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Search and Rescue

Some days I find myself driving aimlessly, and I end up back at that place. The place where the world as I knew it turned upside down and inside out. The place where everything that I had was lost. Everything that I knew was gone. Everything that I was, was dead.

I'll park my car and take in the view. The city lies before me, so distant, so surreal. I'll get out of my car, and position myself where you stood that night. I look where you looked. I feel what you felt. I picture your silhouette reflecting off the moonlight. I see you from where you stood, holding it in your hand, tossing it up in the air, and catching it as it fell back down. I picture you winding up your arm, and throwing that piece of me as far as it would go. I still hear that dull ping of the metal hitting the ground in the distant trees. A part of me died when I heard it hit the ground. A part of me I will never get back.

I stand where you stood and pick up small rocks, trying to match the size and weight. I feel them in my palm, imagining your thoughts as you held a part of me for the last time. And I throw those rocks, those pieces of glass, those bits of debris. I throw them as hard as I can, and watch them fall. I walk in the direction of my aim, and search for that piece of me. Every broken beer bottle glimmering in the sun creates a false hope. I see a shine in the distance and my heart races, only to find an abandoned candy wrapper.

Every search is a disappointment. Like the parents of a missing child who never reappears, I too have given up hope. That memory forever gone. That piece of my heart, irreplaceable. I'd do anything to have myself back. I'd do anything to fill that gap in my soul. I know you aren't coming back, I know it is too late to ask for forgiveness, for redemption. But that symbol, that trinket of my identity, I cannot live without. I will never fully be whole again, nor shall I try to be.

A lost cause, a lost love, a lost hope, a lost life. Friends forever? More like friends never.





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