’s all your fault,” again my father repeated this to me angrily through the phone. “If you would have kept the promise you made to me last year, I wouldn’t be missing you and your sister so terribly.”
The guilt set in and I felt terrible. I began to whimper and sob quietly praying that he couldn’t hear me but I know he could. Suddenly the conversation changed on whim, “You know how much I love you, Sweetie, I just miss you guys so much, I can’t stand it.”
I broke down. I couldn’t take it any more. I hung up the phone and threw it at the nearest wall hoping it would taken the pain with it. I took a deep breath to try to calm myself but all I could smell was leftovers from the night before. As much as I didn’t want to let this affect me I couldn’t help it. His words pierced me and made me feel so terrible about myself that all I wanted to do was crawl under a rock and hope everyone forgot about me. “It shouldn’t be too hard,” I though to myself, “I’m not important in this world anyways. All I cause is pain in others lives.”
I knew that I shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts but some things I can’t help. In my mind everything had to be thought through from start to finish. Depression and anxiety ran in the family and with everything happening lately I seemed to get it more and more. My coping skills varied with different situations, but lately my only thought has been to escape the world.
I knew death wasn’t an option, so sleep was the next best thing. However, this wasn’t a normal sleep. This sleep was as heavy as a thick blanket. I always wake up hours later and I haven’t moved and there are were no dreams. For some reason no matter how long I sleep, I always wake up tired. After this anxiety hits almost instantly. This can consist of anger, or tears, or panic, or all of the above. Calming me down can be near impossible, and yet some people can stop the panic. I only need to hear their voice and I feel like I can breath again. It is a weird feeling to go from hyperventilating to completely calm in a matter of seconds but somehow my body manages to do it.
“Beep... Beep... Beep...” The sudden dial tone of the phone snapped me back into reality. I looked over to see that it was mangled in the corner of the room. There was a slight taste of blood in my mouth because i had been chewing on my lip in frustration. I felt a little more calm and the shaking had subsided enough that I could walk again. Standing up from the firm couch I tested my balance and picked up the beeping phone and assembled it again. I felt weak after what seemed to be a battle within myself. It turns out that fighting over your emotions can be more strenuous then thought.
Just as I was about to turn up the stairs to head for my escape of sleep, the phone rang. I stopped in my tracks, my brain began to process like a computer. “Could my father be calling back again ?”, I thought to myself. Because my mom wasn’t home, I knew I was supposed to answer it. Timidly I picked up the phone and let it ring once more in my hand before I picked it up.
“Hello?”, I question.
“I’m sorry Hun. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s all my fault ”, my father instantly said on the other line forgetting about the “hello”.
“Okay...”, was all I could mutter out.
“I can’t stand being away from you guys any more, I will be back there soon.” Suddenly there was a click on the other end indicating that the call was done.
“Hello?”, I questioned just in case I heard wrong. Sure enough there was no response.
Instantly I knew my life was going to change. My father was going to be coming back to be with me and my sister and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. All I could do now is sit and wait.