I Miss You

July 20, 2010
By Anonymous

It's funny, how things change over time. How two people can completely change, how proud palaces turn into ruins, how three tiny words used to mean one thing, but then
mean another.

2004 - 2006. I moved from a big city to a small town. I wore pink everyday and loved hip-hop and rap. However, my cousin Steve would play nothing but metal, and as he was
my elder, he had all control over the radio. I was horrified, yet slightly mesmerized, by this form of music I had never heard before. I met two people that would become very important in
my life, whom I will call Sam and Liana. I wasn't very close to Sam, but Liana and I were. We spent every day with each other until summer, where we grew apart. 2005 was a bad year.
I only really remember one thing: feeling so alone I attempting suicide. It was my first attempt. By 2006, everything was changing. I was wearing a lot less pink than I usually wore. It
was my sixth year of dancing. Sam and I, in the same dance class, grew steadily closer near the end of the year. I was starting to really like the bands Steve listened to, which of
course made him happy. Life was getting somewhat better. I was happy about that but I still yearned for the city, my one true home. I went there that summer andbegan taking Tahitian
dance lessons. I fell in love with the dance and to this day I still practice it.

2007. Now my story really gets into gear. I returned for my fourth year and Sam greeted me with open arms, hugging me and telling me how much he had missed me.
Because we weren't exactly friends, I found this odd but I accepted it. We had all our academic classes together, and we always saw each other in the halls. We talked and were
becoming very good friends.

I won't lie, I loved Sam. He was the sweetest boy you ever could have met. He was there when you needed him, he always could cheer you up, he loved you back. He was
everything I was looking for in a friend. I soon developed a crush on him. I kept it a secret, worried he wouldn't like me back. I was right about that in the end. There was a new girl in
the school, we're gonna call her Ashley. Ashley and I quickly bonded over our very great love of all things Harry Potter. We became best friends in less than a month. We were a trio:
Sam, Ashely, and I. I wasn't really hanging out with my old friends. And then everything took a turn.

Sam and Ashely started dating. I didn't want to be a third wheel, so I turned back to my old friends, who readily accepted me with open arms. I was glad to be back with them
for the short while Sam and Ashely dated, but I was still sad I was drifting from Sam. It was like losing Liana again, but worse. They broke up and hated each other. I obviously (and
foolishly) took Ashley into my group of friends, who were willing to get along with her.

Near the middle of the year, Sam was placed next to me. We talked, and found out we both loved Panic! At The Disco. Our math teacher was lax, so every class we sang
Panic! songs until the bell rang. I was still depressed, but I was happy to have Sam back. He joined my group of friends. We were all very close. We were a little family that stuck
together. Then something made my depression get worse, I don't exactly remember what happened but I do remember it involved Sam. I attempted suicide for the second time.

But then something great happened. Every year we had a dance concert. I decided to choreograph a Tahitian dance and do tryouts. I easily got in. Everyone who watched was
shocked that I could move my hips so fast, and for a beginner. My dance was even specically mentioned in the intro to the show. Everyone loved me. I became popular, and I won an
award for my dance skills. I was the girl the first year dancers wanted to be like. Life was getting so good. I was becoming happy.

Sam and I texted a lot the summer after our fourth year. I was thrilled to have him as my best friend. He came over constantly. I still had the crush on him, but I still never told
a soul. I fell madly in love with metal. It was my soulmate and my mother hated it. I didn't mind her though, I was too into my new love of metal to care she hated it.

2008. It was our final year at the school. I was still popular with the dance kids, and a lot of the other kids. I became depressed still. But I had Sam, and that was all that
mattered. He was changing, slowly. He was wearing band shirts and tight pants, and he grew his hair out. He was becoming a little more bitter and sarcastic, but I didn't notice. We
were true-blue best friends. I loved him and he loved me. Not in the way I wanted him to, but I was taking all I could get. Near the end of the uneventful year, I was experimenting with
styles. Some days I was goth, some days Aggie. I went through styles, trying to figure out what was me. During these days I met a boy from our rival school. Let's call him Chris. I fell
deeply in love with him, or at least developed a crush that could rival a Bieber Fever victim. Except I knew him and I really, truly think I loved him.

I tried out for cheerleading. I had zero experience, only my nine year dance rep to support me, and three very expecting, only-wanting-the-cream-of-the-crop coaches. I
miraculously got on JV. None of my friends had been expecting it, and the whole school was rather shocked I got on the cheer team. Sam thought I was crazy, but he still stood by me.
I got through the year, my crush on Sam was slipping away to the abyss, and I felt rather alone. I didn't know anyone on the team, I was losing friends, and I was just scared I was
going to lose everyone. And then it happened.

