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Letter To Shauna

There are times where I can listen to Stay by Sugarland, think of you and Im ok. But then there are times like right now at 1:37am(yes I wrote the time) where I'll listen to it and ball my eyes out. Its not just with that song either. Theres I'll Be Missing You by P. Diddy, Faith Hill, 112 and others, Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne, Song For Mama by Boys 2 Men, God Send Me An Angel by Amanda Perez, Why by Rascal Flatts and Sober by P!nk. I think thats all of them(haha). I ask myself 'why' everyday but I never get an answer. Maybe I never will or maybe I'll get an answer when I see you again. Oh by the way I just thought of two more songs while going through my Ipod: Hold On by Good Charlotte and When Can I See You Again by Babyface. So Im sitting here listening to these songs thinking of you while looking at the picture I have printed out of us from May 4th of last year. The last picture I ever took with you. At the time I didnt know that that would be the last one. Its been a year and some months(Im too tired to think) without you and it seems like just yesterday I had to say goodbye. I remember when Candi came pounding on our door to tell us what happened. I remember feeling like time had stopped and I couldnt move. It only got worse once grandpa and I got to the hospital. I wasnt really listening to what the doctor was saying because I was in shock, but when he(I think it was a he) said there was a slight chance you'd make it, I lost it. I broke down, fell to the floor and cried. I couldnt understand it, one minute Im in the car with you and Randi, joking about your road rage and the next Im sitting in the hospital waiting room telling myself that your going to be okay. Of course I was lying to myself, but I couldnt give up hope just yet. So for two days I sat in that hospital with Amber and everyone(mainly Amber) praying that you'd pull through. Of course God seemed to have ignored our prayers and pleas because on Sunday May 31st 2009 at 8-something PM they decided to pull the plug and God took you away. When the doctor came in and told all of us that you were gone I felt like my world had ended. I felt like a part of me died with you and honestly it did. You werent just my aunt, you were my sister and you always will be. Found another song on my Ipod: I Miss You by Aaliyah. Maybe if I paid closer attention I couldve noticed that something was bothering you. But then again knowing you if you didnt want anyone to know you'd hide it. Well you hid it very well. Theres so many things I want to ask you, mainly things that come up in conversation and I think 'Oh Shauna would know that' or something like that. You know you still owe me for my 18th birthday. Remember? You said you'd take me out but never got around to it. That's okay though when I turn 21 I'll go out just for you. I dont think I'll ever understand why you did what you did and I dont like that. I know you mustve had your reasons. I just wish that I could talk to you one last time; hear your voice once again. I wish I could see you one last time just to hug you. You know that tape grandma made you before she passed? Well I listened to it a few months ago at one in the morning because I couldnt sleep and it was weird. It was weird hearing her voice and hearing her talk to you. I cried till I eventually fell asleep. You know what really sucks when Im laying here at night and cant sleep, I think of you. I always think of you, but I do it a lot at night when Im laying here alone. I often hope that you'd walk into the house drunk as hell or loud as hell and wake me up. It still hasnt hit me that your really gone and your not coming back. Maybe because I dont want to believe it. I cant. Ya know something before I started writing this I was balling my eyes out but since I started I have yet to cry. And Im listening to all the songs I mentioned before while writing. Its almost 3am and Im stil awake(you know thats late for me aha). But I dont know if I can sleep. Maybe after Im done writing I can but not right now. I know you wouldve been proud of me this past June: I graduated! I wish you couldve been there in person to see me, but I know you were there in spirit, just like grandma and granny! I want to say I hate you for leaving, but the truth is I could never hate you. I love you and always will. Whenever I have a daughter(in the far future) I want to name her after you. She'll know what an amazing, crazy person you were. If I have a son so will he. You were the strongest person I knew. I looked up to you. You never took crap from anyone and you werent afraid to speak your mind. I miss you like crazy and wish you were still here. Oh another song: How Do You Get That Lonely by Blaine Larson. Yeah a lot of songs I know. Well I think Im gunna go to bed now Shauna, my hand hurts and I think I feel a headache coming. I love you so much. Miss you forever <3




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Bethani said...
Oct. 7, 2010 at 8:54 pm:
I'm sorry for your loss. :(
 
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