Entry 10-15-10 - I just want a friend, or at least things to go my way

October 21, 2010
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This journal is so that I can express and write my thoughts right? So that’s what I’m going to do, express myself that is. Note: Tears are blinding my vision as I write this. Back to topic. Do I feel A. Sad, B. Lonely, C. Angry, or D. All of the above? Right now D. All of the above. I’ll tell you why I feel each way. For A. Sad, because my little sister and I auditioned for a play and we both didn’t get a part. This is the third or fourth time out of three or four times I’ve auditioned for a play and didn’t get a part. It’s not just the play. It seems like when I want to do something, or try to do it, I can’t, or some invisible giant stands in my way blocking me. First choir, then this. What’s next? A Tale of Two cities? The I.R.T. contest?

For B. Lonely, because I feel like (for the most part) I don’t have good friends. Ones who will listen and not talk. Be there for me. Not try to correct my every mistake. Things like that. I also miss Oklahoma! Even thought it was four years ago that we moved, I made friends there that I want to keep, yet we seem to be drifting apart. I feel like a poem I read the other day titled “All I Need is a Friend”. I want a true friend. One with whom you can laugh, cry, hug, talk to, help, or just be there for each other. I just want a true friend. Is it so much to ask? The only true friends I really have are my family. I’m tired of waiting! But, I know that the true friends are the ones that are hard to find. I also know that God has in mind my best interest. So, it’s not so much (at all) what I want, but what He wants.

After that little saga about B., I’ll move one to C. Angry. I am feeling C. Angry because things aren’t working out the way I want them to. I know that sounds selfish. Mom told me how Abraham Lincoln had lots of failures before he became President. I don’t want to be President, but I just want to stop having these failures. God has said “no” to different things, and I’m getting tired of waiting for the “yes”. But I know that the reason He has said “no” is because He has a better plan ahead. I know that He can sustain me while I wait for the “yes” As is should always be, to Him who saves and sustains us, let Him receive the glory.

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