Guilty Stains | Teen Ink

Guilty Stains

July 15, 2010
By MakenaB_mjbc99 BRONZE, Brookline, Massachusetts
MakenaB_mjbc99 BRONZE, Brookline, Massachusetts
4 articles 1 photo 31 comments

Young Brown dashed to the crime scene as soon as he was called. He got to Café 5, the crime scene, and found the police gathered around the victim. Together with them was the famous Vancouver detective, Walter M. Morris, renowned not only for his crime solving capability but also for his great skill at investigating the private life of specific people. Morris was never found without his old, wooden smoking pipe.
Detective Anthony Brown found that the cold pale body on the floor was property of Thomas Raw, Café 5’s owner. Anthony crouched down to take a closer look at the body. All of a sudden, an ox strong grip took hold of Brown’s shoulder. The young man jumped up and found Morris an inch away of his eyes. He shook off a deep shiver rising up his spine. They greeted each other and went over to a corner to discuss the case.
The theory was as followed: one Tuesday night, Mr. Raw stayed up late working at his shop, cleaning the floor. Someone had surprised him from behind with the gift of a broken neck. His wife got worried and headed off to her love’s store where she found him sleeping on the ground, never to get up again.
Brown decided to go step by step. First, he would inspect the shop and interrogate his main suspect, Mrs. Raw. He got a sizzled cup of coffee and begun his tasks. He examined his crime scene, and was left open mouthed. Not even a clue of the murderer’s entrance. Perhaps, he would have more luck with Mrs. Raw.

As the detective got to the house he noticed a blood stain on the door handle. He got out a slick and shinny gun and hid it close, just in case. He rang the bell a few seconds. After a moment, a lady came out.
Her hair was short and made her look like a cherry with emerald eyes and ruby threads. She was dressed up like if she was going somewhere. The questions had begun as soon as possible.
Q: Did you love your husband?
A: Yes. The true question is … did he love me?
Q: What does that mean?
A: We had a small quarrel a few days ago at dinner, around two I think. He cut my hand with a sharp knife. Its blade did not cut deep into me. Then, I ran out to a hotel. I think he sent to look for me. A man started out for me. There, I lost a copy of Café 5 keys. Luckily, I have another.
Brown realized she was not the one. Mrs. Raw gave him a bill she had found. It was dirty. A dusty black smudge crawled over it. Brown put it safely into an evidence bag.

Brown’s eyes were back on the body. He looked at the injury and found the same black dusty smudge. Now, a smile was on every corner of his mouth. You could see his teeth plucked out. His eyes lit up like a match. He was then invited by Walter to a drink at a bar.
After some drinks, Walter headed off to the men’s toilet and left Anthony his crooked pipe. Anthony held it for him with pleasure. When Morris was back, Brown handed him his pipe. As he took his hand away he noticed a black dusty stain. Anthony’s eyes glowed. Morris made a frown when he understood what happened. Brown rushed out the bar and dashed into Café 5.
Anthony slightly opened the shop door and got near the body. He glared at the black dust on the neck of Mr. Raw. “Morris,” Brown whispered. He had been with the murderer all along! His new theory was that Raw had hired Morris to spy on his wife. He looked for her and got a copy of the shop keys. When the detective was not paid, he got into the shop and killed Raw!
All of the sudden a black shape came out of the dark with thunderous footsteps.
“You were looking for me?”

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This article has 494 comments.

on Feb. 19 2014 at 12:46 pm
This story was good but the words choice and sentence fluency did not help pull me into the story,I found myself just reading and not anticipating what came next. Maybe next time you could make it a little more fluid.

pdiaz_here said...
on Feb. 19 2014 at 12:02 pm
I thought the story was sum what confusing at some point, but then understood it. I do think it was kinda in a hurry to get to the end. But i was very good for being at short story. Other wise i thought it was very well writen

Loyalty12 said...
on Feb. 19 2014 at 11:22 am
Great Story I Just wish there was more to the end

bluehorse said...
on Feb. 19 2014 at 11:16 am
realloy enjoyed this story it could have been wording a differnt way kinda kept mixing the story up.

on Feb. 19 2014 at 11:16 am
in the beggining it really didnt make sense. but over all i really liked it

porcsha1234 said...
on Feb. 19 2014 at 11:13 am
It was a good story all
though i Kinda got confussed towards the end.

SharkButt said...
on Feb. 19 2014 at 11:07 am
This story had a interesting topic, but didnt have s good hook to grab my attention. Overall you need to work on hooking a reader into the story.

HoneMonk said...
on Feb. 19 2014 at 9:38 am
What is with these stories now starting out with a muder crime in some way.

JsONmyFeet said...
on Feb. 19 2014 at 9:38 am
i love the story i like how the killer was their the whole time

Jazmin17 said...
on Feb. 19 2014 at 9:37 am
Very good writing for a mystery story,but you could have added a little bit more details into the story.

Sethham said...
on Feb. 19 2014 at 9:34 am
Sethham, Wichita, Kansas
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
This story was very good but it didnt grab me as much as it should of. Other than that i think it was a good read and all that fun stuff.  

on Feb. 19 2014 at 9:31 am
This was really good, it kept me lookin for more. Great ending very good twist

ivonee_r said...
on Feb. 19 2014 at 9:26 am
the story was very good! even though i had to go back to figure out what character you were talking about it was very good after all

on Feb. 19 2014 at 9:26 am
The story had a good mystery. It is well written and it went straight to the point.

ME99 said...
on Feb. 19 2014 at 9:18 am
The ending was great but I kind of wonder what happen next. I guess its left a mystery. 

on Mar. 13 2013 at 8:32 pm
Captain_Sheepie BRONZE, Franklin, Wisconsin
4 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
We are here on this Earth to fart around. Don't let anyone tell you any different.
-Kurt Vonnegut

Good diction, and I enjoyed the ending: cery mysterious. Crime stories are sometimes the most difficult to write, but it seems you have a knack for it. Maybe you should think of writing more in the future?

on Nov. 10 2012 at 10:29 pm
LunaSlate SILVER, Rogers, Minnesota
5 articles 0 photos 17 comments
The storyline was brilliant! I have to say, the wording and who was who was sometimes confusing, and it felt a little rushed. Perfect detective story, ending like that.

on Sep. 27 2012 at 6:53 pm
vballgirl99 BRONZE, Atalnta, Georgia
1 article 0 photos 28 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Practice makes perfect"

This is a pretty good storylines, but sometimes  the wording would get mixed up and a few times I was confused about what character you were talking about. Overall, good writing though!

mellymels said...
on Jan. 29 2012 at 2:04 pm
it seemed a bit rushed to me but i liked it

on Dec. 30 2011 at 12:29 am
Cheshirekat SILVER, Boise, Idaho
5 articles 0 photos 49 comments

Favorite Quote:
“A friend might well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Oh you can't avoid that; we're all mad here." - The Cheshire Cat

No offense but I knew who the killer was by the time all the characters had been introduced. Also make sure to clear up which character is which because it took me a moment to realize that Anthony was Detective Brown.