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“How is it that no matter what you do, it's your faith?” Gage tested me. “It's based on
lies and misguided people thinking they know the truth, but no one knows. I'm tired of
hearing about the 'love' and seeing the pain, and these same people unwilling to do
anything to change it. You can tell me about the love when you love something that hates
you, or you die for what you believe, or you have to stand alone. But until then, you stand
untested and its just what you say- no truth, no feeling, no proof. Prove your love to me
and I'll test your love for God and you will know it without needing to prove it to yourself by
trying to help people." I stared into his dark blue eyes, analyzing every word he had just thrown out at me. His eyebrows furred and the corner of the right part of his mouth was curled up like it did when he got mad or accidentally said to much, but didn't care because he had said what he wanted. I searched my mind with the words to say but ended up with just taking a deep breath.
"thats a good start," he whispered, waiting for my words. i did the same, they weren't coming.
"I just wish you could see," i managed.
"see what?" he pushed.
"see what I've seen, felt what i felt. God is amazing, He's real, He's huge, He's alive. Your His son Gage, his son. he loves you. He's knocking on your door, just open it. You tell me your searching for something, something true, something right." I shook my head slowly and could feel the water behind my eyes, ready to fall, i held them back as best as i could looking for the right words to say as he stared into my face, searching for more explanation.
"You are worth everything to God. why are you trying to run away from something that will always find you? give it a chance. My soul, its on fire for God, I live for His wisdom, i breath for His care."
Gage broke the twig he was holding in his left hand, and opened it letting the remains fall onto the ground.
"Just jump off, Molly. See where you land, fly or fall."
I looked into his eyes and my tears started rushing down my cheeks. my face was hot and i was loosing hope, but i said the words echoing in my head.
"I've already jumped off, Gage. I'm flying."
He looked at my face, examining my words. I could taste my tears, salt and desperation.
"Maybe," he turned around on his heel, got into his car and drove off leaving me with nothing but the melody I could hear from out of his windows, Jim Morrison preaching the meaning of life into his listeners ears. This is how every conversation i had with him went. Gage made me think more than any person i had ever known. He twisted my thoughts, challenged my actions, and tempted my weak spots. Gage was a pusher, and he would push you until you were completely lost in your thoughts, drowning in your own mind, searching for the question when you already knew the answer. he was my best friend and i loved him with all my mind was capable of doing. but Gage knew every detail about me, every struggle, every hope, every fear, every dream. He knew the right words to make my skin crawl, my spirit burn, and my mind erupt. I had found half of myself through Gage, and for that i would always be grateful. But he had had it bad for the past 18 years of his life.
"My body is young but my soul is old. I'm all used up." he had told me once.
Gage was searching for something, and i knew what that was but what do you do when the answer that is right, is the answer that the question doesn't believe? wouldn't believe?
"I've tried God before. I felt nothing." he said to me once. It's not about emotion, because emotion doesn't last, I should have said.
My mind always stood still when i talked to Gage, I could never express how or what i was feeling. I couldn't relate to his life. He was living with his mom and his brother, paying for half of his bills. His dad had died this past year, and his best friend the year before this one. he had tried almost everything the world had to offer, and left most of it, because he understood the damage. my lowest points in my life could sometimes be his highs. I had both parents, 3 siblings, and lived in suburbia my whole life. I don't know why he was friends with me, or how we were drawn to each other, but we were, and we both made each other think. His life was so dysfunctional, and my life was walking on sunshine before we met. but now its the two twisted together in each of our individual stories. I know i was meant to meet him to plant the seed of spirituality, even a question about God. I wanted him to question in his mind that maybe God could be the reason why we are all here. This is what i believe. This is what I have witnessed, encountered, seen, felt, all of these emotions, and he respected that. I felt an ant crawling on the arch of my foot, I blinked and came back into reality. The sun was setting, I had been sitting there for a wile. I took a deep breath, and stood up, walking back to my navy blue volvo. I climbed in, and drove home in a trance of a hundred thousand different thoughts bouncing off the walls of my bran, leaking into my every cell, and pulsing my veins.
It was 1 AM and i was still awake, lying in my bed, staring up at the celling. I still couldn't figure out why all Gage had to say was "maybe." he always had more to argue about, more to correct me about, or to cancel my solution out with his response. i wanted to make myself believe he was lingering on what i said, questioning his existence, and what God had to do with it. But i knew that wasn't happening, his mind had not been changed. I could feel my body ache, and my stomach start to churn, i was loosing hope, i was loosing a battle that needed to be won. the vibration of my phone made my body jump, i pulled it out from under my pillow and saw i had one new message, from Gage. I opened my phone and breathed. I pressed the OK button and read the nine words i would hold onto until they were fulfilled.
"Be with me when i find where im going." and with that, i could feel the gleam of hope, rocking me to the core of my heart.