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I looked back at the mountain and below it, the valley, tears in my eyes.

I had promised myself I wouldn’t look back, but here I was, looking back. Looking back on what had once been my home, now covered in black dirty rock.

I took a deep breath, trying not to fall to my knees sobbing. So I just coughed. Coughed because I had tried to take a deep breath of the horrid smoky air.

I had nowhere to go. Nowhere to be. And no one to be with…, I thought. The mountain, now a black wasteland that used to be trees seemed to be staring at me.

“Stupid mountain!” I screamed as loud as I could, “This is all your fault!” I had trusted that mountain, and it had betrayed me, and tricked us all. It had stood there peacefully for so long, so many years, and then exploded; covering the place I had lived and grown up in with smoke, ash, and lava. But it had done more than that. I hadn’t just covered my home, it had covered my life. All my belongings and all the people I knew.

The horrible lava…oozing, melting, and covering everything it touched. It glowed red and simply cackled evilly at everything in its path.

Now I had nothing. No home, no family. No future. Nothing.

I dropped to the ground and screamed.



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This article has 17 comments. Post your own!

Caesar123This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
today at 5:50 pm:
Pretty good. Not the story I was looking for (same title), but good all the same. I’d love to hear more.
 
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Basketball23This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Mar. 11, 2011 at 4:28 pm:
Wow I love this!!!!!!!!
 
Coffee replied...
Mar. 13, 2011 at 7:44 pm :
thanks!          
 
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SpringRayynThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Feb. 15, 2011 at 5:14 pm:
Wow this is interesting. Makes me curious to the rest of the story. You forgot a couple commas here and there.
 
Coffee replied...
Feb. 25, 2011 at 12:15 pm :
yeah the grammer and punctuation is rly bad. I'll try to write more sometime, but as for right now I'm editing the overall plot.
 
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lucybrown2010This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jan. 22, 2011 at 1:28 pm:

I like this the best out of all your work.  The girl's thoughts are so intricate and I can really feel the emotion coming through. 

I was thinking though, you could combine the two sentences in the second paragraph so it would read, ‘I had promised myself that I wouldn’t look back, but here I was, looking back on what had once been my home, now covered in black dirty rock.’

I just think that flows a little better.  :)

I hope you continue t... (more »)

 
Coffee replied...
Jan. 22, 2011 at 3:31 pm :

yeah for some reason when I wrote this, my work all had cut off sentances because I thought it sounded good, but it doesn't really....

And I will continue it, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do quite yet....

 
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Hazel-daisy This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 6, 2011 at 5:14 pm:
it seems like a good and interesting project, i like the emotion in it and the suspense you can feel!!! good job!!
 
Coffee replied...
Jan. 9, 2011 at 11:01 am :
Thank you! I tried very hard to express how desastated she felt. It might be a novel someday, I have some ideas, but they're not together enough to really start the novel. this is supposed to be the prolouge, but I'm not sure it fits with the plot very well. Anyways, it needs work. Thank you for commmenting on all my work. :)
 
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V-ballChick said...
Jul. 31, 2010 at 6:38 pm:
I really like that and all of the emotion it contains!
 
Smoothieheart replied...
Aug. 17, 2010 at 6:54 pm :
Really? Thank you soooo much for commenting!!! It means a lot!
 
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FantasyNight said...
Jul. 18, 2010 at 9:00 pm:
I really like the tone of it! Poor girl...
 
Smoothieheart replied...
Jul. 18, 2010 at 10:47 pm :
Thank you- and yes
 
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GabrielleFantasy said...
Jul. 16, 2010 at 6:01 pm:
I LOVE this idea! Brilliant, different, new! No vampires!:) Anyway, I think the only thing I can say is add more emotional detail. I mean, go into how she feels. Like, "The tearing pain was unbearable; it seemed the sun in my heart had burned out, leaving only darkness." Yeah, idk :)
 
Smoothieheart replied...
Jul. 16, 2010 at 6:04 pm :

Thank you!! :)

and Thanks for the advice. I will edit it sometime :)

 
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FantasyROXmySOX13 said...
Jun. 29, 2010 at 2:33 pm:
YAAAAAAAAAAAY! I love it! I know I've read before but I still love it!  You have awesome emotion in it! Keep writing! :D
 
Smoothieheart replied...
Jul. 11, 2010 at 5:11 pm :
Thank you                               
 
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