Song Vignette: Tender Lumplings

August 9, 2011
By TheEldritchPrince SILVER, Stockbridge, Georgia
TheEldritchPrince SILVER, Stockbridge, Georgia
9 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
Logic is not flawless

The hall was run down. It also looked like it hadn’t been used in years. Didn’t stop the madman who owned it from chasing him. Or prevent the facility from being in very good condition.
He wouldn’t be so panicked if he wasn’t in for a fate worse than death. The infernal song echoing around the place was most definitely not helping. It sounded like it was playing from an old record player. Also it had to be live whenever it was recorded. This train of thought isn’t helping you, his mind said. He skidded down a junction in the hallways, and ran into an old operating room, it was visually very messed up.
“Found You!” A very childlike voice cried. He froze.
Not here, not him, not now.
“I… I do not want to play your games.” He took off hoping to escape. Then he noticed the song had ended. He tripped.
“Not good not good not good not good not good…” he repeated over and over. A figure then showed up. A boyish looking man wearing a vividly colored tuxedo was now standing over him. However, the tux was stained by grease, oil and bodily liquids he’d rather not identify.
“Why did you run?” He asked meekly.
“Because you fool, you would have done unspeakable things to my body and soul.”
“Yes yes, I get that, but the merciful lady and the mechanical man said you would gain things from it.” He turned on him, mechanical limbs holding tools of assembly revealing themselves and coming closer to him, intent on replacing his body with machines. He tried to scream, tried so very hard. He heard no sound ever escape his lips and the pain started. He resigned himself to his fate. Thomas would never be the same, but at least he held some comfort in that he would live, even if the comfort was so very, very, small.
“So take your time as the full moon grows, and may the good lord save your soul!” The song sang.

The author's comments:
Inspired by the song of the same name by Oingo Boingo. It is intended to be horrific and creepy.

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This article has 9 comments.

on Jan. 14 2012 at 6:59 pm
swiftheart GOLD, Houston, Texas
17 articles 5 photos 83 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If someone were to pay you 10 cents for every kind word you ever spoke and collect 5 cents for every unkind word, would you be rich or poor?"

This story is very good. It flows along quite well and the characters are well developed. The main problem found in this piece is your dramatic errors. For instance, when you wrote "not good...", you could have added more commas to differentiate each phrase. It might also help if you rephrase some sentences perhaps rearranging some words. This will maximize the already impressive flow in your piece. Other than these critics, it was amazing. I hope to read more from you.

on Jan. 14 2012 at 6:53 pm
TheEldritchPrince SILVER, Stockbridge, Georgia
9 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
Logic is not flawless

Ask Danny Elfman what a tender lumpling is. I have no idea myself.

on Jan. 14 2012 at 6:35 pm
recurring_resilience SILVER, Ashburn, Virginia
9 articles 0 photos 92 comments

Favorite Quote:
"These are the times that try men's souls." - Thomas Paine.

"You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am." - On the Water Front

"This is my place of failure."

What exactly is a tender lumpling? Oh and btw well, written; you do a very good job at describing the surroundings without diminishing the story.

on Jan. 14 2012 at 6:23 pm
LiveToLove SILVER, Lansing, Michigan
5 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
Having a rough day? Place your hand over your heart. Feel that? That's called purpose. You're alive for a reason. Don't give up♥

I'm creeped out; consider your goal accomplished. Your spelling and grammar are flawless, you color details vividly, and you convey emotion very well. I have not critique... Keep it up!

on Jan. 13 2012 at 12:49 pm
iamawesomeK SILVER, Wilmington, Delaware
6 articles 0 photos 28 comments

Favorite Quote:
I am sure I won't be able to fit that many quotes in here.

nice. i can't write something as good as that.

Chrysaora GOLD said...
on Jan. 8 2012 at 1:03 pm
Chrysaora GOLD, Providence Forge, Virginia
10 articles 2 photos 63 comments
I can see why it got the award! It was good; interestingly written

on Dec. 23 2011 at 3:50 pm
idc-wat-they-think SILVER, Augusta, Georgia
5 articles 0 photos 10 comments

Favorite Quote:
every sinner has a future every saint has a past

wow thats was realy good and creepy lol

on Dec. 23 2011 at 1:08 pm
TheEldritchPrince SILVER, Stockbridge, Georgia
9 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
Logic is not flawless

Thanks. I'll admit, this was written as an opening to a movie, oddly enough!

on Dec. 23 2011 at 1:05 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1648 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." --Marcus Aurelius

Well, this certainly deserves the Editor's Choice Award! Your grammar and spelling are good and your descriptions bring suspense to your story. I have no criticism, so excellent work!

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