Just One Question

January 29, 2012
By jollygnt7 BRONZE, Glastonbury, Connecticut
jollygnt7 BRONZE, Glastonbury, Connecticut
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on so long in the first place - Jared Leto

Remember that time you kissed my forehead and told me that everything would be ok? Or when I cried on your shoulder? I remember. Do you?
Do you remember when I tried to arm wrestle you? Or when you taught me how to ride your dirt bike?
I remember. I remember your laugh, loud and annoying; a forte to my high-pitched giggling.
I remember telling you all my secrets.
You listened, and told me yours. You told me I’m beautiful.
Don’t you remember when you told me those things?
You told me that you loved me? So why did you go away?
I remember not believing you, the things you said. Betrayed before, I put up a wall in our relationship.
You cried.
The wall crumbled. I began to trust you; I gave my all to you. You told me you loved me. I loved you too. I told you about him. You wanted to kill him.
We did it all;
We did everything together.
We did it because we love each other, right?
Where are you now? How could you? I thought you loved me. You wanted to take me out for my birthday. We were supposed to spend the weekend together. We were going to spend Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and New Year’s together. You told me I could live with you when I came home from college. You told me that college wouldn’t change anything.
So what did?
You told me that you aren’t that kind of guy.
Then what are you? I wish I could hate you, but at the same time, I don’t. I could never hate you.
I was so happy with you.
What are you thinking? What are you feeling? Do you miss me?
Did you ever love me?
“I think we should just be friends.”
Just one question, darling.
Did you EVER love me?
“I’ll talk to you someday.”
You told me that I wouldn’t f*** ‘us’ up. Then why did you leave me? And why do you insist on being friends yet you refuse to speak to me?
Are you really going to let this go? Let us go? You told me you’d never felt ‘this way’ about a girl before. I told you I have trust issues. And as soon as I trusted you completely, you were gone.
Were we really just a summer fling?
You told me you’d love me forever; I guess you meant just for now; so I guess I’ll just forget about it.
But I don’t want to forget. I don’t ever want to forget you, or about you, or any of my memories of you. I don’t want to forget you because you complete me. You were perfect. You are perfect.
You’re perfect for me.
No, you’re perfect for me.
No, you are.
No, you.
My mind is racing, flying, spinning, jumping from thought to thought to thought. I jump from sadness and longing to be with you (but would it be the same?), to bargaining: Did someone put you up to this? We were so happy together. I was so happy. And you were happy. What am I missing?
I hate everything you’ve done to me. Everything you swore was the truth. So why do I still love you?
I know there’s another side of you that I’ve got to find. This isn’t all in my mind. You could be the one. I could be the one. I wonder what you’re doing, or where you are. Why’d you have to take it all away? When you shoved it in my face? I am lost without you.
Yes, I’m messed up. But you knew that. I warned you that. And you told me it didn’t matter. You told me that you loved me anyways. That I was perfect the way I am. I had the worst self-confidence, until I met you. You were the paramount reason I had been able to move forward out of my depression so easily. You were always there; always ready to catch me when I fell.
You were my best friend.
Now I’ve got nobody,
nobody to talk to
nobody to wipe away my tears
nobody to warm my heart with their warm brown eyes
nobody to hold me tight and tell me that it’ll all be okay.
How am I supposed to find somebody that will listen to me like you did? It’s impossible. Because nobody is like you. Nobody can heal my wounds like you can. I don’t think anyone will be able to heal my wounds now. Because you made them.
Where are you? Where is that guy that broke the bricks in the wall, and put forward an outstretched hand? Where is the guy that melted me to pieces with the twinkle in the corner of his eyes? Where did he go? Was he ever there? Where is the amazing guy that I fell in love with?
I thought you’d be easy to get over. I rarely see you; it was going to be easy. Reality is ruthless. Not seeing you or speaking to you is so much harder than I thought it would be. If I saw you all the time, I would be forced to feel the pain and I would be forced to get over you. . . but probably not, because it’s been nearly six months and I’m still not over you, not over us.
I would rather be existent to you, as a friend, than invisible as I am today. Weird, you told her. Weird? For three months you and I, we were forever, or so I thought. And you thought I was weird? I guess you were that type of guy you demanded you weren’t.
There’s a saying that goes, “Never give up on something you can’t stop thinking about.”
I can’t stop thinking about you.
Can you stop thinking about me?
Or have you already forgotten me?
Was everything we had, everything we were, everything we said and did; was it all a lie? If it was, it was beautiful. And if it wasn’t a lie, please tell me. Tell me what you’re feelings are. Tell me. All I takes is a phone call, or a text message. Just an apology. For doing exactly what you said you would never do to me.
I promise I will never hurt you.
Well congratulations bud. You broke your promise.
I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be so cold.
I want to say so much to you.
But I get so angered, so upset that this nasty side of me comes out in defense of my ever beating heart.
It was you and me this past summer. We didn’t have much time together so we moved faster than we should have, but we were happy. We didn’t have much time so we didn’t waste it, finding all those places we went together.
I be t you wish you had me back, another chance to get it just like that.
I guess I thought it would last forever, just like you said it would.
I remember the way you taste; I remember the way you smell. I remember the way your hands felt in mine. I remember your warmth.
Do you remember me like I remember you?
Or am I already forgotten?
I don’t want to get over you.
I still love you too much.
I’m slipping.
I’m falling, back into that state of depression I had before I met you.
I was so happy.
So tell me, darling, did you ever love me? Or was it all just a game you knew you would win?
Why’d you have to go and crush me?
I was so good to you.
You were always so good to me.
I don’t get it.
I’ll never get it.
I love you.
I miss you.
I want you.
I need you in my life.
You may not need me.
But I need you.
Please don’t make me have to give up on you;
I’ll give up on myself.

The author's comments:
I hae always struggled with depression, and trusting people. This is about a past relationship. I'm still stuck on it, but writing about my feelings really helps.

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