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It was the moment of truth. Of happening. The thought had been puncturing my mind for months. Ever since I had fallen for him. It was the only way I could stay with him. And maybe it wouldn't be forever, but ‘til death was the best I could do with my restriction. Now or never.
Neither of us knew how this would turn out. It would be the first time ever known to anyone that it had happened this way. How twisted it would seem to the outside world. In my world however, normal was nonexistent. I did everything the unusual way and this was one of those times.
I said a little prayer to myself as I thought about how many different ways this could turn out. The thought that I was trying this on the one I loved was making my stomach churn. If it didn't turn out well, I would regret this decision for the rest of my life. Better me than him I thought. I bent down towards his neck as he looked at me with worried eyes.
"Now!" He screamed. "Do it now!" For once, I knew he was just as scared as I.
Chapter 1: Alexis
"He's staring again Nikki." My words faced her, but my eyes kept straight ahead glaring right back at him. I knew it served no purpose to tell her he was looking at me again. He had been staring at me since the first day back to school two months ago. Why this surprised me I wasn't sure.
"Like I told you before Lexi, he probably just likes you and wants you to be the next girl on his long list of “previously dated”. Would that be so unusual?" She was right. Since I had known him in ninth grade when he had transferred from Kalispell, Montana; he had dated most of the population of girls at Meglin High School here in Astoria, Oregon.
Rumor had it that he was forced to move when there had been a mass amount of disappearances at his previous school, every student having been last seen with him. Only a few people here and there actually believed that rumor of course, namely the superstitious ones. In the three years he had been here with his family, no one had disappeared; there had just been random deaths.
This he I was referring to was Nolan Delano. The sin of every girl on campus. The one everyone knew, but didn't know anything about. The senior with the silver eyes that cut through to your heart and messy black hair that became somehow neat upon looking. The one who towered over the short boys, but was towered over by the tall ones. He was the smart one that let go of his knowledge for trouble. That one guy that seemingly looked good pale… The one who was apparently, after me.
He was the silent one. The kind of guy you couldn’t picture tapping his foot to the beat of the music. Black was the color of his t-shirts everyday that were just tight enough to outline his muscles. All of his features were sharp enough to make you wonder if he needed some comfort. He was the one with all the secrets he wouldn’t let anyone in on. That is why they all wondered. We all wondered. With his smile hard to find, everything else became hard to find.
He was just now choosing to make his rounds through my group of friends, starting with me. It had taken him long enough. Usually my friends and I were the first ones wanted. All of us had the looks, the money, and I? The car. My dad had bought me the Alfa Romeo for my sixteenth birthday and every guy in the school wanted to drive it. I hardly let anyone in it, let alone driving it however. If I ever wrecked it, I knew I would be riding a bike for the rest of my high school career.
I let go of my hard glare and looked back down at my chemistry book that I was supposed to be studying. I knew his silvery eyes were still beating me down from the side. I could feel them as if they were touching me. He was making me lose my sanity. Sure I was used to guys staring at me, but there was something different and hard about his stare. Like I was his prey and no matter what, he was going to catch me. I don't know. Something about Nolan Delano gave me the creeps and it showed in my actions.
The second the bell rang for chemistry and the day to end, I practically killed people trying to make it out of the room fast enough to get away from him. I could feel my new shoes ruin under the pressure of my fast, forced walking. Today I didn't even feel like talking to my friends. I just wanted to leave.
I hopped into my car without as much as a glance over my shoulder to see if he was still watching. I knew he was. So I started my car and peeled out. Probably not the wisest idea when I was trying to keep him from finding me, but the faster I got home, the faster I would feel safe and unwatched.
On my way home I couldn't help but try and come up with a reason why any girl would ever date him. To me it seemed as if he felt more like a stalker than he would a boyfriend. No, staring wasn't a crime nor did it have anything to do with being a stalker, but it sure felt like it this time. As I pulled into my circular driveway, I couldn't help feeling a tinny bit relieved to see my nice big, safe house sit in front of me. This was becoming pathetic. I was letting an eighteen-year-old boy control my feelings. My security. My life.
The drive home normally took ten minutes in this small town but I made it six by speeding most of the way. Even still, it felt inarguably long. Eventually the sight of my big Victorian house caught my eye around the trees and I shot into the driveway. At that moment my house looked like a steak and I was hungry. I couldn't wait to peel my shoes off inside and be able to relax with no worries.
Getting out of the car, I ran faster than I think I ever had before. Unfortunately unlocking a door isn't something that I can achieve that fast so I ended up being out there for a couple more minutes than I had felt comfortable with. When I finally got the door open, I dropped my bags down, heading for my room. My room was upstairs and on the stairs in front of me he sat. He was sitting there with a grim smile on his face. I jumped back partly because I truly had thought I was safe in my own home, but apparently I wasn't; not to mention he had scared the breath out of me. It wasn't everyday that I had a visitor waiting for me on the stairs of my house. How had he gotten here before me? That didn't even matter. How he knew where I lived was the more important question at hand.
