Padrino Bites The Dust

January 26, 2011
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I opened my blind eyes, the dark shattered my every being. I could see just what was in front of me, I couldn't tell if the twilight was the only thing there. I squinted my eyes at the light in the sky, the only source of light on the upturned earth. I took in a breath, slowly feeling my body again. It was like my soul was disconnected with my every limb, my spirit freed from my assemble. I could feel the tingling sensation of the air reaching my lungs, that was the only sensation I could be aware of. I could hear the screaming little girl inside of my mind, but I wasn't conscience of what was around me. I was blank. Unaware. But I was in a state of mind, not mental, not emotional, I was emotionless.

Finally, clarity took place in which was not my being, but my surrounding. I could see. I saw a forest, a bleak little wood. It was musty and misty, mossy and lightless. Then I could hear. I heard a soft, musical little voice. She was giggling. Free me. It was all I heard. I was weightless, but somehow grounded. I couldn't run from her, I felt free as a dove, but a little unsteady and strained. I stuttered, because I could now feel myself, my soul was connected to me again. If I looked around the trees, I could see her face. She was as white as snow, but her hair was as black as the midnight sun. Her eyes were light in color, though, and her face as blank as me. Her chin was angel-shaped, and her nose long but with tiny freckles. Her lips thin and creased. She was the opposite of me, but just as beautiful, maybe even more. 

She walked the weared trail, her face grim but warm. Her clothing was outrageous but somehow was shown with class. It was a medium length dress, a velvety dark blue, shiny and not frumpy. She had black and white separate sleeves, which opened up at the fingers. She passed me, she wasn't intimidating, not cold nor open. Her eyes were saying, help me if you want to. I was ready to leave, if she wasn't here, there was no reason to keep feeling this way.

I ran up the path, smothered by the sights, smells, and longing for home. I shuddered at the sharp coolness of the air. I felt smaller than usual. I felt insignificant, worthless, and betrayed. She took me here when I was in fear. I wanted to go home. I wanted not to feel lonely, but fulfilled and loved.

I sensed my mother. Her calm but tense air. Her floral scent and her warm arms around me. I started to cry, I started to tremble. My mind was of her, but the girl was in my heart. She was a shadow, watching me. I was never alone, as much I longed to be. My unanswered prayers were lingering here, my questions multiplying but there was never an easy answer. My mother was dead, her spirit alive. I was no longer free from anything, but trapped in this forest forever. I named the girl, I named her Evilella. I was called Sky. I was drowned by Evilella, she was not me, but her emotions seemed to fill me and I was no longer Sky. Evilella wasn't hurting me, my mother's spirit was cutting me into tiny shards of broken glass. Her scars were becoming my own, why couldn't she just leave me alone? I muttered a sound that did not sound like a voice I've ever known.

Evilella put her ghastly hand on my shoulder, but spun around her and shook in rage. “Evilella?” I wondered out loud, ready to know the figure that was haunting me.

She smiled, her teeth surreal white pearls. Ask me, she said, her voice fading into a higher tone in my head, the words never leaving her lips.

I stepped closer to her, my eyes starry and brown, hair in my face and  wind blowing my bangs. “Who are you, and what do you want?” It wasn't a question, I did not want to know, in the least. The words somehow just pushed themselves out of my mouth, but tasted sour on my tongue. Like I cared about why she was here, I just wanted her gone. I wanted my mother.

Evilella did not answer, her eccentric vibe ringing in my ears, it wasn't a sound, however I could hear it.

She was only a soul, no physical fragment, she was just a fragment of the mind. I clapped my hand on my mouth, trying to breath but all there was her. Evilella. She was haunting my mind, every breath I took was of her. Not the misty air. I was being held captive, I felt trapped all over again. She took my hand, but I could not feel it, tingling dots filled my fingertips. It shocked me, I did not know a soul could have feeling. Evilella put the palm of her hand on my chest, my heart pounding in her ears. I was flooded with emotions, like water was drowning me. I felt weighed down and unbreakable. I could feel myself getting heavier and heavier. The sudden rush was incredible. She stopped, almost simultaneously, as she knew it was too much for me to bear. Her voice in my mind a silent whisper, Follow me.

