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It's all in my head, right?
The hot summer day, seemed to pull the sick out of me. My stomach turning, my sluggish body feeling like a heavy weight under the sun. I walk slowly to the showers across the RV park. My mind had been procrastinating, my body wanting nothing more then to lay down and sleep; but the smell of my own pushed me to the showers.
Entering the cool building gave me a small since of refreshment. I entered the stall hanging my bag of shower supplies on the hook of the door. Sweat had soaked my cloths, I was happy to rid them to the floor and I turned the facet to a trickle. I step in as the water grew worm, I wash myself and take a seat on the stool that folds down from the wall. I sit while the Luke worm water beats on my sore back.
I sat listening to the sound of the water, I pulled my head up letting the water fall onto my face. I straighten my back the mussels procrastinating. I stretch further back, stop.
Its that feeling, the feeling of my brain losing thought. Darkness. I try to straighten my self but its to late. I lost control as my body runs cold. My heart, I cant tell what its doing, has it stopped or is it going faster? Is it even there. My body trembles and shakes with fury as the sick feeling of my soul oozing out of my body. My head is light, the only sensation is a dull throbbing. I can feel my self slipping off the chair my thigh’s digging into it, my finger grasping trying to save myself, but its to late. I lost control. I hit my head, my face then hitting the floor. The taste of blood fills my mouth, my mind lifting from the darkness. I hear some one and the tears flow with the water that beats down one me its light hypnotic sound from just moments ago now sound like the rawer of a beast. I cry and plea as loud as my shaken raspy voice will allow. Still not completely aware, my mind finds its way back to complete consciousness. The pain in my head and mouth are nearly unbearable. I push my self up on shaky arms as I spit blood onto the floor the water makes it thin as it reaches the destination of the drain. The cold tile floor, urges me to get up, but I don’t trust my legs well enough to move much more.
I rub the side of my head, that I assumed I hit on the silver hand rail, or maybe it was the wall ? I cant remember. I was sitting, and then blood; I spit again running my tong over the flesh that had been cut by my front teeth. I remember the impact of the floor and my weightless body colliding with it. My tears still rolling down my face, but my pleas for help had stopped. I had barley noticed I was calling for some one. This has happened before, I try and remember what had happened before. I had gone in the shower, some memory was blotchy, but at least I remembered. I wipe my tears, the feeling of being helpless only replaces them. I grip the seat I had tried to hold on to, pulling myself up. I turn the water off unable to stand the sound. I drab my towel and dry off, the back of my legs sore from sliding off of the seat and trying to hold my self down. I dress slowly wanting nothing more then to find my mother. I walk out of the bathroom trying to be composed but tears still unwillingly leaving my eyes. I find her, she herself was going to take a shower and had stopped by a fellow RV’r to make small conversation.
“Mom,” I say, my throat closing by the tight burning sensation that try’s to take over.
“Mom!” I said, again getting her attention, despite the feeling of an apple in my wind pipe.
“I fell down in the shower, I cut my lip, and hit my head on the railing.” I said choking back more tears of helplessness. My mothers eyes grow slightly larger. The person she is making conversation with, a friend looks concerned. My flesh pail makes me look sick, in contrast to my normally naturally dark tan.
I show my lip blood still oozing out of the cut.
Another trip to the hospital more needles more doctors, more looks.
A year before this.
Its all in my head one had said when I had visited for back pain, checking me for needle marks to see if I was a drug addict. I got an appointment with a chiropractor only a week later, my mother enraged with the needle checker. As soon as I laid down on his table for the adjustment the chiropractor was shocked to find that my hole left side was out of placement, about an inch and a half longer then the other side.
But no, its in my head, its just fainting it happens when girls go through puberty. Even if the symptoms had shown well before, and had still not gone away 2 years after.
After the chiropractor only a few days later, another incident. With my best friend and my brother. Helium, innocently playing with a balloon. It was at the park, Easter some time ago I must have been barely 13. A major event people, food, even a live band.
I had apparently gone completely white, my body smashing itself agents the tree I had been standing next to. I fell having another seizure. I don’t remember much but of being hysterical, screaming I don’t remember, where am I? who are these people! The emotion of panic. I remember someone asking if we needed an ambulance, and my mother trying to sooth my hysteria. I remember being in a hospital in a wheelchair puking my guts out in the waiting room, because my head had small internal bleeding from the impact of the tree. I waited an hour in that room before they would even let me see a doctor. And another long wait to have my brain Scand just to find I had a concussion. I had no true recollection of the time or day this happened or the sequencing. Just blotchy mixed images.
But its in my head, right? At least that’s what the doctors say. I haven’t passes out in a while, but I still get really dizzy, tunnels vision, and occasionally the shakes, the cure that I have got for my mystery condition is to sit or lay down. I was supposed to go to UC Berkley and have a CT scan and get a heart monitor to figure you what’s wrong with me, but the transfer never went through. Not for the poor.
I am haunted, waiting for the next episode to come along and lifelessly fall to my fate.
I have no trust in medical care, but then again Its all in my head, right?