How to be the typical, modern-day high school student

December 13, 2011
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Whether or not you have just graduated—sorry, promoted—from middle school or the weird Ele-Middle school, you are about to embark in an adventure that is new and mysterious to anyone who have not wandered the halls of your average day high school. Sure, stories have been shared; there are the infamous ones where the freshmen are pulverized on a daily basis by the upperclassmen—you have been told numerous times that this is false. Or perhaps your older sibling has egged on the idea by threatening to throw you into a trash can face first. Either way, you have heard the tale. And of course then there is the cliché introduction where you enter into the “best four years of your life” as soon as you step inside the bounds of high school with all its glory and high fences. Could it possibly be true? Being thrown into the trash will make one of my best days…ever? That thought must be running through your mind, along with several others: Will I make friends? What happens if I hate my teachers? What if I can’t handle a class?

This how-to/survival guide is specifically engineered to prepare the average teenager for the typical, modern day high school adventure. A warning to the wise, this guide not only tells you what it takes, but how you must change yourself entirely to fit in. Do not hesitate, who you used to be is no longer important. Time is of the essence and your future, arrogant self is waiting for you.
You must dress “cool”
You must be thinking no way. This cannot be right. Dress cool? Who says that anymore? Well, I do. If you want to be cool, you have to dress cool. It’s a simple equation: attire is equal to degree of coolness. Your next question should be: What should I wear? I will juxtapose what girls should wear and what the guys should wear below.
Girls. Wear something revealing. You want to wear a short skirt that defies the dress code by at least several inches. The guys will like it and that’s all that matters. As for your shirts, show some skin! Show off those tan shoulders and neon-bright bra straps! Those aren’t meant to be concealed like your parents have taught you. It’s really all in the marketing. Those brightly-colored, pattern-imprinted bras are meant to be shown. And really, it’s obvious, who wouldn’t want to show them off? As for shoes, they’re not as important. As long as they complement your attire they’re fine.
Guys. There are two styles that you can pick from. In the first one the most important thing to do is to sag your pants. Most of you may be wondering why, and I don’t blame you. Why would appearing as if you had absolutely no knowledge of wearing a belt be considered “in style?” Nobody really knows. By the way, if you’re going to sag your pants, keep in mind that you must have nicely decorated boxers on display for the whole world to see. It goes without saying that bright, yellow SpongeBob boxers are meant to be shown, not concealed. The second option is to color coordinate to an extreme. You should always start with the shoes. Are your shoes purple and black? If so, dress accordingly: black, long socks, black shorts, purple shirt, and topped with a black and purple hat. This outfit says, “Hey ladies, you think I can’t match my own clothes? Well, look at me now!”
Never blame yourself, but always complain
You’re in high school, which means you’re taking around six classes. And, let’s be honest, none of your teachers care about that. No worries, there’s no need to trouble yourself with that. This simple fact garners several excuses to not do your homework. So what if you had nothing better to do that day? And honestly, who would choose homework over TV, video games, and friends? No one, so don’t worry about it. So what if that was your only homework assignment that night and it was assigned a week and a half ago? Your teacher doesn’t know that. The point is that it’s never your fault. It is, however, your teacher’s fault. They are the ones who assigned the homework in the first place. How selfish of them not taking into consideration your precious free time.
The most important thing to remember when you’re complaining is that it must be done through a social networking site. In our current cycle this networking site is known as Facebook. In order to effectively complain about your grueling high school life you’re going to need an account. With an account comes responsibility, and thus, several rules to follow: 1) update your status all the time, 2) your statuses must be of no importance and should be, well, complaining about something, 3) upload a million and one pictures of yourself and of roughly the same exact thing (people just can’t get enough of you and your fishy face), and 4) blame people for your troubles incessantly. I’ll give an example:
You have a test tomorrow in your first hour psychology class. Instead of studying once you get home, you have a movie marathon with your sister and best friend. You go to bed no earlier than two A.M. in the morning and consequently sleep in, thus eliminating any predestinated time to study. You go to school and take the test and fail without question.

Failing the test is not your fault. Your teacher was the one who gave out the test without making sure it was okay with you first. It’s not like they told you about it ahead of time or anything. To fully make known your disgruntlement, post a rant as your status on Facebook blaming your “stupid” teacher for “ruining” your life.
Drama, drama, drama

There really is no high school experience without some thought-provoking drama. It brings out the best in people. I don’t know what others have told you, but you really do see people’s shining attributes when they are engulfed in their own egocentric ways. First things first, you need to start your own drama. It requires a lot of talent to make something astronomical out of absolutely nothing.

Drama means nothing, however, if it is not between good relationships. Ergo, start a nonsensical fight with your best friend or significant other! All you need to do is accuse them of something outrageous (and for the most part incorrect) and battle with all you have! You’re not supposed to pay attention in school, so go ahead and put all your attention and effort into this particular bout of idiocy and prolong it as long as possible so that it emotionally drains everyone involved—and even those who aren’t.

The final step to all of the drama in high school is resolution. This may result in lasting grudges or your friendship returned to a semi-normal, but still volatile state. The resolution is supposed to be dramatic, either you say spiteful words and walk away from each other without a backwards glance or have a hugging and crying session where everything goes back to being perfect. If you and your friend make up you must remember to never admit that you did anything wrong, just restate it in a far more positive manner. In the end you’re either not talking at all or you and your friend get on with your day hand in hand and everyone else gets back to their lives.

This is all I have to offer, but it should be more than enough. If you follow this guide you will be successful in high school and have plenty of friends (and enemies), several fun endeavors (accompanied with failing grades), and the perfect style to emphasize your personality (unoriginal).
Or you could just be yourself and not become another victim of society. It’s up to you.

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