"How did you get in here? As a matter of fact, why are you here?" I needed to know those answers so I could find a way to keep him out. If I had to bolt every door and window in my house, I would. Great, now he was making me think crazy too. All these pictures rushed through my mind of what I could possibly do to get him out. I closed my eyes and shook my head looking back up at him. Maybe I was only assuming the worst. Maybe he wasn't so bad. Maybe it was normal for someone to get creeps about him. Yeah right.
"Your maid let me in." His voice wasn't deep or high. It was perfectly in the middle and it soothed me for a mere second. It quickly slid off however, revealing the anger that was slowly building up inside of me. The way he looked sitting in my house made me tremble and a chill went through my spine. I can imagine a look of anguish spread across my face and as much as I wanted to hide it, I couldn't. It was official now; there was no place I could get away from him.
Just like in school earlier, we sat there staring at each other without even a flutter or a flinch of our bodies. His eyes were so concealed that I couldn't stop myself from wondering what he was really like and what he was hiding behind his closed off thinking and ways. They hid all his life's secrets under their deep gray mask.
After a couple minutes without words, I decided I would break the silence. After all, he couldn't have come just to have a staring contest for the remainder of the day. There was some purpose for his trespassing into my home.
"What did you come for?" Short and to the point. It seemed like the fastest way to get him out.
"Your my partner for the chemistry project that's due Friday." The words shot through me like a bullet. Now I was strictly confused.
"What project?" My voice became angry and intense. This couldn't really be happening. I wasn't going to pretend I knew what he was talking about. I was never told of any project or that he was my partner for that matter. I could feel my face become bright red. I wouldn't have been so bothered by the project if he wasn't involved.
"Where was your head today during class? Ms. Semlie explained to us the project over the gas laws at the beginning of class and assigned partners. Lucky you we got put together!" I threw him a sarcastic grin and thought for a minute. Of all people he should know where my head was during class today. Apparently I had been so busy thinking about him, which I hated admitting, that I had drained all thoughts off fifth period chemistry. I would have to call Nikki later and figure out what else I missed because I sure as heck wasn't going to find out from him.
I knew I had to calm down now. I had no choice. There was absolutely nothing I could do about being assigned a project with the worst guy in my class. So letting out a deep breath I picked my backpack up off the ground and rummaged through it for a notebook and pen.
"Well let’s get started then. In fact let’s do our best to finish it tonight so we have less to worry about later." That was a complete lie. I only wanted to finish it tonight so I didn't have to worry about him coming to my house ever again.
"Okay. Where are we going to work on it? We'll need a computer." Uh oh. A computer. We had two in our house and both were in confined areas. One in my dad's office where he was working and the other, well it was in my room. This couldn't get any worse. It wasn't possible. I let out a sigh. No way. Was there any mercy in this world? I should have known that it would only get worse.
"Well, the only one available to us is in my room upstairs." As much as he tried to hide it, or not, I saw the grin spread across his face and disappear. Great. Now he would think I wanted him up there. As much as I didn't think it was possible, I had to make it through the night. Alive preferably.
As we headed up to my room, me leading the way, I said a prayer in my head. God was the only one who could help me through this without a doubt. Though I knew I had to give Nolan the benefit of the doubt and try to at least be nice to him, I also knew it would be a test. A hard one at that especially since I had already breached the mean side of my feelings.
When we reached my room I sat down at the computer and clicked on the internet. While it was loading I watch as Nolan looked natural and calm finding his seat in my blue bean bag on the floor. My eyes couldn't help but glance over at the door to insure that it was still wide open.
"So what exactly are we supposed to do for this project?" It wasn't exactly possible to finish it if I didn't know what had to be accomplished.
"Well I already finished most of it during class. She basically wanted us to take a poster board and put examples and information about each gas law with pictures. I already have the information and examples, now we just need pictures and I see you have a printer so we'll be done in no time." He smiled as if he was proud of himself. I knew he was smart, but it honestly surprised me that he had taken the time out to do it during class. He usually goofed off. I had to admit that I was glad he had worked on it and I began to question why I had ever thought he had bad intentions. So I smiled back. I felt more at ease now that I knew he wouldn't be here very long.
"Thank you for working on it. Sorry I didn't help during class. I'm just tired today. Late night." Sure I was making that all up, but even if he knew I was thinking about him, I didn't need to beat it in anymore than it already had been. "Is there anything else I missed that I should know?" I had decided to ask him anyways since he was right here and all, but I was still going to call Nikki later and tell her about him.
