Depression: My Personal Battle

By , Honolulu, HI
Ring! Ring! It’s 6:30 AM and time to wake up for school. As I get to school, stress kicks in as well as my worst enemy. Depression is a battle I have been facing for four years; it’s a feeling and a voice that sweeps over me daily, destroying relationships and school grades. A sensation that fights against me, creating a world that is out to get me. I walk to my locker, and as people say hi to me, I just give a quiet “hey”. Some people may think I’m shy or tired. Shy? How can that be? I am just the opposite of shy; at least when I am not preoccupied with this despair. Tired? How can that be when I went to bed at 9:30 last night? Oh, that’s right… insomnia. Almost every night I wake up not being able to breathe, drowning in my own tears. When I don’t, I wake up from terrible nightmares of people I love dying and it is all due to me. Guilt is a common feeling associated with my depression; everything that goes wrong must be due to me. No matter how hard I try to succeed, it backfires at me, and there is no one to blame but myself.

After homework that night, I go to my room and lay in bed thinking. As my eyes become red with tears and my cheeks become flushed a voice in my head cries, you are worthless. Nobody cares. You are a burden to this earth; just disappear already so the world can become a good place. You are causing nothing but trouble. Well, no one does take the effort to comfort me when I break down, that is except one of my teachers. People are always putting me down anyway…maybe I do deserve to die. While my subconscious mind is a war zone between depression and faith, my heart is pure. My mind tells me I want to die and escape this mess, while my heart tells me I want to be saved. I want to rid myself of this painful battle, but I need help.

I realize I need help. After four years of fighting, I’m getting weaker and the depression is getting stronger and stronger. I go to a teacher I trust and tell her about everything. Getting it all off of my chest is a huge relief and I finally feel loved. After that one time sitting down with her, I recognize that I am loved and I can overcome this sadness. Death would only be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. From then on, everything has seemed so simple. I started telling more and more friends. I started running and riding more and more often to rid myself of these feelings of worthlessness and hatred towards myself. However, that was not enough. As I talk more with my teacher, I realize that I need more than just confrontation of this battle; I may need professional help. With the help of my teacher, I worked up to courage to confront my mom who is a psychologist. When I first tell her, she thought nothing of it and I continued to face this terrible feeling. After a couple weeks, my mom finally recognized that I might need therapy and medication. I am still waiting for the test results, but I am confident that I will receive the help that I need. If it is not from my mother, I will always have that teacher to confide in. I am so grateful for the wonderful teacher that has helped me through this. This experience through depression has made me stronger, although I have been unknowingly on the verge of death for four years. I am still not even close to being back to normal, and I don’t know if I will ever return to the happy athlete, student, and whole person I was. However, I do know that I am making strong progress and I do know that I am loved. That is why I believe that I am winning this battle.





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This article has 3 comments. Post your own now!

AshleySteve said...
Dec. 3, 2010 at 3:33 am

This is really well written...

Trust me... Even I felt the same when I entered a new school.......!!!!!!!

 
xXnew_revolutionXx said...
Nov. 25, 2010 at 8:12 pm
beautiful... simply beautiful :)
 
yourawesomepossum;) said...
Nov. 21, 2010 at 11:41 pm
this is a great article!. I have felt the same exact way since entering middle school. Just know that your never alone and there will always be people who care about you and would do anything for you!
 
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