His name was Joshua Dylan. But we called him Josh, or even Jodopo because of his “gamer tag.” The first time I talked to him was the first time I was introduced and inducted into our friend group. We all live pretty far away from each other, so we talk and hang out in a group text/voice channel server on an app called discord (if you don’t know what that is). I was one of the original members added to the server almost a year ago, however, I was never active on it because I was too socially awkward to talk to all the new people constantly being added to the server. So, for six months I remained a quiet observer. Until the owner of the server, who is one of my good friends, crashed my call with another friend and basically forced us to be friendly and play Minecraft with the people I was scared to meet. Josh was one of them. I joined the game and he gave me supplies and the small group on the call quickly became good friends of mine. We all played together, I started to get to know and become a part of the core group within the server. I talked to them almost everyday. I talked to Josh almost everyday. We laughed, played games, cried, watched movies together and became dependent on each other. They’re some of my best friends. Josh and I were pretty close. He used to stream his gameplay publicly on Twitch, and I “convinced” him to make me a moderator for his stream chat so I could make sure people weren’t being toxic, but also be able to talk to him while he was playing. I would watch his streams and talk to him while he was live, and I was doing homework. We’d joke around, complain about school, I’d make fun of him for screwing up in the game, and he’d make fun of me for complaining about the ridiculously long anatomy assignments I was always working on. When we started up a new server in a game, he and a couple of our other friends had made a small business within the game and called it,”business is booming.” He had made the mistake of livestreaming this of course, me being the good friend and watching said stream, weaseled my way into the business. And it totally wasn’t by blackmailing them because I knew all their dirty little business secrets. Josh was the first person I saw and played with on the server. He gave me gear, showed me around, and we had a lot of fun together. We went exploring, gathered resources, and fought all the bad creatures of the world, all while making large, glass towers and constructing the business. There were several times where Josh has had to rescue me, or I’ve almost gotten him killed. In game of course. Like the time he had to rescue me from the top of the Nether (which is Minecraft’s own version of Hell), and I almost blew him up from trying to jump on a bed and clicking on it. If that doesn’t make sense to you, then in minecraft you place down a bed, and then click on it to sleep. However in the Nether, you can’t sleep so when you click on a bed, it just explodes. So imagine our shock and fear of us nearly dying after all the effort to help me out, and then dying because I misclicked a bed. It was actually pretty funny at the time, and we were both so confused at what was happening we just couldn’t stop laughing. Everyone in our friend group enjoyed playing with each other and messing around with each other in game, and even just talking. For around six months the group was great, and we all kind of just vibed with each other. I noticed Josh started going more and more downhill around three months ago. We all knew Josh was depressed, at least, everyone in the core part of the group did, the ones who were practically inseparable and constantly talking to each other. We all just supported each other when times were rough, and with Joshua it was no different. But Josh would start to post and say more and more things that were out of the ordinary from when I had first met him, he was acting off from the normal Jodopo we all knew and loved. He started to post some cryptic and even sometimes scary messages, typically saying just, “I’m sorry,” or, “I don’t know why I do this,” or more. I would try to reply asking what he was sorry about and why, but he would always just reply with the same thing, “I’m sorry.” I tried everything to get an answer out of him, forgiving him, asking him questions, apologizing back, but nothing worked. And Josh, I am genuinely sorry it didn’t work, because I wish I had gotten through to you. He started posting more serious things explaining why he hated himself, and how life sucked. We all would try to console him but he would deny it and push us aside. He would block us for periods of time, leave the group messages and not join calls for extended periods of time. But this eventually became normal. So the next best option for us was to move on and keep going on having fun with each other and being happy. So I started to ignore his posts, rants, and apologies, seeing them as nothing that could lead up to what would happen, seeing them as the new normal and everything was fine. That was a mistake, and Joshua I’m so sorry I ignored your cries for help. I’m so sorry that we didn’t try harder to get you the help you deserved and needed. It was the biggest mistake we could’ve made. Wednesday night, or 4/14/2021, I had the night off of dance because my teacher had to quarantine due to, of course, Covid. So like usual, I joined a call with the business boys (as they called themselves) and did homework while they were playing a game. They were all laughing and yelling at each other, and I would laugh along with them and make fun of their gameplay. It seems so strange to have just heard him laughing and talking the night before. And then the next day just to have him gone. I’m sorry the laughter couldn’t distract you from the pain you were experiencing within yourself. I’m sorry that I hadn’t done more to help you be happier with your life. I’m sorry that you had to leave your friends, and family, our family, so soon because of your own internal battle. When I first heard about your death, I was in the last 10 minutes of my last class. I didn’t quite understand what was going on as I scrolled through the small group chat that had originally found out and tried to keep you with us. They said to look at what you posted and I saw a picture of you smiling, saying “today is the day I’ve been waiting for for a while.” And thanking everyone for loving and supporting you, but you aren’t happy. I then saw a screen recording of my friend’s texts with your dad, telling him we were worried about you. He responded by saying your mom called him hysterical, and that he thinks something had happened to you. A couple hours later we had gotten the confirmation. We had been told that you took your mom’s boyfriend’s gun, and shot yourself in the head. I hope it was painless. Jodopo I hope you’re happier now than you could’ve been in life. However, I’m sorry we couldn’t get to you sooner, couldn’t get to you fast enough. I’m sorry that I couldn’t meet you face to face like we planned this summer. I’m sorry that we didn’t take your warnings and cries to heart, and now you’re gone. I’m sorry you never got to learn to drive, go to prom, graduate, go to your dream college. I’m sorry you missed out on meeting the love of your life, and settling down to start a family of your own. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when I should’ve been. I’m sorry I didn’t respond when you asked to talk to anyone for a final time. I’m sorry you felt that this world was too horrible for you to live in. You were too good for this world Josh. You were too pure and good to live in this world full of hate and stress. I’m sorry I’m selfish, and I wish I could’ve kept you here and kept you from suffering. I’m sorry for being angry and upset that you’re gone. I wish I could’ve kept you here and tried to get you the help you deserved. I’m sorry that you have to be missed. I’m sorry that you felt you had to leave. I’m sorry I have to miss you. Rest in peace Joshua Dylan, April 15th, 2021.