Katherine

October 12, 2013
By holly1999 GOLD, Middlesbrough, Other
holly1999 GOLD, Middlesbrough, Other
12 articles 8 photos 114 comments

Favorite Quote:
'There was no need to clarify my finger snap, the implication was clear in the snap itself' - Magnus Bane


Raging and rushing relentlessly, the river surged on powerfully, throwing aside the boulders in its path like they were the lightest of feathers. Razor sharp like knives, rocks towered above the liquid fury. Intimidating, forceful, strong guards; they prevented anyone from leaving the terrible prison.

But I barely noticed any of that.
Silently, stealthily – like a cat stalking its pray – I sneaked through the forest on the edge of the river. Rain trickled down my back as I surveyed the area; looking for any threats.

Why? Why am I even here? For about the hundredth time, doubts flooded my mind. A sly voice whispered in my ear; telling me to run away, to leave the world I hated behind (quite tempting) but despite that I kept going. Even though I really didn’t want to.

Crack. Somewhere in the distance, a twig snapped. The low hum of voices caught my attention before I saw the figures. A group of people (about five, I think) were stood close to the river’s edge. Hikers? Not likely – not many people dared to venture out towards the, harsh, unforgiving fury.

So who?

Cautiously, I faded back into the invisibility cloak of the trees. Patiently, silently, I remained camouflaged. Waiting.

Angry, threatening clouds rolled across the sky, casting a dark shadow over the valley.

Is this a trick? Have they sent me out here just to get me out of the way? Do you even know what I’m talking about?

Well, my name is Kat (Katherine) and I’m fifteen years old. The Old Ones killed my family my family and they were going to kill me. But they didn’t, and I didn’t know why until just two weeks ago. They thought I would be ‘useful’ to them – whatever that means (I heard two of their associates talking). So now I’m here, being soaked in the sky’s tears, waiting for a girl I’m supposed to just let them kill.

A low buzzing sound took over my brain, and mist began to cloud my vision. Slowly, I felt myself drift into unconsciousness…

Crunch. The sound of a branch breaking dragged me rudely from my restless sleep. Nervously, I turned around; almost fearing what I would see. A girl of about my age crept cautiously through the trees. She didn’t seem to notice me, but I melted into the earth as a precaution. As she drew nearer, I was sure I’d seen her somewhere before. Curling slightly at the ends, her read hair tumbled down her back, shining despite the lack of sunshine. A narrow, thin face combined with her fiery hair made her resemble a fox – surely I would easily remember someone like her.

A gasp escaped my protesting lips. She knew I was here! She had to! Those bright emerald eyes x-rayed the area; just for a second they looked directly at me. Waiting to be discovered, I held my breath for what felt like an eternity.

But she walked straight past my hiding place.

Why?

Dancing and skipping silently, I followed the girl like a shadow. She left the relative safety of the forest, making her way towards the river. The minutes felt like hours as she stood at the edge of the raging water.

Then she jumped.

Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion as I dashed towards the river. Secrecy forgotten, I just wanted to help the girl who was so exactly like myself, hunted by people we had no hope of overpowering.

I expected to see the angry, terrifying water happy after its latest meal.

Instead I saw Fox Face, crouching on a rocking ledge about half way down the cliffs; searching for something. She showed none of the cautiousness she had in the forest not five minutes earlier. Totally consumed by the task she was currently undertaking, she paid no attention to what was going on around her.

The so-called hikers I saw earlier appeared from no-where behind her. How? I saw them leave the valley myself, just before the confusing, restless sleep overtook me. What did they want with her?

“Elena…we’ve been expecting you….”
The piercing green eyes found me again. A clear message.

Help.


The author's comments:
This is part of a novel I'm working on. It's a work in progress, and I'd really like to know what you think o it.

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This article has 5 comments.


on Feb. 18 2014 at 12:58 am
Bay_Renee SILVER, Brinkhaven, Ohio
7 articles 2 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Kites rise the highest when going against the wind."
-Winston Churchill

Curse my fast typing, haha! *Unnecessary... 

on Feb. 18 2014 at 12:53 am
Bay_Renee SILVER, Brinkhaven, Ohio
7 articles 2 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Kites rise the highest when going against the wind."
-Winston Churchill

I did something similar- I wrote a condensed version (an attempted short story) of a novel I am currently working on, and I will be the first to say that it is so hard to do! Trying to fit everything together, add some details, but keep it clean, tie all the ends up, invest the readers, keep it short- gosh, it's difficult, but you did a great job! I'm really intrested in this story and it could be an amazing book! For now, don't worry about the unessary details or errors in this piece, because this isn't the finished product and it wasn't orginally intended to be a short story- this is an exerpt of your book, and books aren't ment to be short. I can tell you have a ton of backstory and a talent for writing, which makes for a potentially fantastic book! I'm excited for it! Keep writing!=]

on Nov. 7 2013 at 3:22 pm
BorderlineGenius777 SILVER, Lewiston, Idaho
7 articles 0 photos 80 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap, whence everyone must take an equal portion, most would be content to take their own and depart."- Socrates

Alright, heres my thing with this story. First off, I like it. You use detail well and can set a mood. But, there are problems. You're grammar is a bit incorrect (Misuse of commas, semi-colons, misspellings, etc.) Also, you kind of add things a bit willy-nilly. for example: "(I heard two of their associates talking)". That was a bit random to me. To add things like that, you should elaborate much more, ok? However, the story itself was wonderful, and I'd love to read the next part. I'm giving about 31/2-4 stars now, but I'm sure the next piece will be a five star masterpiece. Keep it up!

on Oct. 30 2013 at 9:09 pm
Carly_Elizabeth PLATINUM, Othello, Washington
39 articles 0 photos 131 comments

Favorite Quote:
"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."
Roald Dahl

I agree with The_Capricornian that that one paragraph seems out of place. I was taught that you never ever say who you are in a story. Unless that it is just the tone of the narrator, in that case it's perfectly okay. But it just doesn't fit with the rest of your story. Which is amazing by the way. I was hooked the second I started reading it. I do have some suggestions for that out of place paragraph. Try to show not tell. Say, "Confusion muddled my brain; full of questions to why the Old Ones killed my family." Oh and btw "my family" is repeated haha. It's okay though, I know how it feels to post something and see that you have over a thousand spelling and grammar errors haha. And the showing and not telling this is seriously something everyone (literally) needs to work on so don't beat yourself up about it. And great job! You need to post the rest of this book. I'd definitely read it. 

on Oct. 22 2013 at 8:15 pm
The_Capricornian GOLD, Marietta, Georgia
12 articles 0 photos 30 comments

Favorite Quote:
There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed. - Ernest Hemingway

This is pretty good for a start, but first of all, “Curling slightly at the ends, her read hair tumbled down her back, shining despite the lack of sunshine.”  And also, the paragraph that starts with “Well, my name is Kat…”, feels out of place, despite the lead in.  I would either put it much later in the story, right at the start, or try to blend it in with the first few paragraphs.  Other than that, I’m interested in what comes next.   (By the way, you know there is an option to create a book on here, right?)


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