It Could Be Like Coming Home

August 2, 2010
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I was sitting at the computer today doing schoolwork when my niece walked up to me, and as common for a three year old, began asking me every question imaginable. I explained to her that my school work wasn’t fun like hers and she replied with “I’m sorry JJ, but my school is SUPER FUN!” and proceeded to jump up and down. I asked her why she thought it was so fun and she said “Because all of my friends are there… like Gavin and Bonnie Sue”. I wondered why she had said Gavin’s name first, because no matter how old, a girl is a girl is a girl is a girl. She began to walk back into the living room but turned abruptly around with a huge smile on her face when I asked her if Gavin was nice. She took that opportunity to tell me all about him while hardly being able to make out a full sentence because she was smiling so hard.

How nice it would be to travel back to that mindset, right? Where you went to school so that maybe you could play blocks with the boy in your class that you “loved” :) Ah, those were the days.

As you grow up, I don’t think it changes much, except for you understand how much that lovely person can hurt you. You understand your ability to feel pain. For a while I thought that entire feeling became obsolete. The one where you hear their name and life stops for a split second. But then, it happens. It happens and you believe. You no longer think that the world spins and spins and spins and never stops, because you’ve seen it as still as a photograph.

It really is insane how much I can write on one moment, but once you experience it for yourself you won’t be able to blame me. I don’t think it ever happens when you expect it to, because that would just be too easy. You’re just strolling through life, maybe in a place you would never think you’d find anyone to love, and then it just knocks the breath right out of you.

Once in the second grade I saw a girl fall from the monkey bars flat on her back. I figure this is similar.

It’s so hard for me to even explain, because I think maybe you just have to experience it. I hope that you do. I sincerely hope you do. Because after you do, it’s hard to think about anything else. Music sounds different, life looks different, you just feel somewhat different. Everything is somehow more beautiful. How can an ocean look anymore beautiful than it already is? Only by knowing that somewhere across that vast ocean is your counterpart. There’s no more wondering about it. They’re actually out there. The music seems more intensified and brilliant. Life just seems more epic than usual, because now you’ve got a tangible reason for all that you do. Love is the ultimate motivation.

Before this day, no one’s gaze pierced through you to your very core. Before this day, no one’s smile was brighter than the sun. Before this day, your life was normal.

Maybe your soulmate isn’t the person you end up with. Maybe it’s just the person you would end up with if life went exactly the way that you wanted it to…. and you’d be a billionaire, you see? Maybe I won’t end up with my soulmate and maybe you won’t either. But maybe it’s for the best. Maybe that much power in one place is lethal. I suppose it’s not something to fret about… because they’re out there, no matter how far away. And I believe that knowledge contains enough beauty to put the color into your world.

“I just really believe in love, and no matter how fleeting or tragic I just really, really believe in it. I’m 18 years old and I just want to surrender.” -Dreamland





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