How to Train Your Friends

June 2, 2017

Disclaimer: This article is completely fictional. Don't try this at home. It's just a prank, bro… Please don't sue me…

My View On Life
People (friends) can be manipulated, you just have to pull the right strings. Follow these quick and easy steps to become the control enthusiast you always wanted to be.
What does it mean to be a friend? Being a pal is enjoying the company of your fellow companions.
We do things every day to help our friends.
But, if we’re here to help others, then why are the others here? The answer: To be helped. And that’s what I'm here for…
To help…

A New Hope
There are many important steps to training your friends, new or old.
Owen Fanning, a professional trainer from the Pollard Institute, says, “It's a really delicate subject. You have to figure out what makes them happy. When you find that, you can grab them by the strings and take control.”
There are many methods into having a happy relationship between friend and master…
I like to bargain and make a contract with a friend in which either side must fulfill their part of the deal.
When a friend fails to complete their side of the bargain, that's when you strike and CRUSH THEM! MAKE THEM SUFFER FOR EVERYTHING THEY HAVE DONE!!!!!!!
This way you can train them into being happy and reliable people for when you need things in the future.

Friend Epidemic
“If you're training your friends,” says Mr. Marcum, a teacher at the Pollard Institute, “Then they're probably not your friend.”
     This is not true. Studies show that friend training makes for long lasting relationships.
     The process allows for friend and master to become closer and more familiar with one another.
     The world has begun to think differently. They believe that friends can be made normally. I know right? Crazy...

“I think it's unconsciously happening,” says Eleanor, an expert on friend relations, “We all influence our friends.” Studies have shown that this is happening. While our subconscious does influence others, it does little in the great scheme of things. We still must do our own part in training our friends.

A Control Enthusiast Guide to Lifelong Relations

Step 1: Trust
            “Don't trust anyone.” says an unnamed source. While this may seem like a good idea  it is not. Not building trust with your friends is a terrible idea
Whenever I go on vacation, I'm sure to bring a gift for my friends when I return.
When my friends return they are sure to bring presents for me.


Step 2: Bribery
“You slowly gain their respect...” Danny, graduate from the Trainers academy. NO! A common mistake when training your friends is to be kind and gentle.
The correct method is to bribe them. Food is key. Offer “rewards” for your friends to get them to do things that you want them to.

Step 3: Spending Time
Human training is a lot like dog training. Don't take that the wrong way.
Like every new dog, every friend has to learn to be accustomed to your ways. Take them on walks. Bring them around to places you like and let them know the kind of person you are. All in the great scheme of things.

Step 4: Potty Training…
Just do this…Please…No questions…Always let your friends know where the bathroom is…
“I once bought a new carpet in the living room…Needless to say, I had to get rid of it…” says newbie friend maker, Chris.
I will not be held responsible for any...problems...that come up...

Step 5: Just One Last Push…
You and your friend have finally gotten acquainted. Be patient though, most of the time they need one last poke. Sometimes, with a blunt object to the head or something sharper…
This may seem harsh, but it's a necessary step in having a happy friendship.

Final Step: Take Control
You now know everything about your friends. Secrets, dreams, thoughts, use it all to pull every little string. Soon enough you'll have your own personal, trained friend.

Thank You for Reading
Try this method today and have a great friendship and a hardworking, loyal friend.
Call 1-800-FRIENDS to get a free consultation today.

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