Everything I want, Everything I wanted: Mama Rosa

September 20, 2010
By , Spring Hill, FL
Have YOU ever met someone, who made you feel like you are worth somthing, made you finally feel whole, who acted as a role model, a mom, and then had to let go, and maybe even never see them again? This happened to me, with Mama Rosa, a tech in a mental health facility.
This whole thing started one day when she threw a superbowl party. After we'd all been fed (by her) I got tired, hung myself with a sheet, wrote Ms. Rosa hates my guts on my wall, and then Mama Rosa came and saw what I was doing. It didn't bother me that she told (threatened) me that I would not be part of the party next time. THAT didn't even phase me. I looked up, and saw the upset look she hadon her face. I began to feel really bad about what I had done. She had done, like, alot for me, I was being disrespectful. Let's just say I lost alot of respect for myself that day. I wanted some way to pay her back for what I did. BIG MISTAKE. I gave her all I had: Myself. The next few months were really hard. I guess it's supposed to be hard trying to give any adult everything they want from you.At this time, I didn't care. All I wanted was to Make her happy. Didn't realize I was ripping my heart apart. It would hurt when Mama Rosa would work with the little kids, Sometimes I felt like she hated me. I kept on holding on To her rope, which was kind of like a string of really thin paper. Kind of like that stuff that you put in gift bags. I remember thinking, Okay, she wants me to exercise, I hate all sports, But it will end for the day, and she'll be happy with it (at least for a little while) so I tried my best to accomplish everything she wanted me to do, only ending when I knew I couldn't take it anymore. One day she wanted everyone to sing 12 days of christmas. Everyone else argued. I just didn't want her to leave. I sang my part. She seemed to like it. No one else knew the rythm of the song but me and her, knowing she didn't like to sing, I showed everyone else. I didn't Know she would be my idol. I didn't think Of how it would feel when it's over. All I knew was her laugh, her personality, the way she made me feel, her compassion, I couldn't let go. She was like my drug, and I was addicted. I wrote poems about Mama Rosa. She had become the center of my universe. I remember how it felt when I couldn't be with her. I couldn't stop crying. I had no strength. I felt like my world was tearing apart. The depression of going to the ranch was worse than anything that ever happened in my entire life. I got bacheracted, and the first day at lifestream hospital, I cried for 4-5 hours straight. When I got back to the ranch, the depression took over. I couldn't eat because I was too depressed. I couldn't sleep because I was too hungry. Every day I woke up, thinking, another day closer to my death, because if Mama Rosa wasn't present in my life, That's what I wanted: TO DIE. I took a knife one day, because I was tired of waiting for god. I planned to end my life. First, I tried stabbing myself, but the knife broke. then, I cut myself in the heart, and all around my neck. when my parents asked me why, I knew this could get me out. I stared crying, and tried to tremble a little bit. I lied and said, This home is making me insane. I tried to kill myself. The truth was, I couldn't call anyone, so i wanted to go home and call Mama Rosa. My parents tried to scare me stateing that if I called her, I might go to jail, or somthing else really bad might happen. Then, One day, I knew I couldn't live my life without Mama Rosa. I had to call. I screamed, let out pain, The sore aches I was going through,Everylthing. I couldn't keep everything in. I tried to explain how It hurt, How nothing seemed to matter. Still, nothing matters. When I hugged her my last day there, I wanted To never let go. I was scared. For so long, she acted like a mom. She said stuff you would only hear from a mom, like, go lay on your bed and think about what you did. I didn't get mad When she told me to write, " I will not hurt myself when mama Rosa is not here (x 200)". I knew she was doing this to help me. Everything I hated to do that she wanted me to do was to help me, to make me stronger. I went through a lot. I'm still hurt. It still hurts a lot knowing I can't see her. I'm only able to call once a week. I spend all the other hours and days crying, bleeding, and wishing I was still in the hospital with her. She was and still is, My Mama, my role model, my hero.





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