No More Than No One

July 20, 2010
By Anonymous

Words of disgrace flow from my mouth towards him, each word wounding him just as he had wounded me. My eyes felt cold and tears threatened to flow over as they scrutinized him because of his betrayal. Leaving me for 3 long weeks without enlightening me upon the subject. He had left me, I was sick as a dog. I went to see Zachary that same day and I was told James had left hours before. Zack’s friend Austin commented how cruel and sick it was of him to leave without telling me. I restricted the tears from my eyes; I was more upset than sad. I had felt betrayed, and the hole in the middle of my chest had been torn open to the extent that it was unbearable. I thanked them both for informing me and went on with the rest of my day as planned. Their company numbed the feeling of being forgotten and alone. But I became too depressed to go and see them. I wanted to but by the time I had gotten up I felt too depressed to see them. I often talked on the phone with another friend whose name was Cody. He also had said it was sick of him to have left me like that, Cody and James weren’t at all fond of each other but to my surprise that was all the wringing he gave James. He did say it was stupid of him though, when he knew how sudden my writhing depression spells triggered. I barely had energy to do the normal patterns of my life, such as chores and responsibilities that were mandatory. My parents never notice these episodes, but that’s because I can conceal them so well. A talent maybe even a gift my friends would say, but the sadness hidden behind the happiness is a clear pronounced outline. Then there are things that I never forgive like when my best friend Cody had went back to his ex-girlfriend, Vanessa, twice when he was seeing me. That was when the episodes began but it wasn’t entirely his fault, the hardships my family faces everyday has also taken quite a toll on my mental well-being. Not much changed except for the spells of depression I face and how my writing has changed so drastically. Now strong and powerful but shadowed by the passionate emotions of my life that I’ve come to known better. Trepidation, abandonment, anxiety, misery, desire, and dejection taking hold of me and tearing me into the smallest pieces of who I once was.
James left to Illinois for 3 weeks without telling me, crushing my heart and spirit. I was no more than no one to him, no matter how much he challenges that fact. I say fact because I know that’s how he looks at me, everyone else agrees with what I think. No matter how many times he hugs me and says he loves me, every bit of it is a lie. No matter how happy I can seem at times it’s always a lie. With the possibility my whole life can be taken away from me in one wisp, there’s never time for joy. When there’s a possibility that my dearest friend can take his own life away at any given time, or be sent to prison if caught doing cocaine. Anytime the beloved faces of my friends could turn into dust in the wind, weather they commit suicide, move, or runaway. So I set my head gently against my pillow at night hoping my life stays intact, with the hope that I might add good points into my life. But it seems unlikely as everything fades around me and a wall of black advances upon me, engulfing me. Leaving me to never wake up again.

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