The thick black comforter engulfed me as I sunk into my body’s impression in the foam mattress pad on my bed. My cheeks red hot and streaked with tears burned as I turned my head and buried my face into my pillow. I hadn’t moved from the spot where he picked me up and put me what seemed like hours ago. I not really sure how long I’d been here, but I was too afraid to move, afraid that if I even breathed the wrong way that this would all become real. Maybe if I just lay here I will wake up and it will all just be a terrible nightmare. That this whole semester would be a dream that just took a wrong turn back in October, or was it September? I replayed the months over and over in my head trying to decide when this all started, when I became the someone you could call when she was busy instead of the other way around. I think it was September. I was slowly slipping into depression, while you quickly slipped into parties and alcohol. And her. You were too busy to notice I was barely eating anymore. I didn’t eat breakfast, skipped lunch, ate maybe a fourth of my dinner. I was tired, all the time. You noticed that, I know you did, because while I would be sleeping, you would be at her dorm doing God knows what. That’s why you didn’t question it, you didn’t care. The door cracked open, I lifted my head from the damp pillowcase to acknowledge Jessica that I was ok, well, alive anyway. She gave me a hug, a thousand apologies for having to go to dance practice, and left. I wasn’t happy that she left, but I was appreciative of the alone time. I finally dragged myself out from the covers and dangled my feet off the edge of the bed. I wasn’t really sure where the chair was that I need to step on to get down , I was pretty sure I had moved it while we were talking earlier. After moving my legs around for a couple of minutes with no luck, I decided to just jump, it wasn’t that far to the ground. My legs were stiff from being curled into my stomach. I stumbled over to the sink and turned on the cold water. The coolness on my face was a much needed relief from the fire that burned through my cheeks. I looked in the mirror as I pulled the towel off of the bar. No wonder he wanted to break up with me. My green eyes burned red as they peered at the reflection in front of me. My entire face was swollen and streaked with mascara from my eyes to my jaw line. My bottom lip poked out swollen and red from me chewing on the inside. My long brown hair fell limp, tangled, and greasy onto my tear soaked t-shirt. I looked like a 9 year old that had gotten beaten up on the playground, only I’m pretty sure I hurt worse now than I ever would if I got beat up. You used to say I was beautiful. I used to believe you. Now I don’t know what to believe anymore. I counted back the time: 1 year, 10 months, 16 days. All a complete waste of my time. No, not a complete waste of time, I learned a lot I guess, just not really what I wanted to learn. It sounds cheesy, but I wanted to learn to love someone with everything I had and be loved the same way back. Well, I upheld my end, you let yours fall through. Remember when everything was fine? It shouldn’t be hard, it wasn’t that long ago. Actually, it was better than fine, we were perfect, hadn’t even had a fight and it had been almost two years, then she came along. I wonder why she decided to pick me, to make my life a living hell. I’m pretty sure I didn’t do anything to her. In fact, I was nothing but nice to her, all the time, and I was pretty sure she liked me too, guess that’s what I get for giving out my trust to someone who hadn’t earned it. I moved the chair back in front of my bed and stepped up onto it. The blue plastic felt cold against my hot feet. I pulled myself back into bed and grabbed the build-a-bear we made together last year. The lady told me it was good luck to kiss the heart before putting it in the bear, I didn’t do it, I was too embarrassed. You teased me and told me I was going to have bad luck. I guess I should have just done it. Who knows? Maybe none of this would have happened if I had just kissed the stupid felt heart. My thoughts drifted back to today. To yesterday, the day before yesterday, and the day before that. As I sorted through the last few days wondering what the hell had happened to us I drifted into sleep. At this point it didn’t matter where my dreams took me, anywhere is better than here.
Anywhere is Better than Here
January 24, 2010