The Confusions and Lessons of Love

October 16, 2009
By Anonymous

Love is a very complicated emotion. That four letter word can mean so much, yet so little at the same time. Most people don’t realize the common fact that intellect interferes with love. Love is happiness and hope mixed with care, yet it’s created by mistake. But now, I’ve awakened a new topic, being in love. This is where my story comes to a beginning.

Well, I believe the day was May 9, 2008. This is when it first began. I was so excited to be a freshman when school started back up. Today was when we had to go to the high school so we could create our schedules. A group of my friends walked to the high school with me, but there was a new person. I’ve seen him around Sissonville a few times, but I never really acknowledged him. Until today, that is. I just could not keep my eyes off of him. He was so different, and I’m pretty sure that I was amazed by him. So naturally, I talked to him, flirted a little, and made him notice me. It seemed to work really well, and he couldn’t take his eyes off of me as well. We became best friends that day. It was like we were inseparable, because all we ever did was talk and hang out. Life was pretty amazing at that point.

The day was May 24, 2008. That sweet, caring, unique boy asked me to be his girlfriend. . My emotions filled the atmosphere with joy. It was something fresh and new. This was something untouched by darkness and loneliness. My heart wouldn’t calm down, it just kept beating and beating, faster and slower at the same time. For a little while I sat here, just smiling, being so excited of what was to come. I almost forgot to reply to him because I was so caught up in the unfamiliar moment of being wanted. Not just wanted, but wanted by someone who I was drawn to as well. When I replied “yes, “it seemed that everything was in perfect balance. Maybe this would be the start of an emotion as deep as love.

Our relationship was going so well. We talked many times about our future together. The mall was our usual date, and we loved to make the old people mad. We were so similar, yet so different. Our wants and needs were the same, and he had all the qualities of my perfect Prince Charming. Everyday I would laugh and smile, and it was all thanks to him. His sincerity was perfect. We would just sit there and stare into each others eyes, almost as if we were both getting lost in our very own utopia. The innocence constantly lingered in the air. A month went by, then two, three, four. The time just flew by, and you know what? I was happy. So, very, truly, happy. Little did I know this would soon come to an end.

Around the sixth month, our graceful kiss took place. I can still remember the exact feeling of this breath-taking moment. It was so unexpected, yet so perfect. Words can not possibly describe the way I felt, or the way he felt. I will not even attempt to describe it, for it would take up very many pieces of paper. Yes, this paper, that will soon transform into a disaster.

Why of course, a few more months went by. We were still perfect. Together we were unbreakable, strong, and mind-blowing. If there was a problem, we worked through it. This is where the story begins its tragedy. Malachi, that amazing, beautiful boy who made this possible, gave me news of heading to a military school for six months.

“Love,” he said. “this is just a test of our love, and I will never change.”
“Love,” I thought to myself. I was most certainly in love, and the feeling was mutual. He was trustworthy, honest, and sincere. That boy meant what he said. So what did I do? I waiting six long months for his return. It was six lonely months. Every night, the tears fell from my eyes like raindrops. Being without him was one of the most painful things I had ever done. It hurt, and there was no way I could change it. There was no way to make it better. I needed him. I needed him with me, to hug me, talk to me, hold me, and kiss me. I needed him to tell me everything would be okay. Everything was most definitely not okay. My heart ached for him, and patiently waited for his return. My heart would not go on without him. It wouldn’t lose hope.

It was June when he returned to me, and I was happier than Winnie-the-Pooh when he had honey in his possession. Of course, we had been “together” for a year now. This is the year I will never forget. A year full of good times and bad times. I had the idea that I was somehow stronger, almost as if the distance never meant a thing, and it was indeed a test.. I felt love again, and it was here to stay. Its friendly invitation was sent from his heart to mine. Everything was better than it ever had been. He was just as sweet as before. The passion of our love appeared like it would never die. Our love would last forever.

Well, guess what, I was wrong. Our love was coming to an end. A few months later, complications occurred. There was never any time for me, no matter how flexible I made my schedule. I would bend and fold my plans daily, just for a little chance to be able to spend some time with him, the love of my life. But no matter how hard I would try, it just wasn’t enough for him. I now wonder if he just didn’t want me anymore. His feelings appeared to be gone, and when I looked into his eyes, they were empty, just like my new broken heart. The love I once held on to so tightly had disappeared. Now here I am, just as broken as I once was, before I experienced this thing called love.

Understanding how it ended so quickly and effortlessly is way beyond my mind. I doubt that I will ever fully understand how something so amazing can turn into nothing in just a matter of a few months. I suppose that I couldn’t stop it, even if I tried to. Maybe it was just supposed to happen, yet I am fully aware that I will never be able to accept it. I still continue to wonder, and probably always will. Where did we go wrong? Was it me? Did one of us change? These questions taunt me daily, especially at night. When I go to sleep, I dream of him, or of us, how we used to be. The dreams cut pretty deep, and I believe that I am breaking my own heart by not just accepting and forgetting. That is something I will not do. Sure, it is one of the saddest events that had ever happened to me, but I refuse to forget. Maybe someday this will teach me a lesson. The wonders of what we could be today if we were still together linger in my head. My heart still aches, and my feelings have never changed.

I realize that I do not understand the concept of love, but this is how I feel. It taught me many lessons that I can keep with me throughout my life, and that is a fact. Love is blind, and can be dressed up into anything the human mind wants it to be. There are very many mixed signals when dealing with love, so it can be very confusing at times. It can be good, or bad. Love can change in a blink of an eye, no matter what someone wants. Simplicity doesn’t exist when love is present. As soon as that four letter word is thrown into a conversation, it instantly becomes more serious and complex. Another thing I learned is that if both people aren’t working and trying in a relationship, then it most likely won’t work. Love can also change the way a person looks at life. I know my whole point of view on the world changed completely, all thanks to being in love. I believe that love is not completely lost, just misplaced for now. But who knows, maybe in a few years my heart will be healed, and maybe I will be less confused by this emotion than I am right now. At this moment in my life, I will continue to keep all the vivid memories we made in the back of my mind. I know for certain that I am not ready to let go. We have many bridges to burn, but I don’t think I will set the first flame just yet. For now, I’ll remember the lessons I’ve learned, and hopefully someday break through the confusions of love.

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