High School Girls: Picked Apart and Classified

December 2, 2011
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Who run the world? Girls. Beyoncé said it best; however, what she failed to specify is the type of girls that “run the world.” One may read such a sentence and ponder, “what exactly does that mean? Are not all girls the same? They all lack the ability to, ahem, tinkle standing, or has my presumptuous thinking wronged me?” Well, there are several different categories in which every member of the superior sex can be placed. Furthermore, this implies that your “Jamaican me crazy,” line perhaps, will not work on that girl who actually holds an ounce of intelligence. However, I would recommend trying that line on that girl who is desperate enough to date that weird guy in your math class who smells oddly like cheese. At the end of the day, girls can be quickly picked and placed into these various groups, many times at first sight they can be classified into, particularly when they are between the ages of 12 and 17. Between these ages, girls can be organized as follows: cake faces, socially awkward, annoyingly overachieving and the athletic beefcakes.
To begin, there are the girls figuratively smothered in frosting, sprinkles and terrible tasting candies: the Cake-face. As the term suggests, they quite literally have a cake on their faces; a cake of more makeup than there is at Sephora and ULTA combined. They have a tendency, like the sunrise-cotton-candy blush they wear, to be dramatic. Their whole lives are one giant freakin’ hyperbole. To wholly understand the world of the common high school Cake-face, one must delve into their lack of mind. While their attitudes vary, they all have a similar wave-length. They cannot form a complete thought or a coherent sentence without the use of ‘um’ or ‘like.’ And on a final note, considering men are at the same level of intelligence as the common Cake-face, let this serve as a quick guide to any who dare to date one: she does NOT really look like that. This is a warning, on your wedding night, after she washes her face off, you will be in for the fright of your life.
Of course, there are other girls weaving their way through the torturous time known as high school, and another category of girls remain confused and lost until the day they graduate: the socially awkward. Commonly shortened into the Soc-Awk, these girls are always unsure of if it is acceptable for someone of their status to laugh at the popular guy’s joke, of where to sit at football games and are deathly afraid to ask questions in class due to their irrational fear that their peers will ostracize, mock and ridicule them for all of eternity if their questions are stupid. Other characteristics of these youngsters are not as amusing; they have a tendency to spout absolute crap. This is because a girl of this popularity standing craves nothing more in life than to go to a party with the popular harlot and to achieve this, they are willing to undermine and spread total lies. If someone higher in the social ladder is within a 10 foot radius, a Soc-Awk will, after much deliberation and planning in her head, beckon her over and tell her what she has heard (occasionally made up), with much flourishing, in hopes of peaking her interest and sparking a conversation. Sometimes their aspirations are achieved and they are invited to that super cool party where they play beer pong. Nevertheless, on the off chance that this does occur, the Soc-Awk returns to the comfort of her uncomfortable nothingness, curling up on the couch at such an event as the natives of that environment whoosh around her, leaving her to realize that the grass is not always greener on the lawn covered in disposable red cups and the air is not fresher in the air filled with marijuana, cigarettes and hookah.
Another category that girls in high school fit into is the Annoyingly overAchieving. Shortened into AA, they are similar to Alcoholics Anonymous because they have a serious problem. They are perfectionists to an extent where they literally breathe down your neck and begin frothing at the mouth and hyperventilate if something is not done their way. They have a propensity to, as their title states, annoy the people around them. However, it is not a petty annoyance like a fly, it is an annoyance like a swarm of flies, determined to have more fly babies in your hair. They are the first to condemn other girls for what they do and blissfully ignore their own faults. Many AAs choose to keep the persona of the perfect angel when that is the biggest of the lies on this side of the universe. Another aspect of their personality is that they always have something to add. It does not matter if you are talking about the time that you were making a sandwich and a bear came in and stole it after smothering your face with mayonnaise, she will somehow have a story that relates because the AA has the inability to shut her mouth for even two minutes.
Finally there is the girl that plays soccer, softball, volleyball and basketball: the athletic beefcake. They are hardly ever manly, but once in a blue moon, there is a manly beefcake. Their biggest problem is their confidence, which is on steroids. They actually believe that they can take practically everyone. Butchies, as they are referred to, are ready to pick a fight with anyone. Not directly, though. They talk enough smack to severely injure a large, burly man but never act on their words. They also often emphasize the number of sports they play because everybody in their presence should just awe and marvel at their sportive capabilities. Butchies are also competitive to a near terrifying extent and more than anything hate to lose at anything. All the sweating has permanently damaged their heads and they know longer can register or make sense of the term “friendly competition.”
High school is a catch-22 for girls, impossible to win. Even if a girl does none of this and considers herself normal, she should realize that she is wrong. It is scientifically impossible for a girl not to be one of the above, if not a strange, unholy combination of all of them. What this means, is that every girl, yes, your mother included, can be chopped into little pieces (figuratively, of course) and fit into female stereotype, whether she admits it or not. Now, mind you, the validity of this paper is unquestionable; however, the intensity to which women fit into these categories fades over time and it has been scientifically proven that that is due to the decrease of imbecilic simpleton boys and the completion of the process known as maturing. For girls, as much and as vehemently as they deny it, for the most part, maturing has yet to take place in the four (occasionally five) years spent in the jungle known as “High School.” Instead, girls spend their teenaged days hating and viciously attacking other women behind their backs, oblivious that they actually possess many of the traits they mock. However, as they get older, these terribly perplexed girls find themselves. The Cake-face tones down the makeup, the Soc-Awk gains some confidence and AA stop to smell the flowers and the Butchies come to the conclusion that life is not a race and the days of high school fall back into a memory that they try hard to forget.





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