You Don't Realize...

By , Phoenixville, PA
Former people genuinely think it’s a harmless word, right? It sometimes can be if you say “The former owner….”, but if you use it like this “My former best friend…” it can be awful, heartbreaking even.
A couple of months ago I found the word ‘Former’ to be one of the most awful words. A couple weeks before that the word would never come to mind. But once someone goes from being your “best friend” to your “former best friend” that word will hurt, bad… at first.
After a couple weeks it died down, didn’t hurt as much. And after a couple months I don’t really feel anything when someone says the word “former”. I think of what it can mean and how they’re using it, but I don’t hurt. And that’s how I know I’m okay without you as my “best friend”.
But if I was your “best friend” than why’d you call me a terrible one. If our friendship meant a lot to you, why’d you treat me like that? I cried and cried and now I look back and see how stupid I was for crying… I hadn’t done anything. So what was a crying about? I hadn’t started this; I didn’t cause this fight to brew. You did. So why was I crying? I know the answer to that. Our friendship was dying. That’s why I cried. I knew we would have grown apart next year, entering high school. But that’s just it. We would have grown apart, not fight to death of a friendship.
I’m not sorry for ignoring you. I’m not sorry for yelling at you. I’m not sorry for any of it. You wanna know why? Because I’m a fighter, and I wasn’t going to stand by and watch as you treated me like that. I wasn’t going to “take it like a man” and just sit there taking what you throw at me. I’m going to do something about it. And I thought you were smart enough to know that about me. If you set me off, there’s no going back what-so-ever.
I think the worst thing about the whole thing was that when I asked you why you flipped on me you had no clue. You blamed it on fighting with parents and stuff at home. But maybe she doesn’t realize why if you start a fight with me I go off. I live with 5 other siblings 2 parents, I was one of eight children but two have died. My oldest sister suffers from depression, and it’s bad. And my dad suffers from anger and depression, it’s even worse.
Maybe, you don’t understand that I have to stick up for myself because sometimes my family isn’t strong enough to stick up for me. Maybe you don’t realize I’m made fun of by 4 of those 5 living siblings every single day. Maybe you don’t realize how much I cry because of all the shit that happens at home. You don’t realize how much of a toll death takes on people. You don’t know anything I go through.
My only living brother completely hates one of my sisters. The other month my oldest sister tried to kill herself, I was at a sleepover I had no idea what had happened until I got home. You don’t realize how upsetting my life can be.
You have one brother and two parents I don’t want to sound self-centered or selfish but if anyone should be freaking out at people, shouldn’t it be me?





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Healing_Angel This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 10, 2010 at 3:53 am
Powerful. I know what it's like for your friends to be there for you one day, then decide they don't want to know you anymore and completly ignore you. It really hurts and just like you've experienced, they don't care about the problems anyone else faces. It's tough, but if you are lucky, you find other people who accept you for who you are, but until then, it can be really tough and lonely.
 
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