Ashes

June 20, 2010
By Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.


I looked back at the mountain and below it, the valley, tears in my eyes.

I had promised myself I wouldn’t look back, but here I was, looking back. Looking back on what had once been my home, now covered in black dirty rock.

I took a deep breath, trying not to fall to my knees sobbing. So I just coughed. Coughed because I had tried to take a deep breath of the horrid smoky air.

I had nowhere to go. Nowhere to be. And no one to be with…, I thought. The mountain, now a black wasteland that used to be trees seemed to be staring at me.

“Stupid mountain!” I screamed as loud as I could, “This is all your fault!” I had trusted that mountain, and it had betrayed me, and tricked us all. It had stood there peacefully for so long, so many years, and then exploded; covering the place I had lived and grown up in with smoke, ash, and lava. But it had done more than that. I hadn’t just covered my home, it had covered my life. All my belongings and all the people I knew.

The horrible lava…oozing, melting, and covering everything it touched. It glowed red and simply cackled evilly at everything in its path.

Now I had nothing. No home, no family. No future. Nothing.

I dropped to the ground and screamed.


The author's comments:
This is the prologue of my story, Ashes.

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This article has 17 comments.


on May. 25 2013 at 5:50 pm
Caesar123 DIAMOND, Union Grove, Wisconsin
50 articles 7 photos 103 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Madness in great ones must not unwatched go" --Claudius in William Shakespeare's Hamlet

Pretty good. Not the story I was looking for (same title), but good all the same. I’d love to hear more.

Coffee BRONZE said...
on Mar. 13 2011 at 7:44 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

thanks!          

on Mar. 11 2011 at 4:28 pm
Basketball23 SILVER, Pine Grove, Pennsylvania
8 articles 13 photos 488 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I'm living in a shell with no soul" -Three Days Grace (World So Cold)
"Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned" -Avenged Sevenfold (So Far Away)

Wow I love this!!!!!!!!

Coffee BRONZE said...
on Feb. 25 2011 at 12:15 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

yeah the grammer and punctuation is rly bad. I'll try to write more sometime, but as for right now I'm editing the overall plot.

on Feb. 15 2011 at 5:14 pm
SpringRayyn PLATINUM, Lakeville, Minnesota
34 articles 2 photos 658 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't punish yourself," she heard her say again, but there would be punishment and pain, and there would be happiness too. That was writing."
--Markus Zusak, "The Book Thief"

Wow this is interesting. Makes me curious to the rest of the story. You forgot a couple commas here and there.

Coffee BRONZE said...
on Jan. 22 2011 at 3:31 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

yeah for some reason when I wrote this, my work all had cut off sentances because I thought it sounded good, but it doesn't really....

And I will continue it, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do quite yet....


on Jan. 22 2011 at 1:28 pm
lucybrown SILVER, Blacksburg, Virginia
7 articles 0 photos 112 comments

Favorite Quote:
The wastebasket is a writer's best friend. ~Isaac Bashevis Singer

First things first, but not necessarily in that order. ~ From Doctor Who

I like this the best out of all your work.  The girl's thoughts are so intricate and I can really feel the emotion coming through. 

I was thinking though, you could combine the two sentences in the second paragraph so it would read, ‘I had promised myself that I wouldn’t look back, but here I was, looking back on what had once been my home, now covered in black dirty rock.’

I just think that flows a little better.  :)

I hope you continue to work on this story, I love the idea. 


Coffee BRONZE said...
on Jan. 9 2011 at 11:01 am
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

Thank you! I tried very hard to express how desastated she felt. It might be a novel someday, I have some ideas, but they're not together enough to really start the novel. this is supposed to be the prolouge, but I'm not sure it fits with the plot very well. Anyways, it needs work. Thank you for commmenting on all my work. :)

on Jan. 6 2011 at 5:14 pm
Hazel-daisy GOLD, --, Other
19 articles 0 photos 324 comments

Favorite Quote:
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else - Erna Bombeck

In three words i can sum up everything I've learned in life: it goes on -Robert Frost

Live, Love, Laugh - ______

Hope, Love, breathe <3 - Me

it seems like a good and interesting project, i like the emotion in it and the suspense you can feel!!! good job!!

Coffee BRONZE said...
on Aug. 17 2010 at 6:54 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

Really? Thank you soooo much for commenting!!! It means a lot!

Chloe_ BRONZE said...
on Jul. 31 2010 at 6:38 pm
Chloe_ BRONZE, San Antonio, Texas
4 articles 0 photos 43 comments

Favorite Quote:
Never underestimate the power of doing the ordinary in quite extraordinary ways.

I really like that and all of the emotion it contains!

Coffee BRONZE said...
on Jul. 18 2010 at 10:47 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

Thank you- and yes

on Jul. 18 2010 at 9:00 pm
diaphragm BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
2 articles 0 photos 86 comments
I really like the tone of it! Poor girl...

Coffee BRONZE said...
on Jul. 16 2010 at 6:04 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

Thank you!! :)

and Thanks for the advice. I will edit it sometime :)


on Jul. 16 2010 at 6:01 pm
ForeverWonderland BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
2 articles 0 photos 53 comments

Favorite Quote:
Cross me, and the protagonist dies. ...Then again, they probably will anyway.

I LOVE this idea! Brilliant, different, new! No vampires!:) Anyway, I think the only thing I can say is add more emotional detail. I mean, go into how she feels. Like, "The tearing pain was unbearable; it seemed the sun in my heart had burned out, leaving only darkness." Yeah, idk :)

Coffee BRONZE said...
on Jul. 11 2010 at 5:11 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

Thank you                               

on Jun. 29 2010 at 2:33 pm
Love1321 PLATINUM, Harrisville, Utah
21 articles 26 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart that understands." Anonymous

YAAAAAAAAAAAY! I love it! I know I've read before but I still love it!  You have awesome emotion in it! Keep writing! :D


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