I cant hear myself anymore. Im being corrupted by other people's thoughts. It's torment not being able to be free inside your own head. It's a constant debate you almost never win. EVER! I'm having to define a thin line of who is controlling me. Am i deciding my own decisions or am i letting someone decide for me? The more i step into these depths of empty values, unknown attitudes, and misjudgments im realizing something. Im changing. The nature of my actions aren't the same anymore. I do not think before I speak and I wont allow anyone to belittle me like I use to. I've built this rough exterior in time that took alot of work. A year ago I was known to be the christian girl who attended church every single day of the week, praised and obeyed the good Lord but once i let those values to be part of a now distant past. I was never looked at the same again. My grandmother hates who i have become but what she doesnt understand is that I chose to be this way. I dont smoke or drink nor do i party like a rockstar but i do stand up to what i believe in. I think what grinds her gears is having to witness her granddaughter leave behind my christian beliefs and decide to be free. Free in the definition to experience the liberties of finding myself and having the opportunity to do something i wanted to do. No one and nothing enforcing me to follow a certain path, the pressure to please family, friends, and the church. I hear there voices nagging at me, disciplining me to be who i once was but whats wrong with what i am now? I still have respect for myself and the people around me. so then why can't we all be given the opportunity to be who we truly are meant to be. sometimes you have to lose yourself in order to find yourself again. why cant we all be given that chance? if it doesnt work out we can always go back. re trace our path. and stick to the same old routine or we can enter a forbidden journey, where you never know what to expect.
"voices you can never shake"
May 27, 2010