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A Letter to Romeo
So clearly, if you’re reading this I’m finally strong enough to say to you everything I’ve been wanting to for months. I’m finally able to say everything I’ve ever held back and/or everything you have suppressed for your benefit. So I didn’t make you mad. So I didn’t hurt your feelings. So I didn’t—god forbid—prove you wrong.
I hate what you did to me. I hate you for taking advantage of me the way you did. You made me believe in you. You made me think I was special to you. You made me think I mattered to you when I didn’t. Instead, I was just another pawn you played in some sick twisted game you had going on. Another girl for you to check off of some stupid list you have in your head. I can’t tell you how much I hate you for that.
I gave you all that I had to give. I loved you and gave you all my time and you took that and threw it all away. And for what? Your ego? Your pride? To be honest, I think both are shattered at this point. At least one could hope since that’s what happened to mine.
Everything I thought I knew—who I was, what I liked to do, what I believed in, what I trusted, who I believed in, who I trusted—you robbed from me. Not only you robbed it from me, but you replaced it with what you wanted me to know. You tried to manipulate how I thought, what I did, who I hung out with, what I liked. Everything.
You suppressed everything about me instead of embracing it so I could be what you wanted me to be. Again, I can’t express to you how much I hate you for that.
And what was the point? Did you honestly believe that you could get away with it forever? Newsflash, I may be trusting and give every one the benefit of the doubt even when they don’t deserve it, but I’m not stupid. I’m a strong girl with a strong intuition. And I know what’s best for me. Lying, cheating, guys like you are definitely no where near worth two seconds of my time.
To an extent, I’m sorry I ever trusted you. I’m sorry I didn’t get to know you better before ever agreeing to be your girlfriend because had I done that, I would’ve saw who you really were and could’ve protected myself a long time ago. I would’ve known you were a liar, a cheater, and someone who didn’t deserve anything I had to offer. I’m sorry I didn’t speak up sooner. I’m sorry I let you in so much. I’m sorry I gave you so much power. I’m sorry I ever let you into my heart. I’d say I regret dating you had the outcome not been so great.
Thanks to you, I have good friends I can count on and who were there for me when you weren’t. Who had my back, when you didn’t. Who built me up when you tore me down. Who were so much better to me than you ever could be. Who actually accept me for who I am and love me when I am myself. Who appreciate my sense of humor and who love seeing me laugh instead of seeing me cry. Who notice the small things about me like how my eyes tend to change color when I cry, or how when there’s something wrong I hardly have to say a word and they know almost immediately something’s up, how I seem to glow when I’m legitimately happy, or how I after the months of stress I’ve been under I’ve actually seemed to lose—and hopefully have gained some of it back by now—weight.
Thanks to you and your stupidity I had a great time at prom. I laughed a lot and actually enjoyed myself. Something I don’t think I could’ve necessarily done—at least not to the same extent, especially now knowing what I know about you—had we gone together.
I don’t believe though that the guys understand fully everything you did to me. And they probably never will. Grayson probably understands more than the others because he saw the shape I was in first hand once you were “gone.”
He saw how skittish, how jumpy, how angry I was at just the thought of you. None of those feelings were because I missed you. No, they were all more dealing with the fact that I let you control me so much and brainwash me that I didn’t know how to be myself. I didn’t know what it was like to be on my own again. Or be able to think freely, and speak for myself, and act myself without worrying about being scolded or judged. The guys and Grayson will never understand how you guilt tripped me into believing in you when I knew I shouldn’t. Trusting you when I knew it was wrong or even putting myself in situations I was too immature to handle.
I know, especially now, that I was never ready for sex. I thought I was and had you not turned out to be the guy I thought you were freshmen year, maybe I would’ve been. But as it turns out, that’s not the case and I’m glad I never had sex with you despite all your attempts of talking me into it. I’m proud of myself for not giving you the one piece of me I had left. I’m glad I didn’t believe you when you were saying you were a virgin. I’m lad I didn’t believe you when you said we could steal each other’s “V” cards. I’m glad a part of me wasn’t stupid enough to trust anything you said to that degree. I’m glad I didn’t give you what you wanted, despite all the guilt trips you passed out left and right.
