or so i thought

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‘You have changed so very much and I hate it. I can’t stand the person you aare now. You used to be happy and crazy and fun to be around but now you are always sad or pissed or whatever you are now. I see you, the you I used to know, inside. I just want you to find yourself. Go back to the Cindy I knew and loved and cared about. I remember when we used to be Shedady, Shelbi, me, and you, and I want those days back. I miss the days when you and I would leave each other and a few seconds later we would text each other saying that we already missed each other. But most of all I miss the days when we would never worry about anything as long as we had each other.’

I wish she would just admit that she doesn’t like the person I am now. Instead of acting like I’m still the same person. Everyone can see that I’m not. And it feels like all she does is ignore me.

We don’t even say hi to each other anymore. I feel like we are enemies but that’s not how I want it to be. I want things to be the way we used to be. I have tried to go back to the way I used to be but I can’t. Too many things have happened that I can’t do that. I used to be able to shake things off but I can’t do that either. Now, when I look up and see her I see hurt and pain but worst of all I see memories. Memories that I cant bare to remember. Memories that I don’t want to remember because I’m afraid of what will happen. Afraid that if I remember how we used to be I might loose control of my feeling and break down and cry. I want to tell her that we aren’t the same, that we have drifted away, that we are no longer best friends. I want to tell her everything. I want to pour my heart out to her like we were still best friends but Im scared.

I’m scared of what she will say. Afraid that she will get mad at me for speaking my mind, afraid that she once again won’t accept me.

What would I do without her? She used to be my best friend. I trusted her with everything and I knew deep down inside that she would never tell anyone anything. She was always there for me. I believed that she would always be there for me forever and ever, believed that we would be best friends forever. But I was wrong. I think that I knew deep down inside that we wouldn’t last but I didn’t want to believe it. I always felt so free when I was with her, like I was on top of the world and nothing could bring me down. I just wish it was still like that. I wish that I could trust her again. Like I know I can but… not as much. Like I wish that I could run up to her and scream her name in a joking matter but I don’t really, truly know if I can anymore. I don’t know if I can do a lot of things anymore.
It feels like everything was just a joke. Like I just thought that everything was perfect but it really wasn’t. Like I was just a little loner that thought that I had a true friend but I knew it wasn’t true, I just didn’t want to believe it.





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