Learning to love isn't easy. Learning to trust is way too hard. Falling in love is too easy. Trust is often given away to quickly. It takes those tiny steps to learn the right way; the right path to take. Baby steps. I fall in love way too fast. I trust to quick. I wear my heart on my sleeve like a fool, but only a fool learns from their mistakes. I hate the fact that I'm so trusting, that I care too much. Sacrifice is my middle name. I'd give everything and anything. I took my baby steps in the beginning because I didn't want to break, like a porcelain doll. I didn't want to wilt with sadness, like a dehydrated rose. Love deflates me. What is the point, I ask myself, to love and trust? Wouldn't it be easier to be cold and mean? Not to care? It would be easier, but is that a life worth living. I was scared to go on. To try again. So scared, afraid I might be rejected again, sent home to wallow in my tears, eat away the pain, stuffing my face with chocolate ice cream and caramel turtles. Fudge brownies and chocolate chip cookies. Pure bliss. Peace. If only love and trust could be so easy. I know even now, as I write this, just explaining why I'm so lost, I know I can't trust him, the one I'm falling for. Baby steps, I must take, to fulfill the path I am walking. Baby steps, make life bearable, just for the day. An hour of peace, where my thoughts don't bother me, where life is put on hold, just so I can smile. Baby steps help me see who I really am, what I really feel. Little by little, I try to relearn the steps I must take, like a child who learns to crawl then walk. Hoping one day I might be able to stand up on my two feet, not a stumble here or there, and run into the arms of the one I love and trust that they'll be the one to catch me if I fall.
April 4, 2011