For a while, I was angry at myself for believing in the stuff I had believed in that came out of your mouth. For letting you get away with calling her you cousin for so long. For all the talk about “fights” with people, the telling people off, the races you were in, the “concert” you played in. The fact that you had a band. The fact that you played guitar. How you got put in jail once for a night with your uncle and got a whopper for sitting there for so long. How you had a relationship with a girl in Romeo for three years. How Grayson is out drinking all the time. How you meant to text me sometimes, and “accidently” texted her. How you supposedly thought Sarah was ugly and yet you dated her for three months during our relationship, until she dumped you after finding out about me. (And then you went to her hoping to get something you weren’t getting from me). Yes, for a while I was angry at myself, even hated myself for ever believing a word that came out of your mouth. For letting you in when I shouldn’t have given you two seconds of my time. For letting myself fall for an illusion. A fake. Something that wasn’t real and was never there. I’ve learned to forgive myself though and soon with time everything you did to me will all just be a distant memory. No more skittish thought bubbles, no more worrying that you’re still trying to weasel your way back into my life when we both know it’s not going to happen. I will be/am stronger that I was before and when I was with you. Never again, will I let some stupid guy treat me the way you did. That is a promise to myself I intend to keep.
The memories unfortunately will always be there. And although there were some good times, I feel as though a knife is tearing a new rip into my heart every time I recall these since those memories weren’t real. You were lying during all of them. The lies, whether big or small, were always there. Shadows, secrets, and girls on the side will always haunt those memories so I will never be able to take a good look at those memories and accept them the way I could had this been a different kind of break-up.
I’d say I feel bad for this note being so harsh, but I don’t. I know it could be a lot worse. I could call you an a$$hole, a douche bag, a lying, cheating scumbag. Which are all true and two of which you have admitted yourself on more than one occasion. But I guess I won’t because I’m sure you’ve either thought these yourself or have been told them by someone else. If neither, well now you know. Again, I don’t believe this note is harsh because hopefully it’ll wake you up and change your ways of thinking so that when some other girl comes along you will know how to treat her right, and maybe she’ll be nice enough not to do the same thing you did to me and won’t put you through the hell you put me through.
Hopefully you’ll see that men aren’t stronger than women. In fact in some cases, such as this one, the woman is stronger. Hopefully you’ll see that you shouldn’t burn bridges. That you should cherries the ones around you who love you because one screw up, some cases two, they’re gone for good and they aren’t coming back. Hopefully you’ll see that your way isn’t always the best way. Hopefully someday you’ll learn to shut up and let others talk. Even if it means proving you wrong or acknowledging your faults. Hopefully you’ll see that in doing so, you could learn something valuable about something, or maybe even about yourself. And hopefully you’ll see that there is such a thing as love and hopefully one day you’ll learn what it is and how to feel it, give it, and accept it. I don’t think you loved me like you say you did/do because had you, we wouldn’t be in the situation we are now, and what happened wouldn’t have happened. Maybe you had some feelings for me, but to be honest now I don’t know what to believe because everything that you say and everything that you say you feel isn’t real. It’s just a sad, lonely, empty lie. And never again, will I fill myself with those. Never again, will I let you or any other guy hurt me the way you have, lie to me the way you have, or make me feel so inferior. From now on, I’m loving myself and I’m letting you go…for good. I’m taking my power back and nothing you say or do will affect me in any way any longer.
If you’re reading this and have taken the time to read this whole note, then it means two things. First, it means I’m ready to move on. And two, it may mean that so are you. Or at least you’re one step closer to seeing as you actually took the time to read this. Meaning for once you listened to what I had to say. If you didn’t, well that further proves my point on how I deserve better and how you don’t deserve me.
If you’re still reading, please note that I hope I forgive you. If I don’t now, I hope I forgive you one day. I hope that you do get the help you need and learn from your mistakes. I hope that I was able to teach you whatever it was God wanted you to learn so that you will treat the next girl that loves you as much, if not more, than I did, like she’s a princess. Like she’s the whole world. Like she’s your whole world. I hope that if you truly want to change/are changing the way you say you do/are you’ll understand that I do deserve better. That you understand that I need to move on. That you understand why I’ve done everything I have. And one day I hope you understand that I did love you…at one point. But that I had to love myself more and do what was best for me. Hopefully someday if not now, you’ll understand all this and be able to love yourself and move on as well. And hopefully someday you’ll be able to live your life truthfully and get by peacefully without needing the security of a lie that doesn’t exist. Hopefully you’ll be able to forgive yourself and whoever it was who did you wrong so long ago. Whether it was your family, a good friend, or even some stranger. Whoever. I hope one day you can forgive them and get some peace with yourself and your life.
Thank you for all that you taught me. You’ve served your purpose in my life for now, and now it’s time for me to move on. Sorry it had to be this way, but it wasn’t my decision, nor my choices to make. They were yours and Gods. Either way, goodbye Romeo. And good luck.
- Juliet -