"We have a quiz over chapters fourteen and fifteen Thursday, but you know how she is with quizzes. She says we'll have one, but we end up getting too distracted talking about other things or..."
"...she forgets about it and schedules a lab." We both laughed causing me to relax a bit more. It was true that Ms. Semlie was getting old and her memory was slipping away with her youth. It was part of the reason everyone was doing well in her class. Including me. Granted I was smart, I myself was lazy too.
"Would you like a snack or something to drink? I can go get something from the kitchen if you’re hungry." I had noticed my own stomach making noise under our conversation and I figured I might as well ask.
"No thank you. I ate an apple on the way here." He passed along a grateful smile though his statement shocked me. He had arrived so quickly that it was hard to imagine how he would have had time to eat anything, even an apple. "You can get something for yourself though." It was definitely nice of him to allow me to eat in front of him considering I felt rude doing it. So I ran down to the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle, a bag of Cheetos and some garlic dip for the Cheetos and ran back up to the room, part of me not trusting him up there by himself. I suppose half of me was okay with him being in my room in my house now, but there was still the other half that didn't trust him for a single second. After all, being nice could be part of his charm that brought in all the chicks and I was determined to not be one of those chicks.
I sat there eating and looking for pictures while managing to carry on a small conversation with Nolan. We had talked about almost all of the teachers we had over the last few years once the project was put together.
"Are you sure you don't want a snack or drink?" I still felt bad shoving down food in front of him, but home was the only place I really ate because at school I tried to not look like a pig.
"I'm positive." As I shook my head to show I understood and put another Cheeto on my mouth with the yummy garlic dip. He grimaced as I munched on it.
"Do you not like Cheetos?" He had looked like he was in pain when I was eating. "I have other things downstairs you know." His face changed becoming guilty. Or like he had been caught in the middle of doing something he shouldn't have.
"Chips in general aren't too tasty to me and garlic is very repulsive to me." From there on out we talked about different things because he had changed the subject. It shocked me at how fast I became comfortable sitting there talking to him. Within about thirty minutes we had found all the pictures we needed and had glued them on with all the information. Though it hadn't been much of a project for me, I still felt accomplished when it was done. "So I guess I'll see you at school tomorrow. Do you want to keep the poster until Friday or do you want me to?"
"I'll keep it since it's already at my house. Thank you again for doing all that work. It really did speed up the process."
"No problem.” He stared at me for a moment as I opened the door and hesitated to leave. “I was just thinking that if you ever need anyone to talk to I'm here and I tend to be a good listener." His statement took me by surprise. We had hardly hung out and didn't know each other but he made it sound like he knew I was in pain. "I mean I know about your mom, and I'm sorry for your loss. So I'm here for you." Oh no. How could he know about my mom dying? It had been a couple months now and I hadn't told anyone about it. Whenever any of my friends had come over to my house I had come up with excuses for her not being there like business trip. He had found the spot. The spot I had been covering up since she was gone with excuses and smiles.
I hadn't wanted anyone to know, but now he did and I wasn't even sure how. I knew he would be able to see me start to get emotional so I hurried in saying good-bye and closed the door right as my tears started falling. For some reason it didn't even bother me that he knew. Just she being brought up made me cry. Now I wished I had told all my friends. I wished I had someone to talk to. Sure he had offered but it didn't seem right to talk to him. He was still a stranger to me.
I got up and went into my room lying down on my bed. As I buried my face in my pillow, the tears came harder and I felt worse. I guess I always knew I would have to let out how I felt. How much I missed her. All the pain that should have been paying rent because it had been there too long to stay for free. I tried to stop sobbing but it felt impossible. Every time I had neared the finish line another memory popped up into my head and I realized after every memory that I wouldn't be able to create any more memories with her. I hoped that I would never forget her beauty, or her smell. This admittedly would be hard to do considering I always wore the same perfume as her and looked just like her. Long black, curly hair and blue-gray eyes.
Just another thought that fogged up my eyes. Oh how I wished she was back with me and my dad so she could hold us and never let go. It had taken me weeks to fathom that she was gone for good, but the thought that she was with God in Heaven relieved me somewhat of my pain. Even knowing that I would see her again one day wasn't good enough for the present though. I wouldn't be able to share with her the man of my dreams one day, or graduation, or her grand-kids or prom for that matter. It all seemed so surreal, but the fact that water was streaming down my face made me snap back in to reality. She was gone and I, I would have to keep living my life as best I could.
With that I went to my bathroom that was connected to my room to wash my face and brush my teeth before heading to bed. I wasn't hungry anymore. Just tired and upset. That was all I needed to put me into a deep slumber. It had been a long emotional and dramatic day. All of it made me feel like a little kid again, but I knew that if I was still a little kid, she would still be here.