That's What I Am

April 13, 2017
By , St george, UT

"Who does that loser think she is?"

"I don't know, let's go ask her."

The gender-specific pronouns are meant for my ears to catch.

And I do hear them. I have heard them every day since I came out as gender fluid, about a month ago.

Some days they don't bother me.

Others, like today, they make me want to just end it all, to just die. I know if I commit suicide, they won. I know if I do that, they'll just laugh, and I'll just be another number on that chart of people who have commited suicide.


Some days I dig knives into my skin, trying to cut out the pain with this pain.

Some days it helps. Most days it doesn't. 


I have to gather courage. Courage to tell myself and others: "So what if I don't have a gender?" "So, I'm gender fluid. I don't bully you about being a boy, so don't bully me about being myself." "I am gender fluid. That's what I am."

I've practiced these lines in the mirror, saying them over and over. But when I'm at school, I just can't do it. I cannot bring myself to stand up to these bullies.


One day I'll be able to do it. I can tell you that. Just not today.

So whether you be transgender, gay, lesbian, bisexual or anything else, don't be like me. Don't cower and let the bullies run your life. Stand up to them. Tell them: "Yes, I am different. That's what I am."

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