I hate you. I have let you destroy my mind, and almost my life. But i love you, and i will never be the same. It was love at first sight. I loved the way my blood looked when i pulled back on the needle and it rushed so fast, so beautifully into the barrel of the syringe. The two colors mixing, fading together, the way watching it made my heart race. I am sober now, and tears are coming to my eyes at just the thought of you. The thought of pushing the needle, feeling the warmth of you flowing through my veins. Cold chills race down my spine at this very moment. what is life without you? An unbearable, monotonous existence. its been about three weeks since our last kiss, the last time i was in your arms, soaking in the euphoria of your embrace. I am nineteen years old, a young woman with so much capability, and i am utterly and incontrollably in love with you. The depths of my feelings for you are indescribable. You are a death-sentence, the sweetest one i have ever known. Your effects are so incredibly enrapturing, oh the lengths i have gone to, just to be with you, to feel sane again. My mind, sober, is left in vague fragments of a life that once was, once pulsed with exuberance, PROMISE. Without you, my love, i am broken, my thoughts written off, disposed of. The razorblades that oh so often run across my wrists, the blood that drips, almost as if in a race for temporary sanity, relief, only help for a brief time. I will never be the same. My mind is black, so very dark, its a lonely desolate place where my thoughts are are constantly roaming to the worst possible lengths. Lengths that allow me to think that life without your love is useless, not to be thought of, spoke of, believed in. Lengths that make me want to die. you've robbed me of so much of my innocence, and yet i am blind to the fact. I am as intelligent as these words being written, yet so very blind. I am shattered, broken, and i choose to drag the shards of glass across my body, to feel something, ANYTHING. I am dead inside, and i feel as if my heart and soul are far beyond the point of rescusitation. What have you done to me, love? Its not supposed to be like this, you have been disloyal to me, obliterated me. The more i try to pick up the pieces of my life and mend them back together, the more things fall apart, the more my soul shatter. I snorted you at first, still too innocent to mainline. I can still taste you in the back of my throat. dripping, draining into my core, corroding and mutilating my insides. NOT ANYMORE. I will pick these shards of glass out of the various places inside my body, and i will build something new, something worth living for.
October 3, 2010