Personas are the different masks that we all wear. For every occasion we have a different persona to decorate and disguise ourselves with. We hide behind these masks that we create to make sure that no one sees how truly vulnerable we actually are. As humans, none of us are perfect, but we like to up limits to what we let people observe such as our imperfections. The personas that we create resemble icebergs—only ten percent of our true selves are allowed to be seen, while the other ninety percent hides underneath the surface. No one truly knows who we are on the inside. Before high school, I never had a need to hide behind a mask, because most of my friends I had known since I was two; however, when I entered high school I realized that making friends became crucial.
As much as I hate to admit this, I am shallow and I do care what people think of me. Let’s be honest, though; everyone cares what people think regardless of what we say. In my first day of high school, I did not know one person in a school of almost a thousand people. I became frantic and desperate for people to, at the very least, acknowledge my presence.
After meeting the most hyperactive girl in the whole world, I realized that I did not fit in with her, but she was willing to be my friend. So, like many high school girls before me, I lied to make myself sound more interesting. I put on the whole new personality that I truly had no idea how to act out. Suddenly, I was no longer the cute flower child my mother always wanted and ballet held no interest for me. No longer did I wish to listen to the soothing voices of David Bowie or The Beatles (you can imagine my mother’s dismay). From that day on, I was known not by my true name, but as “Chase”.
I suppose Chase is my alter ego in a way. Chase is my total opposite, but Chase was who my friends had grown to love. Chase is the fun girl who was into death metal and darkness. Chase is the flirtatious and honest girl, while I am shy and mostly reserved. Reflecting upon my earlier high school years, I now realize that Chase is the persona I created to hide behind. Naturally, I am shy and frightened of people and awkward situations, but Chase allowed me to open up to people.
Often, I wonder if I even know myself. I have been hiding behind the pretense of Chase for so long, I am not even sure if I truly exist. I believe that we should at least know ourselves, but when we disguise who we are for so long, sometimes our spirit slips away. Sometimes, we lose ourselves in wanting to have friends that we forget that we want people to love us for who we are. Being humans, we desire the need for love to such a great extent that we give up morals and beliefs just to have a feeling of belonging, if only few a little while.
Today, I believe that if I could I would not have allowed myself to hide behind the persona of Chase. Perhaps my “friends” would not have liked me, but then they would not be my true friends. I wish I could go back to being myself again—the ballet dancing flower child with long golden hair. I knew who I was back then, and now I have no clue who I am. All I can hope for now is that I never make the mistake of hiding myself again. I need to get to learn about myself and who I actually am without people encouraging me in the wrong direction. I need to learn to make up my own mind, and not hide behind facades any longer.