Bullying is a hot topic right now – everything from minor incidents of harassment to physical violence and suicide. Most stories of bullying come from the perspective of the victim; rarely are they told from the viewpoint of the bully. I have never been perfect, nor will I ever be, and there are definitely blemishes in my past I wish I could erase. Bullying is one of them.

I am an inherently proud person, which affected my early friendships. I was unable to truly connect with others because I wanted desperately to stand out, to be better than everyone else.

Even with friends, I constantly had to be superior. I would even find subtle ways to put them down and make them feel inferior.

Academics are the most important thing to me. I am ambitious. I love learning, studying, and discovering new things. And I am naturally good at these things. But there was a time when I took every opportunity to shoot down anyone who came close to me academically.

I knew what bullying was. Maybe what I did was not typical bullying, but I knew it was wrong. Yet I couldn’t stop myself.

Once I started, the desire to stay on top was uncontrollable. My only thought was I cannot fall. I must stay on top. I cannot lose my place. My ambition had twisted into a gruesome obsession. I put others down to feed my ego.

Now that I can look back and reflect, I understand that my issue was one of power, domination, and ultimately control.

Control is something I’ve always felt I lacked in life. Control over my surroundings, control in my family life, and control of myself. I had a monstrous inferiority complex because of my fear of failure. Dominating academically, even when it hurt others, was one way I felt control.

Bullying often spawns from fear or a feeling of inadequacy. And once a bully feels the powerful high of hurting others, stopping can be difficult. But the fact is, it was not just others I was bullying; it was myself. Once I realized my motivations, it was easier to change.

Bullying is a challenging problem. However, until we begin trying to understand the bullies, we will not address the issue effectively.