I feel the sweet touch of the tall grass on my knees and I touch each flower I see, slowly and softly. I can’t stop thinking about her. As I said on my journal before thanksgiving dinner, I am always so attracted to what I cannot have. I have hope though. Hope that one day she will become mine. I follow her like a lost puppy wherever she goes, but when her boyfriend appears suddenly a feeling inside of me starts telling me to stop. That what I am doing is wrong. When I am at the boy’s dorm, I watch her from the window of the lounge and through the thing glass I can only see beauty. Her long brown hair and juvenile legs make my body shake. I don’t know what to do. I have asked my friends for help and all they have told me is to forget about her and keep living my life. It is so hard to sit next to her in class, looking at her knowing that she is ignorant of the feelings I have for her. I would give everything for being with her. This is more than just a sexual attraction. Just a touch of her would make my world such a brighter and nicer place.
There is nothing sweeter than her smile, nothing more beautiful than her eyes and nothing more I want in life than her love. As I keep torturing myself with thoughts of an impossible love, the world around me starts to darkens and the little happiness left starts banishing in front of my eyes. In the tall, green pines I look for refuge, a quiet place where I can write to her before tears start escaping the walls of my dark eyes, feeling the cold of the wind and hearing the trucks full of corn passing by. The squirrels, unafraid of humans now, are my only company under the dark of the sky full of stars.
Suddenly one day I heard that she broke up with her boyfriend. I was doing crew with her and I could see the sadness in her eyes. The thought of taking advantage of her situation never passed my mind, but seeing her sad made me sad so I tried to talk to her and make her feel better. I had just broken up with my girlfriend so I knew how she was feeling. I thought that I could help her. But she showed me that it was me the one who needed more help; her help.
I asked her if she would like to go on a walk with me to the soccer field, a place calm where we could talk calmly. She agreed and as we walked she told me her situation with her ex and why they broke up. She apologized because she started crying and I told her it was fine. At that moment I just wanted to hold her, kiss her and tell her everything was going to be fine. When we reached the soccer field we lay down at the uncut grass that was full of beautiful tiny, yellow flowers. We talked about our feelings and suddenly a really strong chemistry was in the air. A mutual desire was felt by both of us. I could feel it and I could see it in her eyes as well. We started talking about us and why we were not together. We talked about us for the first time, Sydney and me… My heart started accelerating and my hands started shaking when suddenly she told me softly with her beautiful, angelical voice, “Kiss me”. The moment our lips touched I was teleported to a place of infinite sensations. The earth below us felt like shaking and time stopped for an instant as our souls connected as one. That moment I knew dreams can become true. Impossible is inexistent, when it comes to true love. This is the best memory I have of a place that filled my heart with pain and hate. For this I will always be thankful to G-d.