Auburn Leaves

February 1, 2009
By Matt Paz BRONZE, Saint Cloud, Minnesota
Matt Paz BRONZE, Saint Cloud, Minnesota
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

It has been several months since the start of the school year, and things aren't going exactly what I want them to be. I had been expecting a better year than last year, that's what I always do. Year after year, I expect at least some change, but instead, I am faced by the same blandness of life. The same chatters of faceless people, the same cacophony of footsteps in the hall, the same school. I don't really know why I feel this way. It's as if the gloom of fall pervaded the twisted guts of this school. Damn this place. I don't really hate the people around me; it's just that I realized school seems so pointless. Day after day, I have to endure the constant barrage of annoyances. Add the fact that I have to put up with people who seem to whine at everything. School is practically just the restatement of the obvious! I don't understand the reason for whining!
All this years, my home has served as my refuge against these things, a bivouac against the constant attacks to my sanity. It is my shrine for relaxation, meditation, and solitude, my own personal entertainment place. This however, seem to change this past few days, I used to be contented moping around by myself in my room, but I am finding myself seeking companionship more than ever. I had long believed that 'no man is an island' is a baseless saying, but I am doubting that belief right now. I yearn to share my thoughts, and problems with someone. And so, I began to search for my companion. I was unsure if my search will even succeed, it's like searching for a needle in a haystack, only you're not sure if there's even a needle at all.
A few days, after my search began, I came across this new girl. Upon looking at her, I was dumbfounded by her. It was as if the gods had heard my plea, a divine intervention, somewhat. I began to admire her; soon, I even developed a strong obsession.
The good thing about being an unpopular person is that nobody basically notices any change with me. Even my 'friends' doesn't seem to notice it. The only slightest hint, to whatsoever, change to my behavior is the sudden surge in my grades, and my increasing tendency to space out. It was Pax autumnus, the peace of fall. Within a week, I noticed that I had pretty good sleuthing skills. I was able to follow her without detection. I had an inner renaissance. My internal seasons are shifting back to those joyful summers of long ago, I think.
I was so sure that all is already well. In fact I was convinced that it is, until she looked back at me when I was staring at her. At that moment, I was struck by fear. Who was I to know that I wasn't really invisible? That somebody is actually going to notice me? From that moment on, I always see her eyes, even when I throw furtive glances at her. Several scenarios play in my mind, one involving the police because of stalking. Once again I sulked by myself at my home, not because of my severe shyness, but because paranoia has bound my body.
For several days, my sanity was on the brink of oblivion. Then, one day, I noticed a slip of paper on my desk. My heart, body, and even my soul, I think, bounded for joy. It was her, and she isn't mad with my stalking. She doesn't even seem to be creeped out by it; in fact, she wants to get to know me more. She asked me to meet her by the bus stop, tomorrow morning. I am a really shy person, but I was still very excited.
The next morning, I mustered my strength to wake up early. I contradicted my personal philosophy against grooming up; it's a special day anyway. I ate up a hearty breakfast and headed outside. For the first time in my life, I saw the beauty of fall. No longer can I see the gray sky, instead the color of the trees give a sense of warmth within me. I rediscovered optimism, which I thought I had long thrown out in the dumpster. This is perhaps the best day in my short 15 years of life.
I saw her standing in the bus stop from across the street. She smiled at me when she saw me, and I tried to smile back. I had many things to share with her, so I hurried across the street. Within a split second, I saw her face change to terror. I looked to myself and saw this green blur hurtling toward me. Great, I thought, I'm going to die on my greatest day, just great. So, I closed my eyes and waited for the fatal crash.
The wait was getting long, so I opened my eyes. There was no car, no road, in fact, there wasn't anything at all. Everything around me was quickly dissolving into a sea of orange. Cool I thought. It seems that Death is a fan of 'Lucy in the Skies with Diamonds', with all this dreamy images spinning around me. Who knew death was pretty? After a few more moments, the orange colors finally settled into this picturesque country scenery. I remembered the beautiful fall I saw awhile back, but that doesn't even compare to this. The auburn trees and the marmalade sky seem to burn in a fire, not a fiery one, but a warm one. It was a fire that reminded me of a fire place. Even the dry grass had an orange tinge in them. I had always thought that fall was a time of cold death, but this doesn't even look like death. I was so engrossed with my musings that I had failed to notice an old man approach me, he was kind enough to tell me that I wasn't dead. Aside from that, he left me with a mysterious message, detach. Weird guy I guess.
It wasn't long till I noticed that I was alone to enjoy this paradise. Food was aplenty; I had just roasted a few morels a while ago. I was content enough to live the rest of my life here. Or so I thought. Despite my grievances from that other world, I still felt a sense of attachment to it. A homesick feeling is starting to well up in my heart. Then I remembered her. At that moment, everything went dark. I was, for the first time in my life, genuinely scared. I was lost in nothingness, just pitch dark. I was wishing to be back on that old world, I do not wish to be alone anymore. Then I heard it, it was just a whisper at first, but it grew louder. It was a voice, telling me to wake up. So, I woke up. I woke up in the middle of chemistry.

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