Size zero IS a size. Its just NOT my size.

You type in the words “body image” on google and you’ll probably get about 10,000 hits within the first 5 seconds. All written about how you should be beautiful on the inside, how you shouldn’t care about what other people say, the top 50 diets for quick weight loss etc. There are beautifully written articles by girls who have struggled with this very issue. So what is my article about? How is what I write any different from the myriad of articles out there in the World Wide Web?
The answer is that its not. It’s simply about acceptance of who you are.
Size zero is a size and even if you are Gisele Budchen on the inside nobody gives a damn unless you resemble her in any way on the outside. I always knew that. While most people wouldn’t say that I was overweight, I always struggled with my view of my body. I had learnt to hate the way my body had molded itself. A little too chubby on the arms, too much fat on the thighs, not good enough legs. I have friends who are beautiful, on the outside. They have flat stomachs and thin arms and nothing I did could ever be enough to look even a bit like them.
I remember we would go to the mall and try on clothes and I’d always ask for a size 8 immediately prompting sympathetic glances from my friends who’d always say “don’t worry, you’ll get there, just don’t eat during lunch okay?” It would begin with that. Soon it would turn into a full on discussion on the 5 best ways to throw up immediately after eating. We weren’t bulimics. Not yet. This was just a small part of the story. The mirror was our enemy and the fashion magazines were our bibles. We all wanted to be like those 6 ft goddesses who were so beautifully made up and were most importantly, thin. You knew that you had to stop eating when your mother told you that you were beginning to shift to the chubbier side. You knew something had to be done when you felt that you had committed a cardinal sin every time you ate too much.
I wish I could conclude the article by saying that I magically overcame my issues with the “perfect” body image. That suddenly I woke up one morning with the epiphany that I was beautiful on the inside and I didn’t necessarily need to throw up after every alternate meal. I wish, but it was a struggle for me. Truth be told, one day I did get up, but instead of realizing that I was perfect the way I was, I quietly accepted the fact that I could never achieve that body that I had always dreamed off. While some would say that I accepted defeat, I would say that it was really a win for me. I had gotten tired of feeling guilty every time I threw up or trying new kinds of diets. I was tired of starving myself and making myself eat the special “diet” foods that had the same hallmark cardboard paper taste. I was simply tired.
I had accepted that though I don’t look the way I want myself to be, I can’t starve myself to achieve it. So instead of trying out all the new diets, I have resigned myself to the biggest cliché of all time- “eating healthy.” I’m still not a size zero but I feel happy that I don’t have a constant nagging in my head that I’m not good enough or that I’m not thin enough. From time to time I still find myself wishing that I could fit into that tiny top in the size 4 racks. At times I still frown at my reflection in the mirror. But the important fact is that I’m in harmony with my body. I’m not fighting a war with it anymore and that makes me happy and gives me a sense of confidence that I didn’t have before.
All of this came after the simple act of acceptance. I didn’t necessarily have to love who I was, all I had to do was accept it and somewhere down the line, I did start loving who I had become as a result. So, in conclusion, all I have to say is that I feel for all the boys and girls out there struggling with the same issues that I was facing. I’ve been there. Maybe it’s time to accept who you are and work with it, not against it. You have to remember that it’s your imperfections that make you who you are.





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402SAA said...
Oct. 28, 2010 at 11:51 am
I have struggled with the same issues all my life. I have sisters that constantly bring up the fact that I am a little bigger than them. Somehow their words get under my skin. I have tried a billion different diets. I recently decided that what others think does not matter. What counts is how I feel about myself. I completely understand what you went through! 
 
SmritiBansal replied...
Mar. 16, 2011 at 1:31 pm

I'm replying really really late. Sorry about that!

I'm really glad that you liked what I had to say. Its nice to read comment like yours. Kind of instils a sense of commonality. But more importantly, thanks for understanding what I went through. I dont think anyone needs more than that. :)

 
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