Losing So Much

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Being a teenager is hard, but I don't think it's the age that really defines the whole concept; I think it's the range of emotions. In a single day I have found myself feeling thrilled, depressed, frustrated, lost, confused, hopeful, and then crushed. On top of that, I think it's how much we're maturing in such a short time. I find myself wondering if the life of an adult is any harder. I don't know what it's like to experience what it's like to be an adult and honestly, I don't believe that I ever will. In my short lifetime, only knowing what it's like to be a child, I have found myself fearing a lot of things, and yet I know that when I have aged and grown to my fullest extent – even then – I will fear many things.

When I was small, I feared that there were monsters hiding in my closet, and I would awake in the night and find myself wondering where I was and when they were coming to get me. As I grew older and my mind matured, I feared different things, more things, even far more complicated things than I had when I was young. Then, years passed still and I found different experiences shaping my thoughts and worries, and once again, I found that I was frightened of a number of different things. Still, when I think about it, I often wish that I could have my ignorant and naïve thought process back, for as I stand today, I would rather face a monster in my closet than the monsters at my school, or even the monsters inside of me. I fear that sometimes, they will swallow me hole, and I won't be able to call out to my friends or family to save me. With that, I realize that as I grow older, I will never fear nothing; my fears will only become more complex and convoluted. On top of that, I will have no-one to turn to once they grow to be too much to handle. The process of age is an intricate one and one that I feel I do not entirely understand. Again, I feel that I never will.

Aren't adults simply complex versions of children? Sure, they've gotten larger, smarter, and more advanced in some aspects, but when you get down to the nitty-gritty, you have to realize that we aren't all that different. When I crawl into bed at night, I dream of everything I could want, and I will assume that adults do this as well. When I wake up, I plan out what my day will consist of, and once again, I will assume that this goes through an adult's mind as well. I have to think about it. When you're an adult, are the same insecurities, problems, basic fears still with you? You're desire to succeed, no matter what level it's on, the drive to please someone else, the dream of fitting in. No matter how big you are, you're still a kid running around on a playground trying to find your niche, and this continues for the rest of your life. We're all children on a different level, but I don't think any of us actually reach the ultimate adulthood. It's a nice thought, though, and if you don't worry too much about it, there's certainly something to look forward to, but aren't all things uncovered once we take a moment to stop and ponder? When you strive so much to “grow up,” don't you ever realize that you're pushing too hard to leave behind that which gives you comfort? You want to mature, and you want to take responsibility, but at what?

Perhaps ignorance really is bliss. The more I age, the more emotions I feel, and the more time it takes me to get over them. It doesn't matter what kind of wound I get, physical or emotional, but the older I get, the longer it takes for me to heal. I watch my niece and nephew fall down and scrape their knee or hurt their head and what do you think they expect from you to fix it? No, certainly no cast or careful wrapping. All I see is an outstretched hand, and when I kiss it, the tears seem to disappear and everything is bright and sunny once more. When you grow, you find more reason to need more. Whether it's more human contact, or more love and care, you always need more... I'm starting to think that this is because we're losing so very much; we need something to fill the void.





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