(part 1)You will never understand from the eyes of a 16 year old

November 8, 2009
Isn’t it always weird how people figure they know more about you than you know about yourself? How they figure they can tell you what to do because they know best. I never understood that, isn’t it my life to live and not theirs? So why do they figure they can live my life for me? Why can’t they just learn to accept me for who I am and stop trying to change me? I just wish they could understand.

Don’t you just get fed up with people sometimes and just want to be alone, away from it all, but then at the same time you don’t want to be alone. Hmm. Well that’s exactly how I feel. I’m tired of it all, I’m not a machine. I’m not designed to do what you want or to be what you want. I’m just a 16 year old girl living her life. Yea, it may not be the way you want it to be but you were able to live your life so why can’t I live mine the way I want. I guess my whole life I have tried to please everyone else but myself. I did stuff I really didn’t want to. I believed in stuff because you told me to. I hated things because you hated them. I enjoyed moments because you enjoyed them. I laughed because you laughed and I cried because you cried. What did I really get out of doing those things except making myself more miserable? Confused to the point where I don’t know if my own thoughts are even truly mines. Am I living my life for myself or for others? What’s the point in having my own life if I can’t live it the way I choose to? Why can’t they just understand and love me for who I am. Do they even love me? Or do they feel they have to love me? What is love anyways? Is it to have someone control you or dictate what you do and how you do it? Is it when you have to give up everything you love just to please the ones that love you? If so, I want no part of this love thing because it only seems to hurt us more than anything. People say they love you but it’s not true because if they did they wouldn’t ask you to change who u are just because it doesn’t satisfy their needs or makes them uncomfortable. To me if you love someone they shouldn’t have to change who they are and you shouldn’t try to change them and that’s just that. You have your opinion and I have mine.
They say we were put on this earth for a reason. But what reason is that exactly? Oh yeah, we have to figure it out along the way. It seems to me I was put on this earth to cause people pain because that’s all I ever seem to do. Why can’t I ever get it right? Why can’t I make everyone in my life proud of me, proud to say they have me in there life? Hmm. I seem to have a lot of unanswered questions. Everything just piles up day after day. Problem after problem, sorrow after sorrow. When does the list end? Lately I seem to be going about life in a daze, numb. No acknowledge of emotion, just going about the day as fast as possible with no true purpose at all. Wondering what the point anymore? But I won’t give up I can’t give up. This is for me and nobody else. You just have to learn how to accept me for whom I am and stop trying to change me with threats or guilt because it’s not going to work anymore. I am my own person and its time they realize that.
You know what I noticed in life, everyone always says ooh you’re not thinking about my feelings blah blah blah. But did you guys ever sit down and think what about the other persons feelings or that trying not to hurt you could also be hurting them. So it’s basically a loose loose for every one right? That’s what I don’t get about life, you always have to worry about hurting someone’s feelings and the only reason you worry about that is because you don’t want to get your feelings hurt. Yea you guys can try and deny it but you know it true. We spend our lives worrying if karmas going to come around and bite us back. That’s the only reason anybody cares anymore. They care because they what something in return. Some people may want good things in return like a ticket to heaven and others may just do it because the want money out of it but in the ending every ones selfish in their own way.
So how do you really know what’s expected out of you in life. People say oh you’re not supposed to do this you’re not supposed to do that but how do they know that. Life doesn’t come with any instructions. You basically can do whatever you want as long as it’s illegal. So who are they really to tell you what to do with your own life? Hey I’m not saying anything’s wrong with giving advice or taking any but in the end you still have to make a decision and only you can do that. No one else is supposed to do that for you because if you let someone else make that diction for you, you might as well let them take over your life.

I’m always wondering what people think of me. What I can’t seem to understand though, its why do I even care? It’s like do they even matter? No. But some part of me always wonders oh what are they thinking as I walk by? Oh are they laughing at me or something else? It’s like this paranoia that everyone’s making fun of me. I’m still yet to understand it. All I know is that people always make fun of me of it. Is there really something so wrong with being shy? I’ve let people convince me that it’s a huge problem, but is it really? There are a lot of shy people out there that made something of them self. Are you trying to say that I’m not good enough to be one of those people? It’s like yea I would like to get over the shyness but what’s the rush. I’m still young I have time to grow and mature. Maybe it’s not even permanent maybe it will pass as I get older. I know as a fact there is stuff I do now that I would never have done years ago and there are stuff that I still can’t do but so what aren’t I making improvement? Or is the improvement not good enough for you? Should I be trying harder? Opps there I go again, worrying about what people think or want. One day I’ll learn that people really don’t care. Maybe I should be one of those people that don’t care. Hmm.
So have I taught you guys anything yet? Ha. That’s funny, me teaching someone something. Impossible. Unheard of. Unrealistic. Where always trying to give people advice but how come we never take our own? I guess we just don’t realize that we have that problem because we all try to think where this perfect person that’s better than the rest. Or maybe we just are that stubborn we could care less. We try and fix other but we neglect our self and that’s something we should never do because in the end life’s to short we have to enjoy every moment we get. And that’s something I haven’t been doing I always say oh ill wait till college to do this or to do that. But who’s to say ill have that chance to. I’m letting my life breeze pass me without a care, without a purpose. We all should have a purpose to keep us going. Something to look forward to when times are rough and you don’t think you going to make it. That’s what gets me through my days. Having goals doesn’t hurt. Well not for me it doesn’t. Maybe you should try it. Want to know what my goal is? Okay I’ll tell you, my goal is to get as far away from here as possible. Yea I know it would be rough on my own but still at least it would be better than staying here. All I get here is misery and pain. And that’s not fair.





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rramotar90 said...
Nov. 13, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Really enjoyed your story. it was filled wit a lot of emotions and anger. keep up the good writing. Job well done!!
 
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