Praying in the Pizza Shop

February 19, 2012
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Let me be the first to tell you I’m not religious. I’m not atheist, Christian, Jewish, Muslim or anything; I’m more agnostic. So when I drew a cross on the pizza bar the two of us were sitting at, I was desperate to feel certainty that there was something bigger or more important in this universe that was looking after me; something I could hold onto. I didn’t have that.

When I passed you that book of all my writing, I was basically standing naked in front of a crowd, or giving you a key to every shameful feeling in my soul. You’d read my book before, but today was different: Today was the day I was single for the first time in a long time. Today was the day after my complete melt down in my counselor’s office, where she’d almost put me in the hospital. Today was the day I completely questioned who I was and if I had any talent at all.

I don’t know how after three weeks or so, we’d become close. You shouldn’t have been allowed to read my book yet, or know about all this s*** that’s going on. But you do; and I don’t know why I told you so much. `Greta that’s beautiful`- I was always a little skeptical whenever you had complimented me. `Really?` I queried, as if that would change your answer. "Really" you’d assured. I’d smile a little, and I’m sure I blushed.

"Hey, I want to burn some change, what do you want?" You offered. "What ever you had was good, but more cheese." I accepted. We walked to the counter. "Oh crap! My mom is coming soon and she hates when I have junk food!" "It’s ok,” you said conspiratorially, “we can share it." You put your change on the counter.

"You were in a dream I had last night," I blurted out. "Really? What was it?"
"Well, it was me, high up in this tree in the summer time. I was wearing this white dress, and my hair was long, half way down my back, like it was before I cut it. So, I’m up in this tree, and you and Nathan come along and I ask what you guys are doing. You say you guys have written a song about me and want me to hear it. So you both start playing it but I get embarrassed and turn into a bird and fly away. You both were calling me back when I woke up."

"That’s an awesome dream!" We smiled at each other; you broadly and me shyly. "You want the last bite?" I shook my head. I’d never been shy around you, but I was today. I was feeling so vulnerable and stupid. I just put my head down and felt ashamed. With my head down I whispered "I have to go" and picked up my bag to leave. "Wait, Greta" I turned to look at you.

You came up and hugged me; and with your arms around me, I let you make sure I was ok. I needed this hug. It felt like it lasted forever. But here I am, meaning it wasn't forever, meaning eventually my mom picked me up. When I got home though, for the first time in my life, to no one in particular, I prayed.

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millipede said...
Feb. 23, 2012 at 7:31 pm

The way that you describe your feelings is phoenomenal. :) 

It's a wonderful piece. 

spirahemmanuelle said...
Feb. 23, 2012 at 11:54 am
beautiful :)
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