Snow White: A 'Grumpy' Point of View

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All we ever asked for was a little peace and quiet. It took us forever to get the birds and deer to stop cleaning the house when we weren't around, and we finally thought that we could at last enjoy a 'lived in' home. Sadly, it was not to be. We came home one evening after a long day of working in the mines, and the lights were lit. We were immediately bewildered and a little irritated; who could be intruding now? We stealthily crept in, only to find that the house was once again spotless. Stupid woodland creatures! Suddenly, a delicious aroma tickled my nose. Stew? But how could that be? Had the woodland creatures progressed to being a culinary nuisance as well? Doc turned and said what we were all thinking: 'It's upstairs. In the bedroom.'
Upstairs, we opened the door slowly to reveal a large figure sprawled across three of our beds. We raised our clubs, pulled back the sheets and''discovered that a girl was lying fast asleep! A woman! We would all fall victim to her feminine fancies! 'Get her out!' I ordered. 'She'll be nothing but trouble!' 'Nonsense!' Doc replied. 'She's beautiful.' At that, the woman yawned and awakened. She seemed to know exactly who we were without asking, and I was immediately suspicious. How could she know that? It's not as if our names were incredibly descriptive. 'Who are you and what are you doing here?' I demanded. 'Why, I'm Snow White,' she explained prettily. 'My stepmother tried to kill me, and I ran into the forest. I stumbled across your little cottage and needed someplace to stay. If you let me stay, I can do all sorts of useful things. I know how to clean, and mend, and cook'' And that was the end of that. As soon as the other six learned that there was food involved, they eagerly invited her to live here. 'But that witch is looking for her!' I exclaimed. 'There'll be trouble, mark my words!' Unfortunately, no one was listening. They were all too busy 'washing up' as she called it, before dinner.
After dinner they all started to follow her back upstairs like a flock of ol' sheep, and insisted upon dragging me along. Upstairs, I settled in a corner, determined not to listen as she told us about the prince she'd left behind. 'Load of old rubbish,' I grumbled quietly and leaned back in my chair. Around ten o'clock we realized it was late and time for bed. This raised still another problem: where would she sleep? The other six thought she should just take our beds; after all, they were already pushed together to make a space big enough for her. I, though, was not giving up my bed. Unfortunately, it was decided I had no choice in the matter, and I soon found myself scrunched into a tiny dresser drawer. I slept fitfully cramped into the small space, and morning seemed to be a long time in coming. When we did finally arise it was to the delicious scent of pancakes and bacon floating through the air; she had gotten up especially early to cook us breakfast.
This pattern continued for weeks; some days she would bake for us, others she would clean or plant flowers. One thing never changed, though: as we left for work each day, those old kiss-ups left her with the advice to stay in the house and avoid company; the witch would be looking for her soon. With that, we would head off to work in the diamond mines.
It was around noon one hot summer afternoon when the warning call came in. All of a sudden the deer came rushing in, pulling at our shirts and yanking us from our work. We realized quickly that something was dreadfully wrong. We rushed back to the cottage, only to find that Snow White was dead! A horrible cackling mocked us from a distance: the witch had found her! We grabbed our axes and chased her up the mountain, but lost her in the rainstorm.
Upon returning, we discovered that the woodland creatures had left flowers for Snow White. It was then that it hit me: she was really gone, and never coming back. We couldn't bury her; we simply built a coffin for her in a clearing in the wood. As time passed, I realized the hole she had left within our cottage: dinner was worse, clothes were never clean, and the woodland creatures stopped visiting. Until one day, when everything changed. A man rode up and demanded to see the princess. At first, we had no idea what he was talking about, and then it hit us: Snow White. We sorrowfully led him to her resting place, and left him alone with her. He took her hand, and kissed her dead on the lips (no pun intended). To our shock and amazement, she rose, took his hand, and kissed him right back.
Snow White now lives in a castle in a kingdom only a day's ride from here, with the prince of her dreams. We occasionally make the journey to visit her, and she comes back to see us as well. I guess now I don't really mind too much. After all, who else would do the cooking?





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