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Castor

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“I can’t even remember a time where I was happy. The sun may shine, but my life is covered in an everlasting shade. I prefer not to think anymore. When I do think, the only things I remember are the people’s faces that I have killed. I am only writing this to give myself peace. Maybe I do not deserve peace but that is what I’ll need to successfully end the constant torture I face in my mind. In the dark my mind will often think of the people that I killed, and in that moment I can see their entire life playing out on the back of my eyelids. I can feel the pain they endured every single second that my eyes are closed. I do not sleep anymore; I cannot even become tired anymore. As my victims were given a never ending sleep, I’ve gained the opposite.

I do not remember my biological family-they abandoned me at a young age. In a peculiar sense, those that I’ve killed have become my family. If I never had the ability to live with their stolen memories, I would still be lonely. But, I’m not alone. They all live inside of me. I may have tortured them once but they torture me now. I cannot feel what I want to feel from the one I want to anymore, so I do not wish to feel from any of the others. Castor is the one. I have always been somewhat obsessed with the girl named Castor. I killed her only one year back. She is the reason I still close my eyes. I have the hope that when my eyes are closed she is the one that will visit me. To my despair, her feelings and memories do not return to me. Even though I can no longer feel her inside of me I do not regret killing her. In fact, I saved her.

Castor was abandoned by her mother and abused by her father. When I remember her I can feel the frequent blows she received. In her days of life, Castor’s hair was long, flowing, and a majestic shade of crimson. Her skin was a delicate tone of olive and her figure was delicate. I sought her for many, many seasons and she was finally mine just before last year’s winter. She was physically stuck in her younger years but mentally into her older years. I killed her in the gentlest way I could, but I had to have her in my mind forever. When we met, she knew me only by the name Masen. By that time, I had long since forgotten my birth name. I believe I stole the name Masen from an old man’s last name that I had killed several years before Castor. But with all the people inside of me it is hard to tell where my name came from. When Castor knew me she loved the person that was before her. I would sit in the very same chair I’m sitting in now on this very same hill, during the times she visited me. The pain she faced at home was never evident in her eyes. Honestly, I killed her out of pure selfishness. It was only after the fact that I learned that I ultimately did her a favor. A favor she would never be able to repay.

For many nights after her death, I would sit in my chair with my eyes closed and play the story of her life repeatedly. Castor’s stories never got old. After months of the replaying’s, I began to lose the ability to connect to Castor’s life. I had seen her life so many times that I knew absolutely everything there was to know. It was then that the other members of my new family began to reconnect with my mind. I did not want to watch their lives or feel their emotions; I only wanted to continue the experience of Castor’s life. And it was earlier today that I decided, I must find Castor’s presence again. That is why today will be my end.

Now that I am back to mine and Castor’s meeting place atop the steep hill in which she is hidden, I can end the torture and find my way back to Castor. I’ve chained myself to the chair and this is the last place my eyes will ever see. No one will find me here and if they do, I hope I am already dead. I need to escape the memories of all the people that I’ve killed. I’m only sorry for their murders because I was left with their lives in my mind. And when I finally found the life I wanted to have inside, I only had it for a short time. So, that is why I must leave the Earth in the same place that I guided Castor to her death. When we become of the same soil I will truly never leave her presence and that is when I can regain her life. It is now that I say goodbye to the torrent of restless souls inside my weary mind. I know that my soul may be damned to hell but the fibers of my bones will be forever combined with Castor’s. It is my turn to find a never ending rest- with her.”
-Masen



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