The Secrets That I Keep - 5

By , Fort Wayne, IN
“No… No, no, no, no, no… what do you mean?” My head was on full throb from the excessive crying. “No, no, no, God, no…” Jonny held my hands tight to his chest. How could he? After all I’ve done?

“Her name is Ravyn…” Nope, can’t hear you… I’m not listening… lalalalalalala… “I’m sorry Jay.”

“Sorry? How can you be sorry?” Tears flushed down my cheeks in a steady stream. People were sorry for breaking someone’s iPod, or for accidentally dying their dog pink dumping Kool-Aid on them, or even for cussing them out. No one was sorry for cheating on their faithful girlfriend with a hooker from a strip club and then telling the girlfriend about it. “You had no right! I have always been here, I’ve done everything I could possibly think of for you… why her!?”

“It just happened Skye, I swear I didn’t mean for it to…”

“I don’t wanna hear it, you’re as bad as Erik.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted them, but I didn’t have long to feel contrite. I felt Jonny’s hand before I even saw it move. It struck the side of my face with such force, my head twisted painfully to the left and my right cheek went up in flames. For a moment, time stopped; I felt my heart beating my ears, my hair growing, and tears forming in my eyes. Jonny stood rigid with his hand raised, looked at my face, then at his own hand. Slowly, his hand lowered, and I began to back away.

“No… please, Skye… don’t do that…” I couldn’t help it. All those years of torture by my mother’s fist, my father’s belt, Bill’s everything, not Jonny too. God… not Jonny too. I involuntarily took another step backwards, fighting the urge to flee. But I wouldn’t let him any closer. I didn’t want him with in touching distance again. Licking my lips, I tasted copper; my mouth was bleeding! Why!? He was the one that dried my tears and bandaged my wounds, not put them there himself. No way could I stay there; I turned heel and fled through his front door, letting the screen slam behind me. Rocks shredded my bare toes and the cold wind whipped around my arms. Who could feel anything though, right after they’d been betrayed?

I ran until I reached my sacred place, my haven, where I dropped. The tears were a steady stream at this point, and there was no stemming the flow. I just let them fall. It’s not like I could’ve stopped them anyways.

October 11, 2008

Dear Journal,

My sorrow is beyond compare. This is my last entry, because what need is there to write when the one I wrote for and about is gone? I knew it was going to happen, I just didn’t know it was coming so soon. Jonny didn’t want to be alive anymore, and yes, I can freely write his name now, I’m putting you into hiding. I knew about the pact between Erik and him, I guess I had just hoped they had forgotten. Journal, three days ago, Jonny died through the hands of his brother in a contract assisted suicide. His death was quick and painless for him, but entirely earth-shattering for me. I have spent the last three days in his apartment, stemming the flow of hatred, anger, sadness, guilt, and overwhelming pain, so that I might pull myself together enough that I can get up and move again. Three days ago, Journal, was our anniversary. And in the years to come, it will always serve as a reminder to everything I lost. I don’t know when his funeral is, I have been disallowed from attending. But Journal, the secrets I will always carry should never be a woman’s burden to carry alone. And now it is I who long to die. I love him forever Journal. Thank you for the memories.

Love,

S





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