Secretary of Homeland Beauty Warns of Light Skin Epidemic

April 18, 2012
By Brandon Balsino BRONZE, Tucson, Arizona
Brandon Balsino BRONZE, Tucson, Arizona
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

As of a report released Friday morning by the United States Secretary of Homeland Beauty Dr. Michael H. Simon, many men and women are suffering from a very serious problem of light skin.
Dr. Simon first addressed this problem back in the 1980’s by requiring a warning sticker on every swim suit and tanning lotion bottle in America to read that people buying these products may have friends or family members with deficient skin color. Since then he has been a very important player on reaching out to inform Americans of this socially fatal condition many possess. Informing all ages of the public has been his main goal; from students in skill to the elderly.
“The pale skin problem has reached a dangerously high level and cannot be ignored any longer.” Dr. Simon said during a press conference at The National Skin Treatment Research Center. “Millions of men and women with light skin colors are losing their innate ability to attract partners, and if by some miracle they are already married then what is stopping their spouse from running out on them.” Then while pointing to a tan woman out in the audience, “Would you want to be with someone whiter than Bob Saget?” said Dr. Simon. “Unless people start taking this seriously and take action, then many Americans will forever be alone; broadening our scope to a national scale, we are looking at a major population decrease. Which could lead to an even worse economy then we are in right now. ”
According to the official website of the Secretary of Homeland Beauty, there are some easily identifiable signs of a man or woman with Severe Color Absence, or SCA. These include the ability to cause vision damage to surrounding people, as well as the ability to lose all the attention of possible partners when around someone with a crisp, golden tan. One might also have the inability to look at themselves fully unclothed in a mirror and see tan lines, or actually go blind from the reflection. Dr. Simon says that even with all the advances in skin color changing technology, many people can go on for years without the slightest clue that they have a skin deficiency.
“I cannot put enough emphasis on the importance of this issue for men and women across America to get checked out and fight this. It’s as simple as consulting a trained professional such as a tanning salon owner or a licensed plumber to evaluate your personal risk. This problem reaches all across America, affecting people in every region of the United States except for Southern California. This disease can happen to both males and females. Men and women of any age, social or economic status can be afflicted. However men and women with red hair and an abundance of freckles have a higher percentage of being affected by this problem.”
Dr. Simon went on to add, “There is no such thing as too tan. You can always benefit more from having more color. Even if you burn your skin and are as red as a tomato, you will be in better shape than someone who is as white as a piece of computer paper. So get on the computer and check your phone books for the location of the closest tanning salon. Rush on to your neighborhood convenient store and purchase tanning lotion and bronzer. It’s time to prevent this atomic bomb from destroying our nation. Join with me and instead of hiding, come out and let the UV rays cure you.”
In an effort to educate the people, Dr. Simon has recently released a public service announcement highlighting the importance of tan Americans’ roles in this situation. Instead of just being bystanders, the Secretary of Homeland Beauty urges those who already have perfectly healthy golden skin to let those around them know that they can fix their problem. “Fathers alert your daughters and mothers take a look at your sons. Bosses hold a meeting to inform your employees. Everyone knows a victim of this pernicious affliction and it can no longer be shoved under the covers,” Simon said during one of the televised spots while standing next to Paul DelVecchio, more commonly known as Pauly D. Pauly D., one of the cast members of the hit television show Jersey Shore, who stated that he is at the tanning salon three times a week trying to get to the perfect color. He started tanning at a prepubescent age and is the perfect example of “it’s never too early to take preventative measures.
Although Dr. Simon and the Secretary of Homeland Beauty’s office have had a close partnership with the media to endorse a healthy bronzed coating life style, Simon suggests another approach might be necessary. He said legislation could be the solution to this ongoing problem. A bill was brought to congress to allocate 500 million dollars to high schools around the country to install informative programs and literature. The Secretary of Homeland Beauty’s office is always preaching that a person is never too young to start realizing they have a problem.

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This article has 1 comment.

TyroneBBC said...
on Apr. 24 2012 at 3:14 pm
This writer has pretty amazing ORAL skills! He really knows how to please a reader. His really knows how to open his mouth and go deep. Makes me bust a nut in that mouth every time!


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