Meds are not fun to deal with, especially when there are unwanted side effects. It can be hard to find the right dosage or even the right medication itself.  When I first got on meds for depression, I was prescribed Zoloft. The zoloft worked for the first little while, but then it stopped. We went back in to see the doctor, and he increased my dosage. It didn't take long for me to notice some very undesirable side effects that accompanied the higher dosage. Whenever i took my meds, i would get stomach cramps and… well, diarrhea. I could tell it was the meds because on the nights I didn't take them because I forgot, I didn't have any problems. So back to the doctor we went. I was prescribed 20 mg of Prozac, which is the most prescribed antidepressant out there.

I stayed on that dosage of Prozac for probably over a year. During that time, I was seeing a psychiatrist who put me on Abilify as well. Near the end, the prozac no longer helped and i started seeing and hearing things more often.

When I got admitted to the hospital, they put me on so many meds I lost count. They increased my Prozac to 40 mg, and put me on Risperidone, Trazodone, Prazosin, and Gabapentin. I basically slept the entire time i was in the hospital, because the gabapentin is more of a sedative than it is to treat anxiety. I had to take two tablets of Gabapentin three times a day, even after i got out of the hospital. Because it made me so tired, I slept most of the time in school when i got back. I'm off the gabapentin now. Recently my prozac wasn't working, so now i'm up to 60 mg of that.

I understand why taking them is so important; it treats my illnesses and helps me live a more enjoyable life.
But I really hate taking them. I really, really hate it. I hate the feeling of the pill sliding down my throat and I hate how they dissolve on my tongue if I don't swallow them fast enough and I hate how I have to depend on them just to feel okay. It's a frustrating place to be in. Sometimes it feels like my happiness is artificial. I know if I wasn't on meds at this moment, i wouldn't feel as good as I do.

It feels a bit like an addiction. I have to take these pills to make me feel good, and if i'm not taking them i get really depressed or have psychotic episodes.

THere was a time where i stopped taking my meds. I was sick of relying on them, and i thought i didn't deserve to be happy unless it was on my own. That lasted a few weeks before i realized that feeling okay on meds is so much better than feeling crappy and depressed off of meds. I was also told that although prozac can help with hallucinations, if you stop taking prozac suddenly after being on it for a while, it can worsen the hallucinations and even cause seizures.

Medication can really suck. You've got all these potential side effects that create more problems than they solve. Half of my meds side effects include thoughts of suicide, which is frustrating because one of the reasons I'm on the meds in the first place is to get rid of those thoughts.

Despite all this, though, I’m really glad we have the technology to be able to have these life saving medications available. I can't imagine not being able to have that as a resource to help me overcome my mental illnesses. It can be hard to take meds, it can be frustrating, but it's worth it to help people live better lives. Feeling okay is always better than feeling like crap.

For the longest time, I had forgotten what it felt like to want to live. My medication has helped me on the journey to recovery (That I’m still currently on) and to getting my life back from depression, anxiety, and schizophrenia. I still have my bad days. The meds don't fix it, they make it more bearable.

I have a love hate relationship with my meds, but i wouldn't be able to feel as good as i do without them. So i'm grateful that i have that available to me.