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Digging my way out..

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I'm appalled with myself.
Just,so completely appalled.

It took a cheesy (but incredible!) song I haven't heard in years performed by the lovely
Avril Lavigne to make me realize how far I've let things go.
I've realized how incredibly stupid,selfish,cold,and dim witted I've been these past few
months.
I let depression get the better of me.
I've lost myself in everything.
I cannot believe how close I came to ending my own life,over nothing but what was in my own
mind.How close I came to hurting the people I love the most,how greatly I would have hurt them.
I'll admit,I'm not free of depression,though I'm not even sure how I got clutched in it's
grasp.I'm stunned.
Simply shocked,at how bad I let myself get.

I have so many things to live for,its not even me I've ever been concerned for,other
people need me.I've struggled with the hurt of depression since I was around twelve years old,but it got
intense this year.

I'm amazed,I lost everything;my morals,my values,my relationships.
My grades are now a big orchestra of F's,going to take forever to bring myself back up
from that little downpour of failing.
I got so far away from God,where at one point I wasn't even sure if he existed.
I let almost all of my friends go,which led me to believe no one cared for me.
Even though,I do only have one friend at this point,but maybe I can patch and repair things
with everyone else someday soon,not that I deserve their acceptance or forgiveness.
I pushed them all away,at the fault of their flaws. Their flaws.
I cannot believe I've focused on other people's flaws for so long,all the while demeaning my own.
I changed,and none in good ways,or reasons.


'So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend,
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah!'

Powerful,and it really opened my eyes,that song,just really got to me.

I'm noticing more and more everyday,I have such a bad habit of codependancy.
No one will magicly whisp me away to a better place,I'll have to change things myself.
Doing so,is much easier said than done.
It's changing,
changing my veiws on how life is,and finding good things coming from nothing.
And creating a better place for myself.

I miss myself,
The independance,the smile that never seemed to end.
My uniqueness,how I loved the things I loved so passionately.
How I tried my very hardest to be a great friend,and a wonderful daughter.
How amazing I believed everything was.
How I had such a relationship with God,until it felt as if even He,wouldn't want me with him.
How I wanted nothing more than to accomplish my dreams,and inspire others.
I was one of the brightest stars,as cocky as this sounds.
..Until I faded,faded away to an empty shell covered in hopelessness and smothered in
helplessness.
The feelings of letting myself and everyone else down completely overwhelmed me,
when these friends tried to break down my shell,I kicked and I screamed and I pushed them so
very far away.
Nothing made me happy anymore.
Things that used to make me literally jump in the air with excitement.
The laughter,the fun.
It was just,gone. As if it never existed to begin with.
To make things worse,the less people tried to help me,to save me,the more I felt like
they didn't even want me around.

The bullies and horrible people I'm forced to deal with at school only made things worse,until one
night I actually had a bottle of pills and two knives laying beside me.
Realizing what was happenening to me,I sat quietly on the edge of my futon,that entire night.
the tears just fell and fell.

I'm filled with such remorse,
I don't know if I'm trying to convince myself or everyone else writing this,but I know
that it is indeed helping me.

I know,I'm a beautiful person.
Talented and wonderful.
In every aspect,
but I lost it,
but now,this road will only get harder until I reach the end,
and find everything is better than ever before.

Maybe,if I get the assistence I need to overcome this,
I'll get better,and live my life to it's full potential again.
It's sad,when a fifteen-year-old girl goes to the worst conclusions,and wants to take her own
life.
It sends chills down my spine,how close I came. How close I put that blade to my body.
How bad I would have hurt my mother,my father,my brother,my friends.
How could I even consider leaving them in that way?

Depression is a rough thing to deal with,I should have realized what was going on so long
ago.
There's so much love out there,and some of it is for,even me.
I always thought I would overcome all the obstacles thrown in my way,but alas,being human,
I have my weakpoints.
And depression isn't the blues,or sadness for a few days.
It's like a black hole that pulls you in.
And you live in it,for months,to years.
Intense sadness,hopelessness,confusion,helplessness,hurt.
And knowing from expeirience,I thought it was normal and every kid my age was dealing
with it.
I didn't know that suicidal thoughts were actually not a good thing.
I knew they weren't pleasant,and they were involuntary,but I didn't know it's not normal
to have them all the time.
Self-hatred,self-harm,more confusion,
Didn't know who to go to,who to talk to,didn't really know what was wrong.
I was sad,deeply and overwhelmingly sad,all the time,but I didn't usually have a reason.
I just was,but I never was before. I was naturally a happy,outoging,upbeat type of person.
I used one of my deep loves,writing,as a way to cope,at least,until after a while,that didn't
even appeal to me.

But anyway,I'm pulling myself out,at least to a point where I can let someone else in to
help me.
I have a new-found feeling of,feeling safe.
I feel safe.
I don't know how just a little song triggered this,but it did,and I feel safe.
I owe Avril one.That song just,is one of those songs that seeped through like spilt soda on
a multi-layered bed covered in blankets.

I should have asked for the help when I needed it the most.
I have a destiny,and I know I have a purpose,though I didn't believe so.
And I probably will let that assurance go when I go into one of my 'moods' again.

But,right now.
I'm dissapointed in myself,but I feel stronger than I did.
I'm at a certain,peace.
I'm healing,
But we all know,scars are forever.

'Battles will come at you throughout your lifetime,but when you know you'll be okay,despite whatever happens,
that..is when one is a true warrior.'


---song mentioned, 'Keep Holding On' - Avril Lavigne.





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