New Outlooks

July 19, 2010
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From this day on, I'm going to look at myself with a whole new outlook. I normally don't think about my appearance, and when I do think about myself, all I can think is Why am I trapped here? I hate my looks, I hate everything about myself.
As I type this, my family is stuck in storms. Horrible thing, after horrible thing crashes into our happiness. I want life to be like it used to be.
Before all of this heck broke loose, my family was the best. We got to go do family things together and have fun and we never had a problem being ourselves. We would go to the county fair every year, go to the Brat Fest, we would watch movies at the movie theater and have the best times ever.
Now, all we have to keep us together is a television set, and that most of the time doesn't work. We try to recreate good family times, but it always turns into a diaster. One time we tried to have fun by finding one of the local dairy farms that sold ice cream. We didn't find it, and my parents neglected to speak to each other the whole day.
My Mom doesn't express her feelings that well and my Dad can't read the obvious. My Mom gets all upset because my Dad doesn't do things for the family, like instead of going to the bar, going and getting groceries. My Dad brings all of the money into the family. Even though he works at a low rate, and he deserves more, we never have enough money for satisfaction. We watch our spendings and my Mom always calls me and my little brother, "Little selfish spoiled rotten brats". She doesn't know what heck we live in, and she pictures her self as perfect.
I know no one is perfect, she's the one who taught me that. I just wish that sometimes she could notice that she's why I played the violin, and she's why I'm into music and writing. And why I want to be just like her.
But for me, it's time to face the facts. My Mom is a diabetic woman, she's overweight, she has problems with her legs and that might lead to aputations, my Mom's eyes aren't that well either. She had Laser Eye Surgery done for her Glaucoma, and it was a failure, she's now going to go get a hole drilled into her eye to release extra fluids. I'm scared for her. I could loose her at any moment.
My Dad is almost the same way. My Dad had Glaucoma too, but his eyes are better, way better. My Dad is almost 71 years old, he lost one leg so he has a wooden leg, he was in a car accident a while ago and the doctors found a fracture in his lower back.
I know he won't be there to walk me down the isle when I get married (if I get married). I know my Mom won't care, or she might not even be there.
My brother has ADHD (Attention Dephisite Hyper-Activiy Disorder) and a learning disabiltiy. He refuses to take his meds, so that makes him hyper all the time. He doesn't cope with anyone that well and all he can really do then, is shout unwanted things and make sound effects. Even though he is only 11, I wish sometime he could be the one to support me, instead of me being the one to explain to him that our parents are dying.
I miss the old times. I miss everyone. Come back, please?

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This article has 10 comments. Post your own now!

falcon96 said...
Aug. 19, 2010 at 8:04 pm

rough is an undrstatement!!


fireflynight said...
Jul. 30, 2010 at 12:03 pm

Life seems to have thrown you some really nasty pitches, Dark. And I agree with Debora (Yo, Deb, how's it hangin') you're really quite a pretty girl. I'm here to listen, and I won't judge, all right?


Dark_Dreams replied...
Sept. 27, 2010 at 8:22 pm
Thanks. :)
DeboraYouknowmeEm said...
Jul. 22, 2010 at 10:12 am

I'm here for you, Dark. You have been my friend for.... Ever?! I don't know, close enough. Say, I'm going to send you a text, and the contents to that text will lead to the old days- you, me, and a bunch of crazy people. I love you, you've always been like a sister to me. And I need you in my life, you've changed it. I wanna hang out with you more and you ARE beautiful, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I wish I had your hair and your skin. Your skin is so clear! [no offense] all you need ... (more »)

Dark_Dreams replied...
Jul. 27, 2010 at 2:58 pm
Thanks, Deb! :D :D :D :D
Healing_Angel said...
Jul. 22, 2010 at 1:13 am
Listen to me: You are not pathetic. We all have our own problems. It's not weak to admit not everything is perfect. In fact, it takes courage to type out you life problem for the world to see. I don't know what you think about school counsellors, but you should go see the one at your school. It's completly confidential and they aren't allowed to tell anyone anything without your permission. You are a person first, you are not the person with the "odd or old parents!" and... (more »)
Dark_Dreams replied...
Jul. 27, 2010 at 2:57 pm
Thanks. The support makes me feel a lot better. :D
madmadie22 said...
Jul. 20, 2010 at 9:17 pm
Oh my God!  I'm sorry if this offends you, but how old are you?  I mean, I guess there isn't a specific age for having kids, but your parents are a lot older than most.  Anyway, thanks for sharing your feelings.  I don't think your pathetic; you've obviously been going through a lot.  If you think it might help, why not try to hold a "family meeting" or something. Talk to your parents (and your brother too) about sharing feelings so that they aren't all bottled up. ... (more »)
Dark_Dreams replied...
Jul. 21, 2010 at 12:12 pm
Thanks for the positive feedback. I'm only 13. My Mom is already getting help with her obseity, but because she was anorexic at one time in her life, her body is in "survival mode" so it holds on to fat. She's trying all of the dietary programs she can. Thanks for helping me out. You have no idea how much it's appreciated.
madmadie22 replied...
Jul. 21, 2010 at 9:18 pm
Your very welcome, and I'm glad your mom's getting help.  :)
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