Chris brutally broke my heart. Even now, while I'm typing this, my eyes are tearing up when I think about what happened. And for that reason I'm not saying what happened.
Use your imagination on what happened. And once your done fantasizing, you can get nearer to the end of my story. Sam was there for me, telling me it was gonna be okay, and that
Chris didn't deserve me, that I deserved the best in the world. My crush on him deepened.

2009. Sam and I were so close it was like we shared a body. And this is where things changed. I became goth, and Sam became scene. He started mocking me and my
new choice of style. He started becoming a selfish jerk. And my depression became wide as a Redwood tree as I learned my parents had lied about the reason they divorced. I No
longer felt like I had a dad. my dad became, in my eyes, more of a close family friend.

I became friends with a boy named Rick. We sat next to each other in Health and bonded over metal and Legend of Zelda. He would always hug me and say "I love you" and'
such. He would pick me up, and pat my head, and generally just mess with me. He was the only boy I really knew that treated me well and cared, for that matter. Rick had a friend,
let's call him Joey. I didn't know him really in the first semester. We talked once, and that was it.

I was getting bullied. It was so severe that my counsler had to change my entire schedule around so I could get away from my tormentors for a while. I had my English and
PE periods switched, and I was inducted to Honor's English. I started my new classes when we came back form winter break. Everyone in Honor's thought I shouldn't have been there
and didn't talk to me. I was alone again. Sam was becoming distant and he started talking about babies. He was becoming a jerk and started drinking. Not a lot, just a little and
occassionally, but I was easily worried he'd hurt himself. I begged him to stop, but he told me he wouldn't. Not even for me. It plunged me deeper into my depression. I attempted
suicide again.

There was one very great advantage I had with my schedule change. In our warm up lines for PE, I was placed behind Joey from Health. I barely knew him, but he was the
only person I could really talk to. He started a conversation, and we soon became friends. He's one of the few people that seems to handle my love of talking well. Sam started talking
non stop about babies. He told me how he wanted one, and he even would talk to me about his imaginary children. Summer came, and it had been months since Sam and I had an
actual conversation.

"Jennie!" he'd tell me. "My little [imaginary] boy thinks you're his mama. Jennie! I want a baby SO bad! Jennie, babies this! Jennie, babies that!" It
drove me up the wall. I kept in contact with Joey and I don't know how many times I've complained to him about Sam and his love of babies (and complained to him in general). Then it

Sam and I were talking, and I politely asked him to stop talking about babies. He flipped out. He unleashed hell at me. "Shut the f*** up, you f***ing little w****. You can go
get raped by the devil for all I care." he told me. We started a fight, one of the many we had been getting into lately. A few night later he was insulting me, saying things so bad it made
me sob. I NEVER cry. I think it's weak and I keep everything on the inside. I told him I didn't want to be friends with him anymore. He was being a jerk to me and he had changed from
the sweet, caring boy I knew in seventh grade to a selfish jerk.

I told him about my crush on him. All he said was "Oh. Wow. Okay then." Like Chris, he broke me. I obviously cried to Joey about it. It seemed him and Liana were my only
friends. They were there for me and I thank them for it.

A few weeks passed. I was still upset about losing Sam, but ever so slowly I was healing. I deleted his numbers, defriended him on Myspace, and he did send me a few texts,
but I never responded. I trashed the pictures I had of him, cried at every memory I had of him, I erased him from my life as much as I could.

EPILOGUE. Joey and I still talk a lot, and at first when I thought he'd replace Sam, he hasn't. I know we'll never be as close as Sam and I were, but he's a great friend and I
thank him for it. I erased Sam from my mind, rarely ever thinking about him. I was healing well. And I was a proud goth. Then tonight, an hour before I typed this, he sent me a text. I
figured it was about something stupid, but I opened it anyway. And three words, three little, simple words, ripped open the wound that was healing.

I miss you.

The words, so small, so insignifcant, but when put together spell saddness. I remember the good times I had with Sam. He was the bestest friend I had, and no one would
ever get close to replacing him. I still love him, but we're never gonna be friends again. I'm happy I had him for a year or two, but it's time to move on. To get over him and get on with my
life with Joey and Liana. And I close my tiny, tragic tale with the words I wanted to tell Sam.

I miss you too.

The author's comments:
This is for "Sam." I always will hurt over what you did to me, but I will focus on the positive effect of our friendship. I miss you and I wish the change never happened. And just
like I will always be pained by what you did, I will always love you.

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