The Revelation(part 1)

September 22, 2010
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It was too fun! My Mistress came crawling back to us an hour after I won our “debate” and begged me to step down. “She should be dead.” Carolyn said, her eyes wide with terror. I laughed “Remember Precious,” I said, “Only fire can kill us once and for all.” “Listen,” My Mistress had said, “I am the only one with the authority to lead us all.” I laughed at her, my victory had loosened me up. “You lost your authority when I snapped your neck.” I said, enjoying her uncontrollable flinch when I said it.
“Give it back.” she said, trying to put authority into her tone. I lost my temper a bit, “You should be thanking me for sparing your life.” I said, enjoying her trembling, “Now you can stay with us, with my guaranteed protection, or you can try to join a new clan.” I smiled as she struggled with the decision. This was like the same decision she gave me. Other vampire clans didn’t enjoy vampires who were kicked out of their own clans, they were considered weak. “Fine.” She had said, “I swear my loyalty to this clan.”
Now in 2023 vampire hunters had risen again, trying to execute us secretly. I had met some of their failed attempts, vampires who had been staked and left for dead. “Maybe it’s time to reveal ourselves.” I said to all of my brethren. I was immediately met with outbursts of anger and fear. “Now listen,” I said, “we cannot allow ourselves to be hunted like animals again. So we should try to be treated as equals.” “Bah!” a voice said, “Look at what happened to Salem.” “Salem was one city,” I said calmly, “the world is more tolerable now.” “What if you’re wrong?” another voice asked timidly. “Well then,” I said, “it’ll be a fun new experience.”
So after the next presidential election I went to visit Ms. Megan Young, the first female president. I told the receptionist I was a civil rights leader (halfway true) and, using my power, she let me in. I sat at the chair in the middle of the room with four men surrounding me. Miss Young looked out of place behind a desk. “What can I do for you Mr.?” I paused for a moment, I had forgotten my real name, so I made a new one. “Roga.” I said, extending a hand. She took it, which surprised me, then said “How can I help you?”
“Well I am not a civil rights leader.” I began. “Oh I know,” she said, smiling at my stunned expression, “I know all of the civil rights activists around our area and no one fitting your description is a member,” she sat more comfortably, “so try again.” “First let me say that you are very clever.” I said, “Then let me warn you that this information will change history forever.” I took a deep breath, “I’m a vampire.” She stared at me for quite a while, then said “I’m sorry if you thought I was going to buy that. You seem like a smart man, but to lie to the President…”
I leaned forward and exposed my teeth, letting my fangs come out. She leapt back in her chair and several guns were aimed at me. “ I’m not here to assassinate you,” I said, “but to teach you.” She breathed slowly, then stared coldly. “I will not take threats of overturning our society…” I held up a hand, “I know what you do with alien revelations and so on,” I said, “but I want you to expose us.”

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coly33 said...
Sept. 26, 2010 at 11:01 am

i liked the way u wrote this it was really good and i usually not tht into the whole vampire stuff (sorta)


VampireX replied...
Sept. 27, 2010 at 10:08 am
Glad I could get people into more vampire things.
coly33 replied...
Sept. 27, 2010 at 2:51 pm

yeah it was really good and wow i would have guess u would replie back and back 2 vampires ive gotten more into vampires a little more since ive read this its really good


Cody3290 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 26, 2010 at 8:54 am

It's a good idea. A bit cliche, though what isn't nowadays? I agree with Whylime, oyu should try adn focus more on grammar and punctuation, which help clarify a piece of work. Other than being a banal idea, the idea itself is good.

My advice to you is to work on your punctutation and syntax.

VampireX replied...
Sept. 27, 2010 at 10:07 am
I had no idea how my grammer was. :( Word caught no mistakes.     >:( I apologize to everyone.
animalgirl said...
Sept. 26, 2010 at 2:52 am

that was good! you did a great job! i love it!

could u check out some of my work?

Whylime said...
Sept. 24, 2010 at 5:17 pm
it was a bit choopy because of grammar errors and lack of indention (in dialogue, you have to indent every time another person speaks ) but i thought it was a great piece and has potential. would you mind reading "does he know?"
VampireX replied...
Sept. 27, 2010 at 10:05 am
I have read it and I have to know if you read all the parts to my story.
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