She started walking away from me, but her hand folded into mine. She made me walk, somehow her weightless grip was pulling me. I walked sternly, face serious. Her's not reassuring. I heard birds sing, it was a relief, the soundless world, was now being broken apart by the birds, my ears not heavy anymore. Musical laughter filled my ears, I beamed a smile. The sunshine suddenly broke free from the clouds. I gaped. Evilella's face still as distant as it was a time ago. Our rhythm of steps suddenly feeling like pacing, my eyes heavy and puffy. I felt like ice, numb and fresh. 

She stopped in a quick jolt. Instantly, she moved along a free-flowing river, bubbling and trembling at the wind. Crouching on my knees, a bent and sipped a little cool water. Evilella focused on a single tree. She walked like a puppet to the greenery. She climbed like a cat, and released a breath she was holding onto. I squinted my eyes at the air slowly being released from her lips. Little starry sparkles, at it appeared to be, hung in the air.

Little diamonds welled in the small of my eye. I swayed in the wind, unable to move, stunned and too upset to feel. I clasped my hand over my mouth, little beads falling into the river, mesmerized, I stared into the glassy mirror, my reflection haunting. My mother's eyes I looked into. Her dreamy, pleasant yet careless iris. I watched Evilella play with her hair, making me stumble in my thoughts. I shook in my head, like an earthquake was filling my mind. I shouted at Evilella, but she did not flinch, and I felt like she did not hear my pleads.

I started pinching at my wrists. Not to make me feel better, I thought, but to wake me up silently. My mother drowned my thoughts once more. For a moment, I felt her tight arms wrap me up when I was cold to the touch, only my mother could burn a fire in my soul enough that I could feel warm again. The moon seemed to cloud over me, Evilella remotely beside me. 

I grasped my mother. I clung to her very core, my instinct was to protect her. Evilella trembled beside me, her face plastered with guilt and shame.

I struck at her, trying to make her feel the same outrage I felt. She disintegrated into the earth. I was truly alone, truly lost and genuinely frightened. But how could I still feel the same as I had when she was there?

I sprinted across the timeless dark meadow, hearing my mother playing her authentic piano songs all the while. I held my hands to my ears, my slender body buzzing with excitement. And, just then, Evilella appeared, rushing through the trees, and then stopped! Right in front of me, she broke the barrier. Her hand upturned facing me, as though asking me to take it.

My braveness did not last long, I was afraid she'd take my soul and I would know longer be Sky. I would be Evilella, a creature, immortal and inhumane. She smiled, for the first time. It was not masking eternal beauty, it was the truth, and fulfilling me... almost. I took her hand half-heartedly, fully expecting my body to freeze like ice, but she turned with me to a sight of a natural and bright visual.

My dead mother's piano seemingly became even louder, roaring in my ears as if I hadn't heard it the first time. I walked solemnly behind Evilella, clutching to my hand, but she made me pace so slow that it cut me inside. My mother's voice wisping softly in and out of my mind.

Evilella cut me off, walking in a zig-zag motion in front of me, I closed my eyes, tripping on her somehow flawlessly, as if it was rehearsed.

I called, Mama? Evilella fell short and collapsed on the ground weightlessly and freely. I opened my eyes and looked down, blinking a few times then suddenly looked up. Rays of sunlight burst through the clouds, making me squint. Mother was behind the window. While my pink and yellow sun-dress fluttered in the air, and my straw colored hair in all directions, I raced to the window, hand on the glass. Mama, I started, Mama, I'm so scared. She looked at me, as if staring into my soul. Sky, she said plain as day. It was the only thing I wanted her to say, and I felt a burst of release and relief. She grinned her mischievous look, and then vanished...Evilella taking her spot.

Suddenly me and Evilella were in a field, where pink daisies bloomed uncontrollably and the dandy flower's sweet aroma tickled our noises. I was in a poofy yellow dress, with beading at the corset. Evilella's dark makeup and black wedding dress was the most stunning thing I had ever set eyes on. We laid there shamelessly, content with the world around us. 

Evilella did not say a single word to me that whole experience. But somehow I was more attached to her soul as if it was my own. And deep down, after those many years of searching for my loving mother's spirit, Evilella was my soul, my emotions, and even more profound, my Patrino.

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